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Who does what - and what if one does less?
The division of tasks in the household can quickly become a controversial topic (symbol image)
Photo: Ibai Acevedo / Stocksy United
Fall asleep and wake up together, cook and eat: sharing an apartment as a couple offers many wonderful moments.
Living together, however, also harbors material for conflict.
If it used to be somehow charming that your partner always had a bunch of clothes on the bed, now it drives you to white heat when you have to move them away every evening.
Fighting about the household may seem like a problem for stressed parents.
In fact, it also affects young, childless couples who believe they are in an equal relationship.
What can be done to make coexistence and housekeeping fair and harmonious?
And why is it that a pile of dirty laundry can be a stress test for a relationship?
We talk about this with Tatiana Schildt, couple counselor from Hamburg.
SPIEGEL:
To begin with, I would like to describe a situation from my circle of friends: A friend, let's call him Jonas, has just moved in with his girlfriend. There will be conflicts soon. She takes care of everything, she complains, from home insurance to washing the dishes. He says: “You just have to tell me what to do. Then I'll do it too! ”Is that a good suggestion?
Tatiana Schildt: It's
actually a great announcement if it is communicated on a factual level, i.e. without undertones.
But with Jonas there is a risk that he communicates from a so-called unconscious child-ego attitude.
He just wants to know - "like Mutti used to do" - what to do.
This automatically pushes his girlfriend into a maternal ego state.
Instead of thinking about which tasks to do for himself, let his girlfriend assign them to him.
Such a form of communication does not take place at eye level, but there is a power imbalance.
SPIEGEL:
In heterosexual relationships, when in doubt, it feels like women who do housework.
Is that how you experience it - and why is that?
"The relationships of young people have become more equal."
Schildt: In the
past, women were strongly pushed into the role of housewives and mothers.
That has changed, relationships between young people have become more equal.
Nevertheless, the parents' generation plays a role as role models.
If your own mother has done the housework all by herself, you as a young woman may take care of that.
But you can just as easily rebel against it.
It is important to ask yourself what you want to take over from your parents and what you don't.
The way to a fair division of tasks
SPIEGEL: In
any case, Jonas' girlfriend is certain that she doesn't want to mutate into his mother.
What would you advise her to do?
Schildt:
She should clearly formulate to Jonas what she actually wants from him: more personal responsibility.
She might reply that she doesn't feel like raising him but that she feels pushed into that maternal role when telling him what to do.
And she could say: We are both adults, let's agree something that we're both happy with.
SPIEGEL:
What do you think of fixed regulations such as a cleaning schedule?
"A cleaning schedule is not a panacea."
Schildt:
If both of you think the idea is good, there's nothing wrong with a cleaning plan.
But such a plan is not a panacea.
Instead, the couple could sit down at a distance from the situation and talk about what is important to them and what they want.
In a conversation like this, it is important to be willing to compromise and to communicate with specific proposals in a way that is relevant to the target, and which are then decided jointly on an equal footing.
SPIEGEL:
In the past few years the term “mental load” has emerged to describe invisible work - mostly in connection with families with children.
Is that also an issue for childless couples?
Schildt:
The "mental load" can affect any relationship.
Children are not necessarily the criterion, but a fundamental problem: Some people don't mind organizing everyday life as a family or as a couple and being responsible for ensuring that everything works.
But if one person is solely responsible for everything, but wants support, the harmony in a relationship becomes imbalanced.
This can result in arguments and a bad mood.
SPIEGEL:
Are there still differences?
Childless couples have the advantage that they can talk in peace about the common division of work, without the amount of work and coping with everyday life with children already dominating their everyday life.
If children join in, the real amount of work increases, which may then be left to one person - especially with small children this is often the mother.
A question of expectations
SPIEGEL:
What are the underlying issues behind such conflicts?
Schildt:
On the one hand, this is about recognition, a strong inner basic need.
The person who takes on more tasks, who cares more about everyday life together, feels that their efforts are not seen.
On the other hand, expectations play a major role.
Expectations that should be questioned on such an occasion.
SPIEGEL:
What do you mean by that?
Schildt:
The partner is a great object for reflection.
We need a counterpart for our personal development.
If you feel stressed and dissatisfied, you should ask yourself whether this is due to the to-do list that you feel left with, or your own expectation of always having a clean kitchen.
I also advise you to take the other person's perspective.
Usually my partner doesn't act like this to purposely annoy me.
Also, their currency in the relationship may be different.
Maybe he never does the dishes, but he cooks more often or gives a compliment.
SPIEGEL:
If I want my partner to put away their dirty dishes, I want that - and not a compliment.
"Sometimes the love of order is so great on the one hand that the partner cannot keep up."
Schildt:
Of course, both of them are able to do the dishes, after all, we're talking about two grown-ups here.
Sometimes, however, the love of order is so great on the one hand that the partner cannot keep up.
Then it's better to focus on the things he does instead and that suit him better, like making sure there is something to eat every evening.
Here it makes sense to agree on a compromise.
With too high expectations and reproaches of the partner, we ultimately harm ourselves because we make our feelings dependent on someone else.
SPIEGEL:
You say that things get even more complicated with children.
Can young couples who want to have children do something to prevent conflicts in the household?
Schildt:
If a couple is planning a family together, I advise you to be clear about the distribution of roles and tasks before the first child.
If that doesn't work so well without outside help, you can book a prophylactic session for a couple coaching.
SPIEGEL:
And what if you just can't come up with a common denominator?
Schildt:
Ultimately, there are always three options for action.
You can change the situation, love it or leave it: Change it, love it or leave it.
All options are fine if we consciously choose them.