Violence against women, "the pandemic in the shadows" 1:28
(CNN Spanish) -
Serving women victims of gender violence is not enough.
We must attack the roots of the problem, was the reasoning of the government of the city of Bogotá, which has a program focused on those who frequently exercise this violence: men.
How?
Through a listening process that allows them to understand and educate their own emotions.
In December 2020, Bogotá launched the Calm Line, a free hotline for men who feel they need help managing their emotions because they are overwhelmed or unable to resolve conflicts.
The project, launched by the Ministry of Culture, Recreation and Sports of the Colombian capital, has as one of its objectives to fight against gender violence, a reality about which the data cast no doubts: in Bogotá there were more than 27,000 cases of domestic violence in 2020, according to figures from the District Secretariat for Women, and three out of every four victims are women.
Even more: in 70% of the cases the perpetrators are their partners.
"Violence against women is associated with machismo, that is, it is made by men. So, in that sense, it is logical to think that (...) if machismo is exercised by a masculinity that still needs to change, then it is natural or It was organic to think that you had to go to men to find out what was happening, "Nicolás Montero, Secretary of Culture, told CNN, explaining the genesis of the project. They investigated and concluded that providing care to these men could be a useful tool.
"In general we are less inclined to externalize our emotions, to understand our emotions and to educate our emotions. So it was natural to think that a line of attention to men was fundamental within this larger puzzle, which is a cultural change that allows us to talk about a more equitable society, of a society that eliminates and roots violence, "he explained.
Breaking with a deeply ingrained idea: that the only valid emotion for men is anger
Daniel Galeano is one of the psychologists who attends the line, which works from Monday to Friday from 8:00 AM to 10:30 PM and on weekends with reduced hours.
He says he is passionate about his work.
In dialogue with CNN, he explains that many men lack the tools to manage their emotions.
Emotions - that's the keyword.
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Listening and providing guidance for the management of emotions is the center of the line's work, which does not mean, in any way, validating any type of violence. On this point Daniel is very emphatic: he does not judge himself, but the meeting must be questioning, which implies a great challenge. "It is like a very interesting line between doing a psychology process that tries to question, resignify, deconstruct what refers to the mandates of masculinity without imposing a moral or moralistic judgment of what a man should be," he says.
The line has three different protocols that are activated depending on the situation and circumstances in which the man calls: if there is any type of emotional dilemma without situations of violence, if there is violence within the couple and if there is violence that encompasses to other members of the family or community: children, neighbors, co-workers, etc.
In many cases the call is followed by a psychoeducational process of accompaniment to the man, which can extend up to 10 sessions.
If there are situations of violence during the call or very close to the call, an emergency route is activated and the relevant authorities are contacted.
This is something that users are clear about, Daniel explains: it does not mean that an accompaniment is made, but it ensures that the information goes where it is needed.
Violence and dissatisfaction spread throughout the world 3:24
Beyond violence: accompanying the 'tusa' processes
The Calm Line not only provides care in cases of violence.
Any man who is feeling emotional crisis and needs support can call.
The cases of love grief, of 'tusa' (as it is colloquially called in Colombia), are also very common, says Daniel.
Enrique was going through a very difficult time: he was out of work, his marriage went into crisis and he separated from his wife.
He did not have many support networks, and he did not want to involve his family and friends because a "calm that everything is going to pass" was not enough for him, he tells CNN.
Then he called the Calm Line.
"I am attended by a person who listens to my story for almost two long hours, because it took a long time ... how to say it? Content, I could not express my emotions and my thoughts because I felt powerless and judged," he recalls.
And then a process began that gave him tools to better express his emotions, to be able to rebuild through dialogue, accepting and valuing himself.
"I am part of a macho society in which guys cannot be weak," he reflects.
The macho society imposes on men a role that does not allow them to express their vulnerability, Enrique feels.
They are not allowed to waver financially, he says, nor is the couple, much less in bed.
'I don't want to be my dad'
Enrique explains that it is very difficult to get rid of the model learned during childhood.
"We saw dads who were very careless and very despotic and very macho and very inattentive. I remember that with a friend we had a whiskey and we said 'I don't want to be my father,'" he says.
"Unfortunately, as we did not know another pattern of behavior as a couple (...) we ended up replicating some things."
"I explode. I am like my dad. My dad is a pressure cooker, when he explodes ... pay a hiding place. Without being physically violent or suddenly a rude thing or something like that, I know I can say something very ugly", you accept.
Enrique, who at the time withheld information from his wife about their financial situation, is now going through a process of therapy with her.
When asked about what learning he would transmit to his son, or to a small child, in light of this whole process, he responds: "If I had a child or were with a 5-year-old boy, I would tell him 'don't deny your emotions because in doing so you are going to walk down the path of lies ".
A complementary bet: the school of care
Bogotá also works in a "School of Care for Men", whose objective is to train men in different areas of care, a task that has historically fallen on women.
The aim is, of course, that care tasks are shared more evenly between men and women.
On a personal level, Secretary Nicolás Montero makes another call to men.
"Sometimes men wonder how much we have lost by not assuming care, how much we have lost, by not assuming emotions that allow us to take care of our children, take care of the house, take care of others. pedagogy leads us to reconcile ourselves with that, of course, to seek within ourselves the joy of that care ".
This is how the pandemic impacted women, according to the UN 3:51
There is hope?
During its pilot phase, between December and June, the Calma Line answered more than 1,100 calls and provided psychoeducational support to 131 men. In September the service was resumed. In this first phase, 53% of the men who called sought support during an emotional crisis and 44% were experiencing situations of intimate partner violence, according to the Ministry of Culture.
Daniel was there from the beginning and most of the calls he received on the Calma Line are from men who have exercised violence.
"At first, many of us were skeptical of that," he recalls.
"But we realized that yes, men who exert violence as if they have a critical capacity, they see that their networks are already running out, they are left alone. Someone told them and made them realize that this model of masculinity suddenly already they are not being as useful as before. "
Can men change the way they relate? "" Change is possible, "says Daniel," but it is not that simple. "That is the challenge.