Last month I celebrated my 63rd birthday.
Thank you so much for all the greetings, I know you are not seen on me.
63 This is certainly a reasonable and respectable age, given that when I was a child, people at that age walked with a cane, wore a white beard, spoke in a foreign accent, wiped their noses with a used cloth handkerchief, and young people got up in their honor on the bus.
Today, when quite a few people reach the age of 90 or 100, and soon the wish "up to 120" will sound like a curse, expected of people my age to run, continue to work at full throttle, jump on a climbing wall, beat Artium Dolgofyat in ground gymnastics, and in honor of his 80th birthday - jump from a plane In skydiving.
The July-August natives, like me, suffered as children from the fact that their birthday was a big holiday, and it was difficult to invite the classmates home because everyone spent time with the family at a convalescent home in Nahariya and there were no digital means of communication. Therefore, I have always been accustomed to modest celebrations in the family circle, without a magician, operator or clown, and content myself with blowing candles over a cake - although in the corona era, this is an action that seems like a mass distribution of viruses. It is possible that the Ministry of Health and the GSS should start fighting the scourge of birthdays, verify the phones of people who receive congratulations on Facebook, and locate such contagion parties in an operation called "Where, where, where, where is the cake."
Once again you could forget someone's birthday and say it's a flower in your head.
Today, Facebook Gossip takes care to remind you in advance which of your friends has a birthday, leaving you with no excuse for not blessing the snooze you did not suffer.
But the digital age also allows you to rate the level of relationship with each person in your life according to the platform on which you exchange a birthday greeting with:
Like on Facebook - Birthday of an acquaintance not terribly close.
A few words greeting with a smiley emoji and flowers - a closer acquaintance.
WhatsApp greeting within a group of friends - a reasonable friend.
Direct greeting on WhatsApp - good friend.
Birthday phone, plus call - friend friend.
A home visit is no longer acceptable on event-free birthdays, and is reserved for really festive events, like Shiva.
As a kid, you used to dream
about the presents and sweets you would get on your birthday and you were convinced that what would make you happy was 40 puzzles and 50 board games, even though this was probably the only time you would take them out of the box.
But birthday gifts for an adult are already no easy task.
You used to be able to buy a book or a CD, but today there are no more CDs, and this book is too cheap.
An annual Spotify subscription could have been a worthy musical replacement, but from a certain age people do not know how to activate it, and it is still not acceptable to send someone a link as a birthday present.
Since a certain stage in life no longer has much to celebrate, as the years go by I prefer my date to pass without mention.
Let them forget him and leave me alone, without unnecessary festivals.
The fact that children enjoy birthday parties does not mean that this custom should be continued later in life, since you do not see older people jumping into a ball pool at a gymboree.
But it's not always up to you.
If you are destined for celebrations that you do not want, at least try to make sure that it is not too big and invested an event, because when it comes to a round birthday, the festival will have to be even bigger.
A round birthday is a time for mental arithmetic in the style of what I have provided in this life, and it is not always easy.
If there are people around you who are successful, rich, famous and overly satisfied, and you are not one of those who are happy with some of them, the comparison to your mediocre life may create a crisis that may leave you home, travel around the world and buy an open motorcycle or car. Luxurious bun but four hairs in the style of loan and savings.
If your loved ones understand that you are not in the business of big festivals and feel sorry for you, you will end the birthday with minimal damage in a nice restaurant with family and friends.
In such a case, too, there is a situation of moments of embarrassment - for example, if there is a sticky tradition of waiters chanting around the table while they serve you malabi with a distillery and say "it's us".
If the people around you are
a little less considerate, you may be caught up in the so-called "surprise party".
This is an event that is hard to get out of well.
Even if you catch your sharp senses and the thousands of signs around you (weird snooping, the woman asking for your cell phone to pull out friends' numbers and the fact that a courier has arrived from the "Victor surprise" gift shop) - you will not want to ruin the surprise they so desperately want.
If, on the other hand, you do not recognize the signs and are really surprised, ask yourself if the fact that dozens of people have been lying to you for two months does not indicate that your control mechanisms are off, and equally, your spouse could have an affair with the neighborhood grocery owner or teen star Margie, without That you will know.
Surprise parties usually have a regular route, which starts with leading you to something that might have sounded reasonable, had it not actually happened on your birthday.
You have to be a complete jerk to believe that this very evening "we jump to ask and Ziva for coffee", without it being revealed as a surprise party on a remote site called the Arava Lanes with 200 guests, including tent accommodation, camel ride and campfire (which will make you miss Ziva's lukewarm coffee).
At the entrance you will be struck by the familiar sound of "Happy Birthday to You, Dreams Will Come True" performed by the band Eden, or the birthday hit of Stevie Wonder with a similar name.
Unfortunately, these two songs along with "I Have a Birthday" by the Apocalypse Band are the only ones intended for people over the age of 5. In an adult event they will not sing "Where Where Where Where Is The Cake" because the cake is not good for your cholesterol, and better already " Where, where, where, the crispy. '
As for the popular wish "that you win next year", he always seems a little pessimistic to me for a child whose whole life is ahead of him, and his lovers wish him, as someone who bought a ticket soon, to "win" another year of life.
This wish is more appropriate for the elderly who see the end.
During the surprise party,
when everyone's worked on you! You've known about it for two months, since one of the friends called to apologize for not being able to come to your party because he's overseas.
People with deep financial awareness will take advantage of the exciting event held in their honor to examine the food, sound, lighting and band stands, make a quick calculation of the costs and say to themselves in their heart: "Sailing, tomorrow I have to pay for all this".
They understand that after all the people who called to say congratulations, tomorrow the clerk from the bank will also call.
Usually, the surprise organizers will forget to invite some key people in your life, so the next day you will have to do damage control and call all sorts of close friends from work, apologize and say "how unfortunate you were", even though you would be happy to see them at an event about Zechariah Zabeidi.
The most dangerous moment in the event is the speech stage.
This is the stage where it becomes clear to you that among all the beautiful words and borderline rhymes, the message is that you are not such a hit, but a miser, gossip and daddy shit.
If among friends or family there are those who at least know how to write the message in an entertaining, prevailing way.
Here is an example:
"We all gathered tonight
Celebrate you 50
Although between us,
You do not look thinner than 60.
So what's blessed with a person who has basically everything -
Such a stunning woman and a really big house?
Glad you're a wonderful dad and a stunning friend,
And especially for the whole event, you are the one who pays. "
yairn@israelhayom.co.il