By Morgan Sung and Doha Madani -
NBC News
The phrase "mutual abuse" has circulated online after a clinical psychologist used it during the libel trial involving actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
It's a divisive concept, according to domestic violence experts.
Depp is suing Heard for defamation in a text he wrote for The Washington Post in 2018, in which he said he had become the "public figure representing domestic abuse."
Although the article never mentions Depp by name, his lawyers allege that it indirectly refers to the accusations she made against him during their 2016 divorce.
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The trial, which is expected to last weeks, is being widely followed and discussed on social media.
Both Depp and Heard have testified that the other had been physically violent during the course of their relationship.
Laurel Anderson, a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor for the couple, described their dynamic as one of "mutual abuse," testifying that Depp told her Heard "gave as much as she got."
“Starting a fight was a matter of pride for her if she felt disrespected.
Her father had hit her,” Anderson stated.
Actor Johnny Depp testifies in the Fairfax County Circuit Court, Virginia, on Thursday, April 21, 2022. Jim Lo Scalzo / AP
Heard would rather be in a fight with Depp than see him go, and she "beat him up to keep him there," Anderson testified in court.
During cross-examination, Anderson clarified that Heard informed the therapist that she was "fighting back" after Depp contacted her.
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In court filings, Heard claimed that he hit Depp only in self-defense or in defense of his younger sister, according to The New York Times.
Since Anderson's testimony, the phrase "mutual abuse" has become a point of contention in online debates.
Some have described Depp and Heard's relationship dynamic as "reactive abuse," an equally divisive term to describe a victim's emotional outburst against an abuser.
Ruth Glenn, president and CEO of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), questions the existence of "mutual abuse."
In every incident between two people she points out that there is always a "main aggressor".
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“I don't believe in mutual abuse.
I don't think two parties would decide to get together in the kitchen and fight," Glenn opined.
“Reactive abuse doesn't sound good.
Am I going to abuse you as a reaction?
No, I'm going to defend myself as a reaction,” he added.
Glenn added that self-defense against a primary aggressor may "look like abuse," but it's not the same as an abuser exercising control over the victim.
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According to psychologist Betsy Usher, who specializes in treating abuse and trauma, reacting to abuse in self-defense can include insults, physical shoves, and other emotional outbursts.
In a 2021 blog post, Usher wrote that abusers can shift the blame onto their victims and accuse them of being the abuser if they react in self-defense.
Janie Lacy, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in relationship trauma, says that extremely volatile relationships can be described as "mutual abuse" and that, in many cases, this dynamic is rooted in trauma.
Lacy uses the term "traumatic attachment" to describe the "toxic emotional attachments" that sometimes occur in intense relationships.
When a victim is caught in a cycle of abuse and affection, she can develop a traumatic bond with her abuser, according to experts.
The alternation of violence and kindness reinforces the victim's attachment to her abuser, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and can allow abusive behavior to escalate.
Actress Amber Heard speaks with her legal team as actor Johnny Depp returns to the stand after a lunch break at the Fairfax County Circuit Court in Fairfax, Virginia, on Thursday, April 21, 2022. Jim Lo Scalzo / AP
"People can't necessarily leave them, but they can't stay either," Lacy said.
“When they have this 'come here' and 'go away' dynamic, it becomes a very exploitative relationship.
And there is this constant shifting of power and these kinds of dynamics,” she added.
Traumatic attachments aren't unique to romantic relationships, Lacy noted.
Children can develop traumatic bonds with abusive parents.
Employees can develop traumatic ties to abusive workplaces.
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Even followers can develop traumatic ties to a religious cult or institution, states a 2017 review in the International Journal of Psychology Research.
A child who had a traumatic bond with an abusive parent may experience "traumatic reactivity" in relationships as an adult, Lacy said.
The phrase is used to describe the exaggerated stress response a person may have after experiencing a traumatic event and may exhibit itself as a highly emotional outburst.
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"It's like all the things from the past are coming out now, and the person in front of them is going to receive all of those things, from an exaggerated, almost abusive point of view," Lacy explained.
“So if they felt betrayed by a parent, for example, and now they're responding to what feels like a betrayal, it's going to come from a very high point of view, reactive and abusive, which can also lead to situations of violence. domestic," he said.
When both partners experience trauma reactivity, it can "lead to a lot of destructive patterns for the couple," Lacy explained.
Trauma reactivity may be an explanation, but it is not an excuse for abusive behavior, experts say.
Glenn cautions against using someone's past trauma, substance abuse, or life circumstances to absolve them of their abusive behavior.
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"Often we want to find reasons because we don't have real data on why abusers do what they do," Glenn recalled.
“We find many ways to believe that it's okay for someone to be abusive.
Most of them actively choose to be abusers.
They have a need for power and control,” he explained.
During highly sensationalized and publicized court cases, terms to describe abusive behavior often slip through the net.
The misappropriation of phrases like "gaslighting" -- a type of psychological abuse in which someone is made to question her own reality -- and "mutual abuse" can undermine conversations about domestic violence, Glenn said.
“Please don't use them until you understand.
Because you're doing more harm than good," Glenn said.