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Lieselotte, candidate in the 17th season of GNTM
Photo: Sven Doornkaat / ProSieben
The automatic station manager rummages through the list of well over a thousand TV channels.
Actually, I haven't watched linear TV for a long time, but there has to be order on my new telly.
I'm stuck with »Germany's Next Top Model« (GNTM).
I want to banish Pro Sieben to the lower tiers, because - yikes - Heidi Klum is facing a friendly, older lady.
Who is this?
In any case, Heidi Klum must have had speech training.
Her voice no longer drools, and it has also become more bearable in the highs.
Maybe it's also due to aging: the voice gets deeper during the menopause, on average by a whole step.
Heidi Klum is even lenient with Lieselotte.
That's the lady's name.
She is a contestant on the show where people don't have last names.
Lieselotte is supposed to pose on a model torture device, a swinging rod that oscillates menacingly back and forth four meters above the ground.
She gets special treatment, she can stand still on the monkey bar.
After a serious accident, five of her intervertebral discs had to be fixed with screws.
Lieselotte fears for her stability.
And - I think I'm not hearing correctly - Lieselotte is 66 years old.
Apparently I didn't get something there.
I'm in the semi-finals of GNTM 2022 and one of the last candidates has already passed retirement age?
Is this part of a new private strategy?
Young people, like myself, have forgotten television.
Are they now fishing in the territory of the public broadcasters in terms of marketing?
But it gets even better.
Appearance of a woman who no longer belongs in the screaming league.
Martina from Vienna is 50 years old, beautiful and brought her daughter Lou-Anne (18) with her.
The off-text always wants to talk about competition between mother and daughter, but the two seem to get along quite well, even after weeks of internment in a model camp under constant observation.
The third hammer: Heidi (48) has her daughter Leni (18) with her.
Leni also models somehow and is Heidi's new juror.
Together they sit on director's chairs, high five and regularly burst out in neighing laughter.
Leni speaks cute German.
She grew up in the USA.
I do not understand the world anymore.
It was always such an inhuman meat inspection, Heidi's girls' zoo.
I am amazed.
Cross-generational neighing from mother and daughter Klum
But you can rely on Heidi's nasty side.
She must have inherited that from her daughter - (or is that upbringing?): Appearance of candidate Anita.
It's about getting into the final.
Anita is a very controlled young woman.
Heidi falls back into her old lyre intonation: »Unfortunately I don't have a photo for you today!« Anita allows a moment to look into her soul, her facial features derail, she stammers »Okay«.
Then daughter Leni pulls the photo out of the folder.
prank!
Anita's eyes well up, she regains her composure and takes part in the final.
Departure Anita, cross-generational neighing of mother and daughter Klum.
Leni can't contain herself anymore.
Behaviorally conspicuous, she adds an ironic »That was so sad!« and rolls over with laughter at Anita.
But one of the candidates is still deep in the basement of character weaknesses.
It's hard to imagine that Noella (25) should work in geriatric care in real life.
She has to step in front of the Klum family scaffold with Lieselotte (as a reminder: 66 years old).
Noella's comment: 'One of us is looking good, the other isn't.
What I've accomplished here is what I treat myself to the most.” It's happening just as Noella would want it to in her selfish world.
Lieselotte flies out.
I realize that I really don't like this kind of performance, even if the format has been specially tailored for my age group ("50 plus").
Sometimes I long for the eighties, when Nena still wore armpit hair and wasn't ashamed of it.
Armpit hair is used to absorb sweat.
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Heidi and Leni Klum bring me back to the present.
Backstage, Martina is now screeching a bit, she's in the final: "I'm the first Best Agerin in the final!" It sounds like this in phonetic transcription: "Bäääst Ääätscherin".
Only Viennese women can rest so intensely on vowels, followed by a cluster of unvoiced consonants that is actually voiced in English.
Martina is beside herself.
I would wish for her to win, but that's not going to happen.
Heidi's plans announced at the end of the semi-finals really scare me: shot, reverse shot, departure of mother and daughter.
The hateful team stalks down the runway and strikes up a conversation.
It can be heard that Heidi wants to inherit the show from her daughter.
But first she should learn German properly.
Perhaps the word "tact" could come first?
