Maria Laura Lezaeta
09/15/2021 6:01 AM
Clarín.com
Families
Updated 09/15/2021 6:01 AM
Every change in the daily life of a child generates confusion and uncertainty, and perhaps one of the most difficult situations to go through is the separation from their parents.
The realities may be different in each family: couples who argue all the time in front of their children, who perceive this conflict daily, or couples who are distant and do not have fluid communication, but who "appear" to be well in the presence of them.
However, any separation, whether expected or not by them, will always be painful due to the uncertainty that it generates, since the coexistence they had with their mother and father will undergo changes and modifications, which will surely raise many questions.
For example: Will my bond with them change?
Will I be able to continue sharing the same activities that I did with my mom and dad?
What will holidays and family celebrations be like: birthdays, parties, etc.?
Any separation, whether expected or not by them, will always be painful due to the uncertainty that it generates.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
How to communicate the decision to separate in the best way
As moms and dads, surely we will not want our children to experience any type of pain or suffering, but there will be situations that will arise throughout life -as it is in this case- that they will have to go through the anguish or pain that it may be possible for them to generate that new change.
Thus, it will be very important to keep in mind a series of recommendations to address this issue with them in the best possible way:
Always communicate, with both parents present
It is important to have a conversation with them, no matter how young the boys are, to explain them clearly, simply and without delving into details of the couple's underlying conflicts, that we are going to separate, who of the two will leave house and with whom the child will live.
It is advisable to discuss the main points of the talk beforehand to be prepared and calmer when talking with them, since this will transmit tranquility and security.
It is important to clarify that being calm does not mean that we have to avoid our sadness, because as in any separation process it is inevitable at times to feel anguish or pain.
Enable them to express their emotions
Allow them to express their emotions and clear their doubts with us.
It is common for them to express to us feeling sad, angry, and in some situations with fear.
Enabling a space for listening and dialogue so that they can express any emotions and doubts they may have will help them to go through the separation process more safely.
It is important that this communication space with them is maintained during this process, since many times doubts or questions can arise days or weeks after telling them the news.
Before breaking the news, it is advised that both members of the couple agree to convey the same message.
Transmit the same message that is agreed by the couple
Before breaking the news, it is advised that both members of the couple agree to convey the same message to their children.
It is important to present the separation as a decision that we have made together, avoiding "pointing out" one of the members of the couple as the "bad" or "good" of the separation, since it will not help the bond with them.
Separation is the responsibility of the parents, not theirs
When we communicate the news to our children, it must be clear that our decision is a matter of the couple, that it has nothing to do with them and that there is nothing they can do to avoid the breakup.
It is important to make it clear that it is a considered and consensual decision.
The love we feel for them will not change
It is key to convey to our children that the quality of our relationship with them will not change, since one of the great fears they usually have is whether the breakup of the couple will also imply a breakdown in their relationship with both parents.
And although the times will now be different - since the separation will require a certain family reorganization - the message we have to give them is that they will continue to share moments and experiences with each one of them.
To do this, we will have to work daily on the differences or discrepancies that we have in the couple so that they do not interfere with the most important and priority in the family: our children.
By María Laura Lezaeta, child psychologist and co-founder of JUEGOlogía.
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