ShutterStock
Not sexy, but works: 6 basic rules for a successful and long relationship
She was married three times, and it did not work.
The first time for one reason, the second time for another reason, and even the third time did not seem like a success.
Then they opened the relationship, separated homes and applied new ground rules to their relationship.
Writer Gal Kosturica reveals an elaborate relationship
Gal Kosturica
24/03/2022
24/03/2022
Share on Facebook
Share on WhatsApp
Share on Twitter
Share on Email
Share on general
Comments
Comments
I believe in relationships, and I'm pretty good at it.
My two previous relationships did not last forever, but it was natural, because as needs sharpened and conditions changed the relationship was forced into a pattern that no longer suited it.
And a relationship that does not expand, change or develop is a sure recipe for dissatisfaction, which at worst leads to an alienated / unhealthy relationship, and at best leads to dissolution.
(Sometimes dissolution is a success, but that's another matter).
Over the years I have examined common models of relationships.
In fact, it is one model, a classical model, which, depending on the stage of development, experience and age, I have examined in each context a different basic concept.
Woman, man, ring
At 27, I wanted a relationship with a ring.
I proposed marriage to a man I loved, I became a man's wife, but five years later, whose difficulties could have been foreseen, I waited another three and a half years for a divorce (emphasis: because of the bureaucracy).
The problem in retrospect: While he is undecided about his professional future, you are already pressuring him to think about a postdoctoral fellowship.
On the one hand requires him to live up to expectations as a man (castrator);
The other side wants to feel like a man's wife.
A kind of Disney fantasy in the 70s essay edition (aka "Engineer's Wife" to Hanoch Levin) that I tried to apply to two people who did not fit the template.
More on Walla!
With all due respect to gays, why do not women talk about surrogacy?
To the full article
More on Walla!
Do not disqualify for size: the immense benefits of the average man
I waited three years to get a divorce (Photo: ShutterStock)
Woman, man, house
I spent the second half of my thirties as a divorcee in the old north of Tel Aviv. A basic concept at the time was an independent and strong woman who wore without apologizing a flattering smile. I was secretly looking for Mr. Big, but the truth was I only met doshs (the word "dosh" was not yet used), and luckily as a woman aiming for a stable frame, I removed from me eloquent men who send "awake," I gave up a laptop in cafes, the moving and disappearing intellectual figure, And about Tel Aviv, and I fell in love with Mr. Big in disguise - an interesting and containing Jerusalemite.
I moved to the capital, said goodbye to high heels, lived for almost a decade in a house of music, art and culture, published three books, but beneath the surface I built with a spoon a tunnel to freedom.
The problem in retrospect: With so many cultural upheavals that uplift the mind, you can not see that there is no future on the horizon.
Or in other words, an exciting and content-rich relationship does not necessarily produce roots,
Woman, man, family
When I returned to the center naked from social but very culturally and strengthened relationships, I took on the concept of "family woman" considerably late.
I chose (wisely) an academic with two sons and a close and very impressive family, and I did my best to fit in.
I could not see him.
I only saw the kids.
The kids wanted to - I was more present.
The kids asked - I reduced working hours.
I happily wore an embracing identity, and also moved in.
I cooked, furnished, laughed, entertained ... and suddenly I specialize in home management, and suddenly I decide to present (force) this specialization.
But family members have habits and preferences that were there before me, and they are so inappropriate to who I am and what I plan for us, that instead of expanding I shrink and become bitter.
Then the routine begins to run us.
And since there is no exciting content in the routine, in order to feel something we argue about ... everything.
We are frayed, children have no power over us, and the relationship designed to be familial and tight loses direction.
The problem in retrospect: Models are designed to produce order in chaos.
But it is important to match the chaos with the right model.
In the end there was no choice but to kill the knot.
We waited.
Our relationship is dead.
He did not get up.
But - we've been together for almost five years.
And no, we did not live the relationship.
We just had a new relationship.
This new context does not cite models (even if there are any).
It is built in our image, our dimensions, and in principle it can be opened and signed when the need arises, but it has a starting point ("We are best friends. We want to be together") and ground rules.
Why?
Because it encourages stability: we talk about the same concepts and keep expectations coordinated.
Not sexy, but works.
Not sexy, but works (Photo: Flash 90, Miriam Elster)
Basic rules:
Do not live together: separate houses.
Separate economy.
Why?
So that everyone has the personal space that will allow him freedom of conduct according to his criteria, desires and choices.
My house - my rules: Are you with me?
My rules apply to you (kitchen procedures, etc.);
I'm with you?
Your rules apply to me (without criticizing order, etc.).
Why?
Because this rule prevents almost 80% of the arguments and quarrels over Dumas matters, and frees up time for really important content.
Meet and sleep together on regular days: and a total of two / three consecutive days a week, and alternately on Friday-Saturday.
Why?
Because it is important to conduct oneself in a world without the mediation / accompaniment of the other.
And also - the most fun to spend together two consecutive days after three days of longing.
On non-meeting days, do not talk or correspond: in the morning send sun, heart and "good morning".
At night the same thing only with "night" and moon - and that's it!
Why?
Because in our experience, small talk becomes small talk, and small talk becomes the talk.
Do not describe how fascinating content accumulates after 48 hours of silence.
This, by the way, is a highly recommended rule.
When hungry people eat alone: A meal does not have to be an activity for two.
If eating together in the middle of a work day, the first to finish may go.
Why?
In order not to turn a salad or sandwich into an oppressive commitment.
I even wish I did not feel like it: if you asked, it means you need to.
So, even if I do not feel like helping you right now, I want to do it for you.
Why?
Because that's what friends do.
We want to stay together.
We have our own way and humor, there is affection and attraction, and the truth is that we also have a bold plan: in fifteen years (he will remain forever younger than me by 8 years), if we become wealthy enough, move to live together in a luxury apartment in sheltered housing.
Whose rules will be in the house?
Mine, of course.
Gal Kosturica's fourth book, "In the City of Families," was recently published (Hebrew, 2022).
The book is about relationships, people and love, as we all know, but do not always know how to express in words.
To purchase the book, click here.
Sheee
Life in style
Tags
women
relations
Relationships
Love
