How to help teenagers manage their emotions?
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(CNN) -
The desire to raise good people is pretty universal among adults with children in their lives.
Most of us want our children to grow into caring and compassionate adults.
We mean it, really, but our children tend to listen to something else.
Research from the Harvard Graduate School of Education found that 80% of young people think that their parents are more interested in their children's achievements or happiness than in whether they care about others.
In her new book "How to Raise Kids Who Aren't A ** holes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting - from Tots to Teens," science journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer analyzes the data on the subject.
The author analyzed research on gun use, screen time, shyness, resilience, and more to help parents effectively convey the message that kindness is important.
Kindness Matters is the message of Melinda Wenner Moyer's science-based book, "How to Raise Kids Who Aren't A ** holes."
CNN spoke with Moyer about what we do right, what we do wrong, how to teach kindness, and why it is difficult to raise a kind child if we are not kind ourselves.
This interview has been edited and slightly condensed for clarity.
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CNN: What inspired you to write this book?
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Melinda Wenner Moyer:
Two and a half years ago I began to feel frustrated by the bad behavior of the adults I saw around me.
It got me thinking: what are my kids learning?
Who are my kids learning from?
It made me realize that what I wanted most was for my children not to grow up insensitive.
And I realized that I didn't know how to do it.
I started researching the science of building character and values and was amazed at how much research there was.
CNN: Based on your findings, what are some of the things that well-meaning adults are doing wrong when it comes to raising kind children?
Moyer:
First of all, I want to say that I hate to frame something as "wrong".
The last thing I want to do is embarrass the parents or pressure them into feeling like they have to do everything right.
We have a lot of leeway as parents and even when we do things that are not the most constructive, our children will be fine.
One thing that came up over and over again in research is that many parents avoid talking to their children about nuanced and complicated topics like race, sex, or pornography.
But children, from a young age, are detectives who try to find out how the world works.
They notice racial hierarchy, gender hierarchy, and sexual undertones or allusions, everywhere.
Disney movies have them.
Children are exposed to these big nuanced questions, and if we are not there to expose them to these questions, they will get the information elsewhere and then make assumptions that are not the most accurate.
It is much better to have deliberate conversations on difficult topics.
Even if you think they are too young, they are not, as long as you do it in an age appropriate way.
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Another thing is how we handle our children's feelings.
We try to make our children feel better when they are upset, upset, or sad.
We minimize or embarrass feelings by saying things like "stop acting like a baby" or, in the case of children, "stop acting like a girl."
We do it because we want to rescue our children from their negative feelings.
Research tells us that this is not appropriate for a couple of reasons.
We tell them that their feelings are wrong, and that they must suppress and hide them.
This does not help our children learn the skills to handle them.
Also, parents tend to embarrass boys more for having feelings of sadness or fear because they do not consider themselves masculine.
But kids who have been taught to be ashamed of these feelings are more likely to be aggressive when they grow up.
CNN: And what do parents intuitively do well?
Moyer:
One of them is modeling kindness and generosity in front of our children.
That is very good because children learn more from what we do than from what we say.
In the last 5 years, I have seen that many parents include their children in social movements, leading them to protests, volunteering, or encouraging them to donate their allowance money.
When we include children, we show them that it is important to care about others.
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CNN: You found research data linking altruism to success, which goes against what our competitive culture tells us.
Moyer:
I often hear skeptical readers ask, "If we want our children to be successful, isn't raising them kind and compassionate going to stop them?"
Our culture keeps telling us that to get ahead in the world you have to be an arrogant jerk.
Certainly there are exceptions, but overall, research points to the opposite: people who are kind and compassionate tend to be more successful.
When you treat people well, people want to treat you well.
CNN: While reading your book, it seemed to me that parents can learn a lot about themselves in this process. Raising kind children helps us think more about how we could be kinder and what kindness means to us.
Moyer:
I hope this book inspires us to reflect on ourselves, because to really model your children what you hope they will become, you have to be very intentional.
You have to think about what kindness means to you.
It helps to prioritize and think: "What is the most important thing for my children to grow and be or do?".
Is it being compassionate?
Be helpful?
To be honest?
Think about how to weave those values into your relationship with your children.
It is important to remember that we cannot do all things all the time.
Furthermore, our priorities may change.
With these techniques you can help teens manage their emotions
CNN: How can we balance our expectations that our children and ourselves be kind with accepting our strongest and most bothersome urges?
Moyer:
It is very important to be open and honest.
It's okay that we have great feelings;
feelings are part of the human being and are normal.
We must accept our own feelings and the way we respond to situations when we are angry.
That's fine.
We are human and everyone makes mistakes and that is part of life.
It is very helpful for children to see us model that self-acceptance.
It's also great for them to see us apologize later, modeling the behavior we want them to do later.
When we take responsibility, a lot of good things can come out of our "mistakes" as parents.
--Elissa Strauss is a regular contributor to CNN, where she writes about the politics and culture of parenting.
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