From the khaki, Major Avidav Goldstein gives a hard look at the camera. A trail of embarrassment mixed with the officer's standing, which stands two meters high and lacks four centimeters. The discomfort from the exposure is evident in his body language and soft speech. ", But this time he is especially excited to tell his story, because for the first time he is being interviewed in an IDF uniform.
"When an IDF officer, in uniform, talks about his past sexual assault, he broadcasts something," he says. Injured in the present.
It also means being a man.
A man is always perceived as hurting and not hurting, as someone with the power to keep and protect others, or others from him.
If he's hurt, is he a man at all?
So yes, I am a man, a major in the Israel Defense Forces, and I was injured. "
• • •
He also says these brave words on the "Mental State" program, which will air this coming Monday and Tuesday here. "Flashbacks a day. I feel I am in the process of healing, but there is another scar."
He is 33. Born in the city of York in the north of England to a doctor father and a nurse mother, a fourth son among eight brothers and sisters.
In 1992, when he was 4 years old, the family immigrated to Israel and settled in Neve Dekalim in Gush Katif.
"Despite the attacks, it was a good and vibrant childhood, with golden sand and blue sea and open doors," he says.
"I was not one of the best students, and that affected my social place a bit, so in the third grade they decided to attach a mentor on behalf of Perach, a guy who was 27 at the time named Shlomi Cohen.
"He was a local, a paratrooper, very charismatic and talented, who knew how to play, draw, carve and also coach basketball. It gave me a very good feeling, that here I have a chance to enter the mainstream. We would meet several times a week, play basketball, hikers, Talking.It was fun.There are three sisters above me, so he was a kind of big brother to me.
"At first we met in public places, like the library, the field or the yeshiva, during normal hours. But slowly the meetings moved from noon to early evening, in private places like his car and his apartment."
Your parents did not notice?
"It was a community where the kids roamed freely. Dad would come home from work late at night, and Mom would give me a free hand, like all the other kids got. There was no awareness of protection, and sexual assault was not a topic to talk about."
Then the touches began.
"The first time was in his sitting room. We built plastic airplanes, and I fell asleep there. When I woke up I was hot, and he was close to me. I did not understand what was happening. I got up and left. At the next meeting he started stroking me downstairs, another time he lay naked on me after the shower. From time to time it got worse for horrible and terrible things.
"I was embarrassed, it was very unpleasant for me. It's disgusting, you're just waiting for it to end. But I did not say 'no' to him and I did not object. So he allowed himself to step up every time.
"It was a different time from today. Sexual assault was not a topic to talk about. In Bnei Akiva and the community, there was talk of keeping touching girls, but no one talked to me about keeping touching boys. Shlomi of course told me to leave it between us. He also always made sure to ask before. "Every time I feel comfortable and comfortable. He wrapped me in a wrapper that there is no way out of."
Even when the official mentoring ended, about two years later, the harm continued, and even became bolder - in public places.
"On one of the school trips Shlomi went out as an escort. He was sitting next to me on the bus, and his hand was inside my pants. Later in the day he bought me Magnum ice cream, with the chocolate on top. This product just came out then, and was wow. He knew how to make me feel the most Special as possible, as if I was the most precious and important to him.
"Today, in my lectures, I explain that a pedophile is a combination of a shark and a spider. He knows how to recognize from a distance the rejected children who need attention, like a shark that knows how to smell blood from a distance. Once the pedophile catches the child, he weaves "He already understands that something is wrong, he goes into a dizziness that is impossible to get out of and does not know who to talk to."
Avidav began to realize that something was wrong only at the age of 12, when he heard older guys from the community whispering about things Shlomi does to girls.
"Suddenly the puzzle started to connect with me, but it was still missing parts, and mostly it had no title. I did not know the concept of 'sexual assault'.
"I decided to tell a friend, one of the boys who was a partner in the conversation, that Shlomi 'does it' to me too. But he did not respond. His response came only after two years."
In the meantime, Shlomi was appointed security coordinator of Neve Dekalim, and at the same time, established a therapeutic horse farm for children.
"He was the deputy of God, if not God himself," says Avidav.
"But as time went on, I realized it was wrong. Every time we met by chance, he would ask why I was not coming anymore. I tried to avoid him with all sorts of excuses. When the excuses were over, I remember myself going to his trailer at the end of the settlement, going up the three metal stairs "Knocks on the door, and knows exactly what will happen in a few minutes."
The relief came at the end of eighth grade, prior to leaving for high school yeshiva.
His older sister approached him and ordered him to stay away from Shlomi.
She told him that Shlomi had sexually assaulted another of their sisters, who had filed a complaint against him with the police.
"It hit me on several levels. I first heard the word 'sexual assault'. I realized I was not the most special to Shlomi, like the feeling he gave me. And finally, after so many years, I had reason to stop going to him. And I stopped."
Did not you tell your sister that he hurt you too?
"I did not have the strength."
Avidav as a teenager in Gush Katif.
"I got into a whole vortex, which brought me to very difficult places,"
• • •
Avidav began studying at a high school yeshiva in Kochav Hashachar in Binyamin, far from his home.
One day he got a surprise phone call.
"It was that friend, who I shared with what Shlomi did to me. He asked, 'Do you remember our conversation?', And although I remembered well, I said no, and hung up. He said that if we want it to succeed and he gets punished, we must join them. "
This weekend, the two met at a bus stop in Neve Dekalim, and decided to tell their parents what they went through.
"Drop the bomb, and Allah is great," in Avidav's pictorial language.
"The way home was the longest walk in the world. My mother was at home, and I asked to talk to her outside. We walked around the community together, I talked about everything that came to my mind, just not about it. At the end she asked what I really wanted to tell her. Then I told her her name. That Shlomi did to my sister, he did to me too. "
How did she react?
"She took it very, very hard. She cried. Today, when I'm a dad, I'm starting to understand what she went through. Mom told Dad, and he took me for a talk and explained to me what was right and healthy in sexuality and what was not."
Avidav and the other boy went to file a complaint with the police, each separately with his parents.
They were interrogated by a child investigator, and Shlomi was removed from his position and from the locality.
"After a few months we received a message that all the cases were closed for lack of evidence."
Even though there were five complaints against him?
"That's how it is," Avidav smiles bitterly.
"Unfortunately, 90 percent of sexual assault complaints close with nothing."
Shlomi returned to the settlement as a conductor.
"Of course everyone in the community has already heard of the story, and we became a group of five children, girls and boys, who slandered him, slandered and slandered. He was welcomed with open arms, like a warrior returning from battle, and walking around the community like a peacock.
"My friends in the locality told me that if it was not proven in court, it did not happen. At this point I had already started to say to myself, maybe it really did not happen? And if it did, I must be guilty. After all, no one forced me to go to him. I knocked on His door.
"I started eating myself. Outwardly I was cynical and tough, broadcasting business as usual, but inside I was rotten, really dead walking."
Have you talked to anyone?
"In 10th grade I had a partner named Hadar, my first love. She knew about my case, everyone in the locality knew. But I told her in detail what I went through, she was among the few I talked to about it. And she believed me, not like the other friends who thought That if the case was closed, it did not happen.
"My parents wanted me to go to psychotherapy. I went to a few sessions, but I didn't feel it helped anything, so I stopped. I went through very, very difficult years."
His personal trauma merged with the trauma of the evacuation from Gush Katif.
"During the big holiday between 10th and 11th grade, we were evacuated.
We lived for eight months in a hotel in Jerusalem, and then in a temporary residence in Nitzan.
Everything together was a whole whirlpool, which brought me to very difficult places with myself.
Nightmares at night, flashbacks and lots of self-hatred.
"I had a very short fuse. Someone once said something insulting to me, and I knocked a chair in his head. They wanted to throw me out of the seat, but realized I was in a difficult time because of the evacuation.
"I barely finished high school, with minimal maturity. 'Pekal Shlomi' was on me everywhere I went.
I dragged this stretcher alone. "
• • •
At the end of his studies at the yeshiva, Avidav enlisted in combat service in the Golani.
"In the army there were quite a few moments of crisis. All sorts of things that flooded me again and again. Mostly I had a hard time with the shared showers. I experienced this before, on trips in the youth movement, but in the army it intensified. Every touch was hard for me too, probably wrestling And men's beating games. "
Did you tell anyone what you went through?
"No. But in the end, the military is a framework that forces order and organization on you. The tough discipline fixed my head and calmed down a bit the short fuse I had. You do not have too much time to think, you are constantly in activity or schedule, and you are tired and sleepy all So strong that there is no chance of you waking up from a nightmare.
What's more, everyone has their troubles and scratches.
So lift your head and move on.
In combat service, and certainly in command, you give your two hundred percent, and everything else is pushed aside. "
He rose through the ranks, took an officers' course, and returned to command a platoon in the brigade.
He was later appointed Lt. Col. in the combat collection, from where he moved to the field of foreign relations in the land arm. Today he heads a section in the land arm.
At the same time, the boy who barely finished high school studied for a bachelor’s degree in political science, and is currently graduating with a master’s degree in Middle Eastern sciences.
Did you meet Shlomi again?
"Yes, every time I came home for vacation. He then lived four houses from where we lived. I would run into him even when I was going to play basketball on the court in the locality. I always played on the opposing team, and we always won. Still, I was the tallest player on the court," he laughs In embarrassment.
"It was also an opportunity to 'blow' him up a bit with blows as if unintentionally. I also had some confrontations with him, that I cursed him off the pitch."
In one of those random encounters, in 2013, something broke in him.
"I saw Shlomi hugging and kissing a baby, and I shuddered. I told myself I had to do something. I went to my parents and told them I was going to fight him again. I turned to Adv. , Because assets have already been confiscated from him.
I do it just to close the circle.
"My lawyer checked and found that the reason for closing the case against Shlomi was changed from lack of evidence to innocence, which allowed him to issue a certificate of integrity and become a physical education teacher. He moved to Washington Hill and later to Beit Horon, and taught in schools in the center.
As part of the civil lawsuit, Avidav turned to his sister and asked her to write an affidavit about her injury.
She conditioned her consent on him going to take care of himself.
"On the recommendation of a friend, I went to a personal trainer, to whom I owe my life today. I realized that everything I went through was on the point of self-love. As a rejected child, I was looking for someone to give me attention and a feeling that I was special. The attitude of the environment - I hated myself, there was a mechanism of self-destruction within me.
"Thanks to the treatments, the layers came down slowly and I allowed love to come in. Because if I don't love myself, I can not love others or be loved."
In Golani.
"The tough discipline fixed my head,"
• • •
During 2015, Avidav received several phone calls from concerned parents.
They heard rumors about the sports teacher at their children's school, and asked to find out what he had done in Neve Dekalim.
Avidav was well acquainted with the pattern of action they described - how he bought them sweets, hugged them and clung to them on school trips.
He advised them to instruct their children to keep a distance from the dangerous teacher.
In January 2016, when Avidav was already a battalion commander in the combat collection, a turning point occurred in the affair. “My mother called me and told me to get on the news sites quickly.
The headline was: 'A sports teacher in the central area was arrested on suspicion of harming a student.'
She told me it was him.
I remember shaking all over.
"Later they published his name because they understood that there was more than one case. Then it was also published about five family members from the southern region, who filed a complaint of sexual assault and abuse. I tried to find out who it was, because I wanted to join their complaint, but could not understand who they were."
Shlomi Cohen was sentenced to 44 months in prison for sexual offenses against a minor.
Following his conviction, five brothers complained against him, describing a horrific mask of abuse over 13 years.
The prosecution has filed another indictment, particularly serious, for sodomy, indecent acts, attempted rape and other sexual offenses.
During the trial, one of the brothers ended his life during his military service.
Four years after the indictment was filed, Cohen was sentenced to 20 years in prison.
"When I heard about his suicide, I had a very hard feeling. Although he was much younger than me, I knew him, we played basketball together. I thought that if he knew I was hurt too, he might have helped me. I decided I had to go out with it right away. satisfying".
Avidav sat and wrote his story almost all night.
Wrote and deleted, and in the morning posted a brave post to Facebook.
It was the first time that an IDF lieutenant colonel, in his full name, describes a sad mask of sexual assault, accompanied by blindfolding and denial by public leaders and authorities.
"I received very warm and sympathetic responses, and slowly I felt that I was no longer carrying the stretcher alone with 'Lt. Col. Shlomi.'
Suddenly more and more people get under the stretcher, until I felt like this story was no longer sitting on me.
That he no longer defines me.
Following the post, the whole family also sat together - the parents, brothers, sisters and brothers-in-law, and I told them for the first time what had happened to me.
There was an open family conversation.
They listened to me and said they supported me. "
What reactions did you get in the military?
"Amazing. My commanders and commanders really hugged me and supported me. I took my whole company and made a call to them, I explained what was there, so that nothing would remain under the table. That things would be clear. More than that, soldiers' parents called me and sent me messages. The feeling was very warm and heartfelt, it was a very good experience.
"I did not feel that it affected my relationship with the soldiers, but I did feel that they were embarrassed. That it was something that was in the air and a little embarrassing to talk about.
"I remember a female soldier who had been sexually assaulted coming in, and she felt much more comfortable telling me, because she knows what I went through. In general, female soldiers felt much more comfortable talking to me and consulting about all sorts of things they went through. Of others".
• • •
The past trauma also affected his ability to develop a relationship.
"I had a hard time even with the simple question of when to tell about what I went through. At what stage of the date. Maybe that's why I also had such a hard time clicking the 'Post' button on Facebook. I asked myself, 'Who would you like me after that?'
"Three months after the publication, a friend called me and said, 'I found your wife.' I told him I would be happy to know who it is, because I too have been looking for her for a long time. On Saturday, in Jerusalem, and remembered the connection we had.
"I told him, 'Release, bro, it was over,'" he laughs, but the friend did not let go.
"Even though we had not met for 11 years, I remembered her phone by heart. I called and we arranged to meet.
"I drove from my apartment in Nachlaot to pick her up. When she left the house, my jaw dropped from excitement. When we were in high school we kept touching, once our elbows accidentally met and it was a fear of death.
"I got out of the car and asked her if it was possible to hug her. She agreed. This hug was the most complete in the world, at that moment it was clear that it was a wedding. Hadar also went through things along the way and for her the hug was perfect.
They were married in July 2017. His wife is today Dr. Hadar Kalper Goldstein, she completed a doctorate in research and is completing an internship in medicine and towards an internship at Hadassah Hospital on Mount Scopus.
Together they are raising their eldest son Ram (an acronym for his grandparents' names), who is two years old and is now expecting a brother / sister to Ram.
Ram is our victory.
"As soon as he was born, I wrapped him up and promised him that we would take care of him, that we would be there for him, that he would not be alone."
With his wife Hadar and their son Ram. "He is our victory.
I promised him we would take care of him. "
• • •
Following the publication of the post, Avidav became an address for casualties.
He tried to help everyone, until he felt overwhelmed.
“I thought I could save the world, until I realized it was bringing me to difficult places and re-flooding the injury.
"Today I am busy raising awareness with the help of lectures. I travel all over the country and give free lectures to teenagers, parents and professionals like police officers, law students and rabbis. It is important to me that they hear the story and know the shocking statistics.
"According to the studies, up to the age of 12 - and in some studies also up to the age of 14 - the harm to boys is equal in scope to harm to girls. In Israel, one in five boys is sexually assaulted. But how many boys are sexually assaulted do we know? One of eight.
"It means that despite the hard data, there is not enough talk about the issue. How many parents talk to their children about sexual abuse? We leave it to the school, we do not create this bridge so the child can come and talk. If the issue is not a routine, why is it? Will it be an emergency? "
What did you go through that affected your relationship with religion?
"Today I can not define myself as religious and do not go with a kippah on a daily basis, even though I keep Shabbat and kosher. I have a very hard time with the establishment, with the mediators. Shlomi is Cohen, he grew up to bless everyone and raise Torah .He walks with tassels outside and a big dome.Today he is sitting in jail, and from what I have heard, studying for rabbinate exams. And I ask myself, to what religion exactly?
"At the time, he moved to Mevo Horon, which is a very religious settlement, on the recommendation of one of the rabbis in Neve Dekalim. I believe this rabbi has blood on his hands, just like that. That's why I have a hard time with external definitions and symbols.
"Although the Zionist-religious public has undergone a change, and today the issue is much more talked about than in the past, and there are rabbis and public leaders who deal with such matters. But there is still a way to go, there is much more silence."
What did you think of Haim Velder's suicide this week, following the 22 testimonies against him for sexual assault?
"I do not feel sorry for him and his abusive friends. The victims whose souls were murdered by those sex offenders will continue to carry the scar of injury until their last day, while Chaim Velder and Yehuda Meshi Zahav chose the easy and cowardly way, and did not face the consequences of their criminal acts. "Such incidents must not silence victims and stop them from complaining."
yifater1@gmail.com
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