How to process anxiety and fear after mass shootings, according to experts

He was saved from the massacre in Buffalo by going to buy a coffee 2:27

(CNN) --

For the past few weeks, it seems like almost every day we Americans find ourselves processing another mass shooting.

With the passage of time, the number of victims, the cities and the circumstances seem to be confused.

This feeling is familiar.

We've been here before, and if our recent history is any indication, we'll be here again.

And while it may seem that you and your family are desensitized to headlines about mass shootings, it's quite possible that you aren't.

Many people are likely to feel the stress and even anguish associated with each event with each passing day.

So it's worth asking how we take care of ourselves and our loved ones in these emotionally fragile times.

I have reached out to a few colleagues to get some ideas on how to take care of ourselves, our loved ones and our children during these times.

Here are some ideas from the experts.

• Former classmates of Buffalo shooting suspect describe him as 'lonely, but quiet'

normalize our fears

According to clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, an adjunct professor at Northwestern University and host of the "Reimagining Love" podcast, it's normal to be afraid in times of uncertainty, instability, and violence.

Fear is, according to her, a perfectly normal and expected reaction to such events.

Psychotherapist Kelley Kitley, author of "My Self: An Autobiography of Survival" and a mother of four, agreed with Solomon that families are threading a very delicate needle.

On the one hand, we should not try to avoid conversations about violence provoked by colleagues or media coverage.

On the other hand, we don't want to feel scared.

Feeling scared makes sense, but we also need to be mindful not to feel overly fearful, or make our children feel that way.

Check it out for yourself and your kids.

If fear is significantly interfering with your lives, consider some of the following interventions to help ease your anxiety, or your family's apprehension.

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connection opportunities

Many of us would like to protect our children from some of these alarming headlines, but with the widespread access our children have to information, this is no longer a reasonable expectation, Kitley said.

Mass shootings are devastating events, but they offer families the opportunity to have meaningful conversations about broader social issues, including the chance to talk about safety and race.

For example, her 10-year-old son recently asked Kitley, "Why are people allowed to buy guns?"

From there, a healthy discussion of social and safety issues between races and demographics ensued that Kitley and her son would otherwise never have engaged in.

It is also important to note that our children need to express their opinions and be heard.

We need to be open to communication with our children, even if what they have to express doesn't match our feelings or beliefs, Solomon added.

In moments of anguish, children need to be listened to, and not only to correct and redirect errors of thought or actions.

Cathy Cassani Adams, associate professor of sociology at the Dominican University of Greater Chicago and author of the recently published book "Zen Parenting: Caring for Ourselves and Our Children in an Unpredicatable World," adds that it's important to keep good people in mind who are responsible for keeping us safe.

• The Buffalo massacre puts the focus on a web full of hate messages

Remind yourself and your children that although we see reports of violence every day, this type of violence is still relatively rare, according to a 2020 study published in the journal Criminology & Public Policy cited by the RAND Corporation report on shootings massive in the United States.

And remember that heroes, helpers, and problem solvers are always there.

This statement provides hope, a rare commodity at times like this.

know the facts

Solomon shared some thoughts on the racial elements of these tragic events.

He believes the challenge for parents and family caregivers is to be sober, forthright and age-appropriate about the realities and dangers of anti-Blackness and white supremacy.

"I want parents in white families to speak pointedly that a lot of these shootings are white supremacist, rather than mass shootings," he said.

"Parents of white youth should be especially vigilant about online activity. We know that groups target white youth to radicalize them."

It's not about making anyone feel guilty or bad about being white, he said.

As a white man, I know that this is about our responsibility as white people to understand our country's history and how insidious systemic racism has been and remains deeply entrenched.

Pay attention to your information consumption

It's important to be informed about what's happening on a day-to-day basis, but keep in mind that news of mass shootings can be overwhelming for your family.

To limit the anxiety you and your children may experience, turn off the news at least part of the time, Kitley suggested.

Remember to create normal family time, doing chores and playing games.

In times of high stress, a degree of normalcy will provide the sense of balance your family needs.

Solomon said that families need to focus on each other and cultivate moments of joy, pleasure and rest.

Supermarket shooting suspect didn't belong in Buffalo 0:23

Don't skip the good stuff

This is a very important time of year for many families, with proms, graduations, end of school, family vacations, and other joyous rites of passage.

Kitley recommends focusing on the good things in front of us.

To maintain a sense of well-being, you don't just have to avoid the headlines: you have to enjoy these milestones.

A certain sense of normality and joy is crucial to overcome times of social unrest.

Get involved in a positive change

Families do better when they are on a mission to do something instead of sitting idly by while terrible events unfold.

In fact, a 2020 meta-analysis by the journal Psychological Bulletin found that helping others improves our own emotional well-being, a powerful benefit aside from getting involved.

So get your family to make a donation, organize a march, or do anything else in an effort to stop the violence in this country.

As Kitley told me, sometimes taking action and getting involved can help you feel empowered to be a part of something.

Editor's note: Psychologist John Duffy, author of "Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety," practices in Chicago.

He is specialized in working with adolescents, parents, couples and families.

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