Dr. Shirley Ben Shlomo
Researches
Life Transitions
Senior Lecturer at the School of Social Work at Bar-Ilan University, Head of the Therapeutic Master's Degree Program.
What do you do when the child does not leave home even after the age of 30?
Conversation with the researcher of life transitions, Dr. Shirley Ben Shlomo
Dr. Shirley Ben-Shlomo, we are two years since the outbreak of the epidemic, and the beginning of another wave, the fifth. It seems Sources deepened the phenomenon of staying in the nest, at the parents, and there are many reasons for optimism on the subject.
"If you refer to the dimensions of the phenomenon, in Israel it is about 25-20 percent Of young people aged 30-18 living in their parents' home. There was a big 'psychological bang' here: the corona brought us all together with great horror, everything we knew collapsed.
"Against the backdrop of the Corona epidemic families gathered within themselves, many parents invited their children to return home and unintentionally encouraged developmental regression processes. In some cases this was a deepening of dependencies that existed before. The role of parents at these ages is to encourage independence, but many young people "And their parents also feel a lower level of security. They hope that very soon the world will be as it was, and until then - they have the feeling that they have to stop and wait, they are standing still."
This creates a lot of confusion, and people feel the need to converge inward.
"In 1919 Freud used the term 'homeless', explaining that when you meet a great horror, an intellectual horror he says, there is a feeling that you should, as you said, gather inside and escape to the safe place, to the house. But the house in the last two years also creates a feeling Alienation because it is full of masks, alcohol, isolation and terror of all its occupants in the face of the unknown.Freud pointed through this concept to things that are happening today.
"In addition, Corona has increased the number of young people who are in a diffuse emotional state, meaning they have difficulty exploring the world and what they want for themselves, and as a result find it difficult to commit to a way of life. "I recognize the great confusion, the difficulty of committing, and also many mourning processes for the world that was, alongside some expectation of his return."
"Regression, horror and dependence."
Young people in Dizengoff Square, Photo: Coco
In a study you conducted, you found that the more the emotional and economic dependence of young people aged 18-18 on their parents continues towards the age of 30 onwards, the greater the feeling of dissatisfaction with their lives. This limits the possibility of development.
"True. But it's important to remember that young people's dependence on their parents can also be reduced. Young people can be encouraged to develop more relationships, study in academia and be exposed to new ideas and more people, or go out to work and develop everyday communication skills. Some parents use the phrase: ' Until now, I will no longer succeed. "This is not true. It is possible to continue educating at any age, certainly if the young person lives under the parent's roof.
"I also encounter a new phenomenon - parents and their young children, in their late 20s, who come to dyad therapy, a concept we are usually familiar with from therapeutic work with parents of young children. ".
The army as an exit door
If we speak more concretely, then in the UK it has been previously announced that adolescence lasts until the age of 25. How legitimate is it to stay home today, and at what age is it normative to leave home?
"It depends on the company and its norms. The average age of marriage in Israel today is 24 for women and 28 for men; leaving home in the late 20s is considered normative. "The question is whether at the age of 30 a young person who leaves home has managed to save money, acquire a profession or find a decent job. Many young people leave home without enough intellectual, emotional and environmental resources, and in the absence of sufficient personal and environmental resources .
We speak of the issue as a deviation from the norm, but pre-Corona figures show a trend: in the US about 35 percent of young people aged 35-24 live with their parents. In Italy 50 percent, in Greece 55 percent, and in Slovakia 74 percent, mainly because of the difficult economic situation. Maybe this trend actually marks a norm for us?
"In human history, families lived in the same house, three generations together. Over the years the norm has changed against the background of emphasizing the values of individuality and separation. Norm, as we see it, is a periodic matter, and even now - we may be in the gradual process of changing the norm, with a slight caveat: in Israel military service and national service are a one-way door - on the road to separation. There is no such door in the world, so many times young people stay at home. "
There are cases of familiar people living with their parents. What do we learn from them? For example, Tal Ohana, mayor of Yeruham.
"What is unusual in this case is not that Ohana lives in a housing unit next to her parents, but that she is the mayor who lives with her parents. Given her role and achievements, it can be assumed that this is not a matter of financial difficulty or separation. .
Hesitations before leaving.
Family sculpture, Robert Thomas, Photo: Wikipedia
Women cope better
Do you recognize a difference between men and women in coping?
"Studies show that women have more coping tools. They know more about support systems, such as parents and friends, and in this respect they use an external resource that helps them ask questions and explore, and also leads to higher life satisfaction. Other resources that help both genders cope are religious belief. "High self-esteem and a sense of self-control and situation. Relying on media is also a resource - for example social networks."
Is the age of the young also a resource, or vice versa - that is, as the age increases, more pressure is created, and the resources for dealing with leaving home dwindle?
"On the one hand age is a resource. Over time you feel safer and more experienced in life. But on the other hand, the Corona has changed the rules of the game: if it caught you at 25, then two years later you may remain in exactly the same place. In many cases, to a state of stagnation, and to turn age into a negative resource. "
The family can also be a negative resource, sabotaging the processes of leaving home.
"Studies show that financial and emotional support from parents helps in the early 20s, when a person is still looking for his way in the world. But support at a later age, at 25 towards 30, produces more dependence on young people, and does not allow for independent identity formation."
What do parents say so that they do not become a negative resource?
"We tell them to let go, little by little, of the young adult's dependence on them. The parents' job is to allow their children to grow up. Just like a child starts to walk and fall, and we tell him 'not bad, try again,' so in the case of leaving home.
"Parents would not dare to tell a child 'do not have to walk, stay seated or crawl' because it is not normal. But there is really no difference between the processes of independence in childhood and the processes of independence in young adulthood. And just as a child who has not learned to walk for emotional reasons is harmed. "Even in adulthood when it comes to leaving home. I tell the parents - do not deprive your child of the right to go, to travel the world."
These things are linked to the "emptying nest syndrome" - depression, lack of direction in life and an identity crisis among parents, especially mothers, after their children have left home.
"There is no doubt that parents also experience difficulty when their children leave home. Sometimes they beg the child to leave, and when that happens - they find difficulty, complexity. Upon leaving, some parents move to small homes, some need to focus more on their relationship, and "We are witnessing higher divorce rates, in Israel and around the world. Another social phenomenon we encounter is parents who connect to their sexual identity after the children leave the nest. Of course there are those who strengthen the relationship."
Release gradually.
Family in Spain, Photo: AFP
You mentioned the media earlier. Does it help to leave the nest also in view of the special characteristics of the State of Israel? Family here is a key value.
"Prime Minister Bennett said this week in the context of the Fifth Wave that 'every family should be prepared.' In the family and fertility and reinforces this social value.The media mediates the social reality, and showed us how even in the early Corona families tried to meet despite the closures, because the family in Israel is considered a supreme value.
"Another interesting phenomenon in the family context and against the background of what the media intensifies is young women without a relationship, who feel that the biological clock is ticking, and are moving in the direction of fertility treatments - egg freezing and in vitro fertilization. ".
Who will take care of the pension?
It is important to talk about the origins of the phenomenon of young people staying in the nest. Psychologist Margaret Mahler emphasized in her theory, in the process of separation-individuation, the stage of training - already at the age of 15-10 months the child moves away from his mother to explore the world. Can we predict through failure at this point future consequences of staying home?
"Parents who are less differentiated, less likely to see their children as having needs of their own, often encourage interdependence. Psychoanalyst Peter Blous expanded on Mahler's theory and spoke of 'separation-second-individuation,' that is, mental development toward adolescent differentiation. "Importance for parents - and they must allow young people to explore what they want to be, and allow them to be who they are."
What other parental patterns are relevant to staying in the nest?
"For example, overly permissive parents, who give children everything they want and require almost no commitment. In this way the children do not develop. Another harmful parental pattern is dominant parenting - that is, strict demands without meeting needs. Parents give instructions and guidelines, without any empathy for the child's unique characteristics In these places, young people's depression is also often seen.
"Another pattern is parental narcissism, meaning parents who want for their children what they did not have as children. They cast expectations on the child, do not allow him investigative processes, and direct him only to certain activities and professions. "A narcissistic statement that does not see the child as different. There are situations where parents cast their expectations more violently - 'If you do not do what I say, I will not help you.'
Family as a supreme value.
Sderot, 2020,
How ever leaving the nest trend is expected to affect birth rates, real estate prices and our ability to save for retirement?
"Reducing the birth rate in the world there. Expected a baby boom, and it did not happen. Something has been undermined for people, and when the world is not experienced as safe, and add to that the climate crisis and security tensions or terrorism - then people bring fewer children, for example in Europe. In Israel, by the way, this is not the case. Our society ranges from the trauma of the Holocaust to the traumas of the Israeli wars. We are fighting for our existence, so even if we live in our parents' house, we will continue to bring children.
"In terms of pension savings - the situation is worrying. Young people are celebrating life, wasting what they have and feel that 80-70 is irrelevant to them. They think it will be okay. There are many young people who do not know there is such a thing as property tax because they have never experienced its payment. "It is very important to provide the younger generation with a financial education, with an emphasis on pensions, which expresses a clear vision of the future. As for the real estate problem, it seems that it will intensify, and if there is a shortage of apartments or skyrocketing prices.
Finally, we are asked: In the future, will we see a generation of helpless and dysfunctional "young people" here, when their parents will no longer live one day?
"As a society, we are beginning to prepare for this. The Ministry of Welfare already has a unit that cares for young people, something that did not exist in the past. Universities are also beginning to specifically teach the subject and investigate it. "The day after."
For suggestions and comments Ranp@israelhayom.co.il
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