Why do we argue so much with teenagers? It is the key to your development.

The impact of social networks on the youngest 1:52

(CNN) --

The adolescent brain is going through a major transformation, and it can be a messy, stressful and uneven process.

Although your teen's brain is working toward a better, more beautiful psychology, this perfectly natural process can often be difficult for families to manage, said Lisa Damour, an Ohio-based clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescent development.

In those years between the tender attachment of childhood and the self-sufficiency of adulthood, teenage girls can cause their loved ones a major headache.

They test the patience of their families by arguing more, analyzing risks less, and appearing to adopt a more selfish attitude.

That often leads their families to tighten restrictions and surveillance, says John Duffy, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist.

Impact of social media on teens 1:46

But the stereotype that the teenage years are the worst is unfair, and this period of trying new things, adopting new perspectives, striking out on your own, and floundering, is key to making teens become adults, said Tina Bryson, a therapist from Pasadena, California.

Rules and respect are still important, but if family members can more clearly understand what's going on in a teen's head, they can support those changes and help their children navigate adulthood more effectively .

"If we set high standards, or address them as the best version of themselves, we tend to receive that back," says Damour, who wrote "Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls" and "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood".

advertising

To learn a little more about adolescents, we are going to participate in the classic game of two truths and a lie.

True or false?

Teenagers are more rebellious

True, and it's a good thing they are, says Duffy.

A hallmark of adolescence is individuation, which means that they are ceasing to be just a member of their family and learning who they are as individuals and members of the world.

The process for doing so often involves first defining yourself as someone who is not the same as those around you.

That includes the adults in your life.

"Part of the reason teen rejection occurs is not because they don't like their parents, even though they sometimes say they do, but because they're trying to establish who they are, and they know it has to be something other than mom and dad. Dad," Duffy said.

This reaction is important for the individual and the community, because going against the

can mean more innovation, said Bryson, author of "The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired."

True, but that's not fun for the adults in their lives.

What can they do to overcome it?

As difficult as it may be, don't take rejection personally and celebrate the exploration time, says Damour.

They still need your support and your love.

"What we can do is always let them know that we, as their family, are on their side. You always fit into our family, no matter who you are," said Dr. Hina Talib, Adolescent Medicine Specialist and Associate Professor of Pediatrics. at Montefiore Children's Hospital in the Bronx, New York.

The good news is that this is just one step in the formation of your identity, and the end result is often "a beautiful mix of who you are, where you end up and where you started," Talib said.

Guiding your teen through adolescence with understanding will help him become a competent adult, experts say.

True or false?

Teenagers are more at risk

True.

They may make caregivers sigh in frustration or bite their nails in fear, but teens need to take risks, Duffy says.

And it's not just human teenagers.

Adults in a population of sea otters off the coast of California know to stay away from shark-infested waters, and young otters know to stay with their parents, Bryson said.

But then there are the adolescent otters that swim right at them.

One might say, "That's silly!" But it's an important phase of development for adolescent otters, learning to understand the risks of predators around them, as well as their own capabilities and limitations, says Bryson.

• The basis of empathy in adolescence is safe relationships at home, according to a study

The idea of ​​letting your own baby otter swim towards sharks may seem unthinkable, but teens need room to take risks with your support and guidance behind them.

“They are testing their own levels of competence and endurance in the world,” says Duffy.

Letting your kids know that you'll always be there for them if they get into trouble and showing them that you trust their decisions are important ways to help them prepare to take those risks.

"Instead of immediately giving advice or jumping to any answer, I'm going to look at this as a great opportunity to give my kids some reps, like when we lift weights," Bryson said.

"I'm going to give my kids replays where I can say... 'What do you think would be a good idea?'"

True or false?

teenagers are selfish

Here's the lie... for the most part.

When your teen makes you late for work because he stayed 30 minutes too long in the bathroom or cried because you didn't buy him the cool shoes, try to think that he's not being selfish but looking for himself, says Talib.

Adolescence is when we start to have strong feelings of self-awareness, to notice that we compare ourselves to those around us and to worry about not fitting in, Duffy said.

Your job as a caring adult is not to criticize or crush your teen's feelings when they focus on themselves and put the world's problems aside.

Instead, try to validate those feelings, Talib said.

From there, you can remind your son of his strengths and all that he has going for him, while acknowledging that this is a difficult time in his life, Damour said.

Although it can be difficult to mourn the loss of the child you once were and to cope with the changes you are now experiencing, it is important to treat teens as the kind and capable human beings they can be, hold them to those standards, and be compassionate when they falter. Damour said.

Adolescence