There was always an atmosphere of fear in my house.
Dad would erupt, break objects and hit Mom and my brother, who was five years older than me and mentally retarded.
He was threatening that I would not have a mother tomorrow.
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In first grade, I begged my mom to divorce me.
Although I did not get beaten up, I learned to be a good girl, a lecturer, one who does not cause problems, but I paid and still pay a price.
Dad hurt my soul, more than once he used me as a tool to hurt Mom.
I have not seen a normal marital relationship, one based on mutual respect, love and appreciation, but only fear and violence.
I canceled myself.
I gave up my childhood.
I had a few friends because I could not invite them to my house, I knew it was a battlefield and I was ashamed.
"The shouting got louder, tools shattered and I was shaking in the room"
Dad's violent attacks on Mom intensified in the spring.
This is supposed to be a festive season, of renewal, but for us at home it was the most difficult and tense period.
I remember one Passover I was ten years old.
My brother and I sat in the living room and then an argument started between the parents.
Very quickly Mom asked me and my brother to come into the room.
The shouts intensified, utensils shattered and I shivered in the room, injuring my fingers.
My brother, despite his intellectual disability, tried to reassure me and told me that everything would be fine, that soon Dad would calm down, but he did not calm down.
Mom asked us to go to Grandma.
Grandma's house was a twenty minute walk from the house, my brother and I walked, all the way I was afraid of Dad's threats that I would not have Mom tomorrow.
We got to Grandma crying, we shared it, she called Mom, who told her everything was fine.
When I was 15 my mother mustered up courage and got divorced.
The divorce process was ugly and difficult.
I'm not talking to my dad.
Over the years I realized that he is a weak person, that the violence stems from weakness and not from strength.
Shama is the strong one, who, despite the inferno in which she lived, maintained optimism, supported us, did not deprive us of anything and today, to my joy, is even in a great relationship.
During the divorce process, my mother was suggested that I undergo treatment at the Ministry of Welfare's Domestic Violence Center, in order to deal with the difficulties I was going through.
I went through a two-year treatment process that allowed me to heal my wounded soul, to realize that even though I had canceled myself I existed, that I deserved a healthy relationship and to learn what it was.
It is important for me to convey a message to those women, who in their hearts know that they are part of the cycle of violence.
First of all do not be afraid, the process will be difficult, no doubt, but the hope is that it should hold you up, put on a picture that you live a calm and quiet life with a real and calm smile.
Share the environment and welfare, us welfare just picked up and has always been by our side.
If you experience domestic violence or have been exposed to domestic violence, please contact the appropriate hotline:
106 - Your local authority, social worker.
04-6566813 - Emergency line for Arab women
08-9965008 - Arab women in the center (Noam)
02-6730002 - Religious women
1-800-393-904 - Line for men in the circle of violence (WIZO)
02-5328000 - For religious men
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