I have always been attracted to Eastern culture.
The Japanese surveyed me especially: they are different, special and strange.
I have no special attitude towards the Bosnian, Danish or Zanzibar people, but the Japanese people - who paid so much attention to heating the toilet board and drying it in hot air, who loved the song "I dream of Naomi" back in the 70's and gave it first place at the festival Tokyo, who invented the Mitsubishi, Honda and Walkman, who thought it was a good idea to roll raw fish and rice in algae paper and without heating in the microwave - is a people I respect.
And for the Japanese who erred and even caused heavy damage to humanity, like the annoying karaoke inventor, the Japanese people invented the Kharkiri, which allows for full responsibility independently without anyone having to bother to do so.
I never visited Japan, but the first lady went without me for a walk and fainted back from the cleanliness, the food, the design, the architecture and the aesthetics.
Everything she saw there (except the sound of the noodles pumping into her mouth, which brings her the section even when I do) left her speechless, leaving me jealous and frustrated like someone trying to eat chicken soup with chopsticks.
So a few weeks ago, I compensated myself a little, on a tour of a certified Israeli phenologist named Tamar, who conducts Japanese tours in Tel Aviv.
On the face of it, this is a strange matter.
I know Tel Aviv quite well, and I do not remember Japanese coveted bags, except for a few Jafnica branches, Toyota and Mazda stores, and Atarim Square, which is reminiscent of Hiroshima in the bad days.
Without special expectations, I boarded a tourist minibus with my daughter and several other curious Israeli tourists, and drove through the streets of Tel Aviv.
Tamar explained why the Japanese seem so strange to us, and said that unlike most countries in the world - which are made up of different and varied denominations and religions - Japan is the most homogeneous country in the world.
90 percent of Japanese citizens were born there, they speak Japanese, and grew up on the same culture.
For the Japanese, the rule is more important than the individual, so they consider others, devoutly obey the laws, and will never eat in a public place or talk on a cell phone on the train - even if it is an emergency where you have to quarrel with Bezeq's call center.
The Japanese know how to grow square watermelons, and sell you a hotel in a package of etrog for NIS 350 or a single strawberry inside a package of patipur and at the price of a Subaru (as if the customs of our lulav and rooster look normal to those who come from outside).
Only in Japan can you find KitKat chocolate that is made especially for the Japanese with a maccha flavor, a popsicle or eel flavor, a nutmeg flavored nutmeg and blue cheese flavored pringles.
• • •
From the tour I learned that the Japanese have a lot of problems with interpersonal communication.
At young ages they are very busy with their financial future before turning to a relationship, so they transfer their warmth and love to dogs and dolls, and there are many more dogs than children.
I wonder if so that the dog does not feel lonely, the Japanese owner brings him home a pet child.
In Japan, the dog product market makes more than $ 15 billion a year.
This includes clothing, sunglasses, baby strollers unique to puppies and conceptual cafes, where you can pet dogs (and also cats and hedgehogs) while sitting on an espresso.
The obsession with dogs is so great there, that there are also shoes for humans, that when you step on them in the sand - they leave traces of a dog.
I wonder if the obsession with tidying and cleaning has also spread to dogs, and instead of defecating on the street they know how to go to the bathroom and sit on the heated toilet themselves.
There is also an industry of robots in the form of dogs, and there are Japanese who rush home every day after work so that their robot dog does not pee on the carpet.
Quite a few Japanese people marry dolls they admire in an official ceremony, with the pros and cons of a plastic mate waiting for you at home, and hoping that when you return, you will not catch her cheating on you with the robotic vacuum cleaner.
The Japanese have a problem with crying.
Unlike us - who have no problem crying, whining and complaining about everything - they are tough and hard to cry, and even go to workshops on expressing emotions and weekends in a unique crying hotel, where sad movies are shown and taught what people are supposed to feel when Bambi's mother dies.
Japanese TV shows are known as the most psychic thing in the world and include weird and extreme games - where, for example, two competitors have to blow into a pipe at both ends, with a live cockroach in the middle.
Whoever does not exhale hard enough, the cockroach will fly straight into her throat, even without having time to dip it in teriyaki.
Illustration: Tal Lazar,
• • •
The tour included several stops, including food, special ice cream, kitchen and design accessories and various fashion accessories, such as shoes of enormous height, in the style of the stars of the Keys band.
In one of the stores, where they sold good-looking clothes and furniture, I was enthusiastic about a pair of Japanese wooden slippers.
They shone in front of me like in the movies, where you see rays of sun that signify revelation and holiness.
The store owner recognized my excitement.
She was quick to explain to me about the special virtues of flip-flops for my spine and made me realize that my life was about to change from end to end.
Because unlike all the comfortable shoes accepted today, this flip-flop will make me feel my foot and toes - because in Japan everything is connected to everything: feet to stomach, stomach to posture, posture to sleep, sleep to toilet, and so on.
When I asked to measure the masterpiece adorned with flowers (with the slightly feminine look), it became clear to me that in Japanese slippers there is no left or right, which makes it very easy for lazy types like me.
The size seemed pretty small to me, but they explained to me that this is how it should be, and that it's perfectly normal for my foot heels to protrude from behind.
I bought the pair of flip-flops and returned home happy and kind-hearted.
When I arrived with the new purchase, proud, happy and also taller than usual (because these are slightly elevated shoes), I was expecting a sympathetic reception.
But the first lady received me and my dear flip-flops coldly.
She claimed that I looked like a perfect moron, and that she vetoed me every time I left the house with the new flip-flops, probably when I accompanied her.
Let it be said at once: there is a terrible inequality between men and women in the field of clothing criticism. Men will not dare to express any criticism towards their partner’s clothing and fashion choices unless they belong to the Versace family. For the most part, we do not have the tools to express an intelligent and reasoned opinion in the field, nor do we usually have suicidal tendencies or a desire to get into a two-day quarrel. Therefore, when preparing for an exit, the man will always prefer to answer the question "What do I look like?" In the automatic answer "great", even if his partner chose to wear a curtain and wear a grater on his head.
On the other hand, one of the favorite hobbies of women is to indulge their partners in their spoiled fashion taste.
The first lady, for example, spares me nothing and can tell me that it does not connect, that it is too wrinkled or worn out (I hope she is only talking about the pants and not about me), that the colors are shocking, that this cut suited me 40 years ago, and the sentence is most annoying - " Where did you get those awful pants from? ", Ignoring the fact that she's the one who pressured me to buy them against my will.
• • •
Since the Japanese purchase I have felt a great hostility, directed towards my feet and a strong desire to flatten me every time I put on my new flip flops.
Despite this, I continued to wear the flip-flops, as I am a man who adheres to his principles, especially the principle that comfort is above all.
But recently, there have been a number of cases where I have not been able to find the flip-flops where I left them.
Each time I found them hiding in a different corner of the house.
After some hesitation and wondering, I came to the conclusion that the first lady decided to tire me out of using the "aesthetic hazard from Japan" and hide them from me around the house.
One morning, after looking for the flip-flops again for long minutes, and just before confronting the first lady, I found the Japanese masterpieces supporting the dining room table, which has a tendency to sway.
Someone from the house thought it was some kind of plank that would make the table stop dancing, and placed my fancy flip-flops as a support.
Revenge, as in Asian kung fu movies, is yet to come.
yairn@israelhayom.co.il
