Some encounters are moments of grace.
They are haloed with what is called politeness.
But what does this word designate?
Is it a convention?
A formal principle?
No, no, politeness is much more.
Jean Pruvost is the author of a book and joyful,
La Politeness, Over words and history
(Tallandier, 2022).
With his erudite pen, he weaves a nuanced canvas of the (many!) subtleties that frame our relationship to others and to the world.
” READ ALSO – “Enchanted”, a polite formula (but banished by good manners)
LE FIGARO.- What is politeness?
Jean Pruvost.-
Politeness is above all else.
It's a way of being with others: as soon as there are two human beings in contact, politeness comes into play.
It is a form of listening, of kindness, of attention to others.
A polite being forgets himself to pay attention to others.
It's the program of a lifetime!
This attention, this listening, is what I call “politeness of the heart”.
In some people it is very spontaneous.
No need to master the rules of civility to have this politeness of the heart.
She is the most important.
We often hear that people are less polite than before, but I'm not so sure.
Many people still are.
What is the difference between politeness and civility?
There are the rules of civility, the codes, for example when you say “hello sir”, “hello madam”.
But the politeness of the heart is first knowing how to say “hello”.
Unlike politeness, civility varies from one country to another, from one human group to another.
We master the codes by observing.
They are not the same depending on the generation and the era.
The Internet has its civility codes, and the civility of an African will not be the same as that of an Asian.
Politeness does not mean “servility” or “benevolence”.
It designates those conveniences which are necessary to live in harmony.
Jean Pruvost
Can politeness be learned?
Yes.
We teach it to little children.
It's not easy for them to forget themselves, they think first of all about their pleasure.
At the very beginning, when children meet at school, they are aggressive with each other.
The rules of politeness are learned through an immense effort of socialization.
Listening is a huge job.
Politeness does not mean “servility” or “benevolence”.
It designates those conveniences which are necessary to live in harmony.
This goes through the awareness that wickedness and aggressiveness are its opposites.
Whatever its background, it is never in focus.
To be polite, one must constantly adapt to the other.
It's a generational effort, with young and old.
If they don't tell you that you shouldn't do the hand-kissing by making a big “schmack” on the hand, you can make a fool of yourself.
Is there one or more courtesies?
There is a politeness from everyone's heart, and then civilities.
It is sometimes complex, because there are things that are unconscious to us.
When you go abroad, the gaze time from one person to another will not be the same.
It takes civility, learning the codes of the country to understand and avoid misinterpretations.
This is why politeness is impalpable.
When you go to another country, you have to take the whole people into consideration.
Politeness is an integration tool.
When strangers want to fit in, they use courtesy.
For example, if a French person goes to an oriental country, he will avoid crossing his legs or showing his soles.
It's rude there.
Similarly, if an inhabitant of this same country comes to France, he will take care to greet the person who is in the elevator...
” READ ALSO – “Bon appétit”, a polite formula (but banished by good manners)
Why are certain expressions of politeness ("bon appétit", "au Plaisir"...) disavowed by some, and appreciated by others?
Beware of purism.
Sometimes you learn a rule, and as soon as someone doesn't use it, you can't help but tell them they're wrong.
It's really a matter of interpretation.
"Bon appétit", "Bless you" or "Enchanted" are said or not depending on where you are.
For example, we avoid wishing a “bon appétit” during a meal of a hundred covers.
But a person who will say it anyway will have had the heart to say it.
Perfect politeness is very complicated.
It must not become a caste, with those who know and who do not forgive those who do not know.
You have to explain to them.
And remember that saying these frowned upon manners isn't monstrous.
The choice of polite formulas at the end of an email or a letter can be a real headache.
How do you know which is the most appropriate?
These formulas are difficult because they must be chosen according to the interlocutor.
But sometimes, you shouldn't be too straddling the codes.
You have to accept them, learn them, but as with spelling, don't hesitate to ask if you have any doubts.
The best ones are those that we invent.
For someone important, but with whom we have established contact, we can find a very respectful formula, and at the same time a little more human.
But it takes work, and the result is uncertain...
” READ ALSO – “I apologize”, a polite formula (but banished by good manners)
Can excessive politeness become rudeness?
The pompous sentences, the bombastic tone...
There are some pitfalls.
First, the voluntary and insolent excess of politeness.
For example when a person shows their annoyance by being overly polite.
Then there is excessive politeness when you are afraid of hurting someone.
So we tend to overdo it.
Shyness can also become rudeness, involuntary of course, but which can be taken for discourtesy.
We must help these people to come out of themselves.
Is gallantry still a matter of politeness?
It becomes more and more complicated... There are now new codes.
Gallantry is politeness in the noblest sense: it is the relationship of attention, of listening to others.
In this relationship of intention, gallantry is to try to “prevent” (a word that gave “preventive”) what the other needs.
Gallantry also affects a civilization.
It varies from one country to another.
In France, you walk past a lady on a staircase, to guide her or not to embarrass her.
In Germany it's the opposite, the man stands behind to hold her back if she falls.
Gallantry, like politeness, is a matter of self-sacrifice.