Russian soldier offers forgiveness for killing unarmed civilian 1:12
(CNN) --
It took a few weeks of sleeping on grenade boxes that served as a bed and hiding his face from the Ukrainians amid mounting guilt for the Russian junior soldier to come to a conclusion: This wasn't it. his battle to fight.
“We were dirty and tired.
The people around us were dying.
I didn't want to feel like I was a part of it, but I was a part of it," the soldier told CNN.
He assured that he went to look for his commander and resigned his position on the spot.
CNN does not name the soldier or include personal details that would help identify him for his safety.
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His story is remarkable, but it could also be one of many, according to war opponents in Russia and Ukraine who say they have heard of many cases of soldiers — both professionals and conscripts — refusing to fight.
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Russian troops have been fighting with low morale and heavy losses in Ukraine, according to assessments by Western officials, including the Pentagon.
The UK Cyber Security and Intelligence Agency says some have even refused to carry out orders.
The Russian Defense Ministry has not responded to a CNN request for comment.
an unknown mission
The soldier who spoke to CNN says he was part of the massive troop buildup in western Russia that sparked global fears for Ukraine.
But he said he didn't think much of it, even on February 22 this year, when he and the rest of his battalion were asked to hand over their mobile phones while stationed in Krasnodar, in southern Russia, without explanation.
That night they spent hours painting white stripes on their military vehicles.
They were then told to wash them, he said.
"The order has changed, draw the letter Z, as in Zorro," he recalled being told.
The letter Z, seen here on a row of Russian military vehicles, has become a war symbol for the invasion of Ukraine.
"The next day they took us to Crimea. To be honest, I thought we wouldn't go to Ukraine. I didn't think it would come to this at all," the man said.
As his unit assembled in Crimea — the Ukrainian region that Russia annexed in 2014 — Russian President Vladimir Putin launched his new invasion of Ukraine on February 24.
However, the soldier said that he and his comrades were not aware as no news was relayed to them and they were not in contact with the outside world without their phones.
Two days later, they were ordered to enter Ukraine, the soldier told CNN.
"Some guys flatly refused. They wrote a report and left. I don't know what happened to them. I stayed. I don't know why. The next day we left," he said.
Almost three months have passed since Russia invaded Ukraine.
This is how things are now
The soldier said he did not know the objective of the mission;
that President Vladimir Putin's bombastic claims that Ukraine was part of Russia and needed to be "denazified" did not reach the men invited to fight.
"We weren't fed some 'Ukrainian Nazi' rhetoric. Many didn't understand what this was all for and what we're doing here."
He told CNN that he hoped for a diplomatic solution and felt guilty that Russia invaded Ukraine.
He added that he was not well versed in politics.
In conflict
The first thing the soldier remembers after his unit crossed the border in a long line of vehicles was seeing boxes of Russian dry portions strewn everywhere and piles of destroyed equipment.
"I was sitting in the KAMAZ [truck], holding a gun hard against me. I had a gun and two grenades with me," he said.
The force headed northwest, in the direction of Kherson.
As they approached a village, a man with a whip jumped out and started whipping the convoy, yelling, "You're all screwed!" the soldier recalled.
“He almost got into the cabin where we were.
Her eyes were watery from crying so much.
She impressed me a lot,” she added.
“In general, when we saw the locals, we would tense up.
Some hid weapons under their clothes, and when they got close, they fired.”
Russian soldier offers forgiveness for killing unarmed civilian 1:12
He said he would hide his face out of shame and for safety because he felt embarrassed to be seen by the Ukrainians there.
In his land.
He said the Russians also came under a heavier attack, with mortars directed at them on the second or third day they were in Ukraine.
“For the first week or so, I was in a state of shock.
I didn't think of anything," she told CNN.
“I went to bed thinking: 'Today is March 1.
Tomorrow I will wake up, it will be March 2, the main thing is to live another day.'
Several times the shells fell very close.
It is a miracle that none of us have died,” she said.
Reactions in the ranks of the army
The soldier told CNN he wasn't the only soldier worried or confused about why they had been sent to invade Ukraine.
But he also recalls that some cheered when they learned combat bonuses would soon be paid.
"Somebody had a reaction, 'Oh, another 15 days here and I'll close the loan,'" he said.
After a couple of weeks, the soldier deployed closer to the rear, escorting equipment that needed repair, he said.
There he said that he also became more aware of what was happening and had more time and energy to reflect.
"We had a radio receiver and we could listen to the news," he told CNN.
"This is how I found out that shops are closing in Russia and the economy is collapsing. I felt guilty about this. But I felt even more guilty because we came to Ukraine."
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He said that his determination hardened to the point where there was only one thing he could do.
"In the end, I got together and went to the commander to write a letter of resignation," he told CNN.
At first, the commander rejected the approach, telling him that it was impossible to refuse to serve.
“He told me there could be a criminal case.
That rejection is a betrayal.
But I stood firm.
He gave me a piece of paper and a pen," the soldier told CNN, adding that he signed his resignation on the spot.
Report of more 'rejecters'
There have been other reports within the tightly controlled Russian media environment of soldiers refusing to fight.
Valentina Melnikova, executive secretary of the Union of Committees of Mothers of Soldiers of Russia, said that many complaints and concerns were heard when the first units left Ukraine to rest.
"Soldiers and officers wrote resignation reports, which they were unable to successfully return," he told CNN.
"The main reasons are, first of all, moral and psychological state. And the second reason is moral convictions. They wrote reports then and they are writing reports now."
Melnikova, whose organization was formed in 1989, said all troops had the right to submit reports and acknowledged that some of the commanders might reject them or try to intimidate soldiers.
His organization often advises soldiers on how to write such reports and provides legal advice.
The Ukrainian Intelligence Directorate reported that in several Russian units, specifically the 150th Motorized Rifle Division of the 8th Army of the Southern Military District, between 60% and 70% of soldiers refused to serve.
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CNN cannot verify that number.
In Russia, Melnikova told CNN there were "many" cases of soldiers refusing to fight in Ukraine, but declined to elaborate, citing security and legal concerns.
Aleksei Tabalov, a human rights activist and director of an organization that helps Russian conscripts, told CNN that he personally consulted two soldiers who resigned from the army.
"The same guys who refused to fight and turned on us, there were two of them, but from the brigade they left, another 30 people refused to fight," Tabalov told CNN.
Tabalov said that when submitting the request for resignation, the soldiers mentioned that they did not agree to participate in a special operation against Ukraine when signing the contract.
Absence without permission from the Russian army is a crime punishable by imprisonment.
However, those serving under contract have the legal right to resign within 10 days of leaving the service with an explanation of the reason for their departure.
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“I can't say that this is a massive phenomenon, but this phenomenon is quite strong.
If you estimate all the cases from other organizations plus indirect information, the number is over 1,000," Tabalov told CNN.
He said recruitment is still ongoing in the country, with new soldiers often coming from poorer regions with fewer prospects.
Thousands of Russian soldiers have been killed in Ukraine since the war began.
The Ukrainian Armed Forces estimate Russian losses at more than 22,000.
The last time the Russian Defense Ministry reported losses was on March 25, reporting 1,351 military deaths.
The ministry did not respond to CNN's request for an update.
The soldier who spoke to CNN is now with his family.
"What will happen next, I don't know," he said.
"But I'm glad to be back home."
war in ukraine