09/08/2021 6:01 AM
Clarín.com
Families
Updated 09/08/2021 6:01 AM
We do not realize it, but
language
has much more importance and more weight than we think.
The way we address other people, the tone, and the words we use affect how we relate to each other and how others perceive us.
And the same thing happens with children, and more.
Sometimes, because we are adults talking to children, we think that we can use any type of expression, even if it includes a
lack of respect
.
However, according to education experts, it would be necessary to speak to others - and also to children - as we would like to be spoken to by ourselves.
In our communication with children, it is advisable to avoid harmful phrases.
"I always say that there are seed words, positively, that help to grow and flourish, to evolve; and there are bullet words, which are going to hurt. With children we use them because
we go on automatic pilot and we don't realize it
, we do what The same they have done with us, "says Óscar González, teacher and education advisor.
What expressions do more harm than good and imply a lack of respect or trust towards the creature?
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
What are these phrases to avoid?
What
expressions
do more harm than good and imply a lack of respect or trust towards the creature?
Let's review some phrases that we should not say to children and that, unfortunately, are common in some homes.
1 - "Your brother does better"
Comparisons are never good.
"When we make these types of statements we are comparing, and we assume that the other child does better. It happens with grades, school performance, but also with extracurricular activities, sports ...
Instead of allowing the child to enjoy, we compare him with another, and we make the mistake.
We focus on weaknesses and not on strengths, and that affects self-esteem, "explains Óscar González.
2 - "You are very messy / very clueless"
"If we put labels on children we can have
negative consequences
, because it costs a lot to remove them. The moment a person has a label, it is like that phrase of 'create fame and go to sleep'", explained psychologist Alberto Soler to RAC1 .cat.
"When we put a
label
on a person (a child), he tends to behave according to the adjective, that is why he ends up having a limited development, because he does not have the freedom to behave as he wants, but according to the label he has."
"You are very messy!", "You are very neglected!", "You are clueless!"
They are phrases that fathers and mothers say regularly, but that do not do any good.
"In an adjective it sums up the behavior of the child, and it really is not like that. He may have a messy room, or at one point fail in his studies ... But labels are very easy to put on and very difficult to remove, they drag from for life, "according to González.
"It is typical to say 'he is very nervous', to say that he moves a lot. And it is that he is a child. We rarely put positive labels".
It is typical to say 'he is very nervous', to say that he moves a lot.
And it is a child.
We rarely put positive labels on it.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
3 - "You're a girl, don't play football so much"
Negative labels, according to Alberto Soler, "are those that refer to gender, differentiating boys and girls, because they end up conditioning development a lot, and it causes children to end up having a tendency to behave according to the
stereotype
of how a child should be and how It must be a girl. This has very negative and worrying consequences, against equal opportunities. "
4 - "You do it because I said so!"
Fathers and mothers seek obedience just for the sake of it, and sometimes we get that phrase that we hear so much from our own parents.
"You do this because I said so" is the misunderstood authority.
"Instead of seeking obedience, we must seek cooperation, the people who live in the same house have shared responsibilities and obligations. The problem is that we end up putting obedience in a too privileged place within what is education. We must educate more in critical thinking than in obedience ", according to Alberto Soler.
5 - "Don't cry"
They get sad or fall down the street, they start crying, and we tell them not to cry.
"Don't cry, be brave."
What message are we giving?
Can't express emotions?
Why can't you cry?
"Boys and girls have all the right in the world to cry, to express that they feel bad and to take out all that they carry inside. We want the emotion to change just to say not to cry, and that is impossible. If we repress the emotion, the child interprets that crying is wrong. And this is not the case. That is why many adults today do not allow ourselves to take out what we carry inside, because our parents did not have the emotional information that we have today, "explains Óscar González.
Boys and girls have every right in the world to cry, to express that they feel bad and to take out all that they carry inside.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
6 - "'I'm not going to love you!"
At the school gate, a four-year-old girl cries because she does not want to take off her father's arm.
"If you do these tantrums, I'm not going to love you," the adult blurts out.
The esteem of the parent is conditioned by behavior.
"When we lose control, we
emotionally blackmail
the child
when we say this phrase. We establish conditional love," says González.
On the contrary, "we should love our children for who they are, and not for what they do. And this is where we must work ourselves."
7 - "You look stupid!"
"Are you deaf?"
"Perhaps we have raised our voices, and the scream causes the children not to hear us, and since they do not hear us, we tell them if they are deaf, and we have to shout more. We lose ourselves and enter a circle: I say something, I do not they pay attention, I scream more ... ", explains González.
"The child, in the end, thinks that he is deaf, or that he is stupid, if we repeat it. It is another label."
The difference between punishments and consequences is that the former are imposed, while the consequences are not.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
8 - "If you don't do your homework, you don't go out to play"
"If you don't do your homework, you can't go out to play", "if you don't study, you don't go out on Saturday with friends", "if you don't behave well, I won't let you watch TV."
They are common phrases from parents to sons and daughters, punishments or threats to establish rules and a way and time to do things.
"The difference between punishments and consequences is that the former are imposed, while the consequences are not. If we say that we 'impose consequences' we also punish, because in reality, in order for them to be, they must be natural, a cause-effect of what that the child has done ".
For González, "with punishment, when it is something habitual -such as screaming- it is not effective, because every time you have to raise gravity or proportion more".
9 - "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"What? Do you have a boyfriend?" The aunt asks the little girl.
What does it actually mean?
"It is a confusing message, it is to send the message to the child who is expected to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, when the reality is that children do not have a partner, because
it is not part of childhood
. They can play, but it is not part of this stage ".
"If you ask 'did you do your homework?', It is clear that he has to do it. If you ask 'do you have a boyfriend?', You are implying that he should have. cat Román Pérez, child psychotherapist.
The adult who asks the question believes that he is doing the child a favor, because he is giving him privileged treatment, as an equal.
But "to ask this question is to ignore what are the characteristics of childhood," explains Pérez.
10 - "Give him a kiss / hug"
Forcing a small child to hug or kiss an adult is not a good idea.
We tell them that
they should not pay attention to what strangers ask of them
, but on the other hand, we want them to show affection to people with whom they may not have close ties, or are not interested in that moment.
We are giving a mixed message.
"
We should not force
children to have physical contact, when there is no contact or emotional proximity. Young children make kisses and hugs with those who have a bond," María Luisa Ferrerós, a systemic psychologist specializing in families, children and adolescents.
"We cannot force hugs or kisses, we do not give personal initiative or the space that the child needs," says González.
"Give it to him!"
This may not be the reaction we should have.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
11 - "Leave him that toy"!
We are at home or in the park playing with other creatures, some other child asks for a toy, and our son or daughter does not want to leave it.
"Give it to him!"
This may not be the reaction we should have.
"A child
is not more or less selfish because he does not want to leave a toy
. For the child the car or the doll is his most precious asset. We adults do not share everything either! There are children who share and then they are selfish, they have nothing what to see ", according to González.
By RAC1 for La Vanguardia.
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