Not doing everything together: keys so that August does not become the month of divorces

As long-awaited as it may be, a month of vacation is a real challenge for those who are used to sharing short periods of time throughout the year, which is why divorces skyrocket at the end of the period.

To understand this phenomenon we must first understand how the other 11 months of the year work.

A working couple with children will find few spaces throughout the year to deal with possible underlying problems that underlie the relationship.

Between the workday, housework, and social commitments, there's no time or energy to deal with what's going wrong, so conflicts quietly build up.

And it is when the long-awaited vacation arrives that, like a Pandora's box, everything comes out at once when what we need is to rest.

Let's see a practical example.

Ever since she changed jobs for a better paid but more demanding one, Andrea dreams of vacations.

Her days of almost 10 hours a day hardly leave her time to breathe.

When she gets home, she takes care of the children, takes care of dinner on the days that it is her turn and when the little ones are in her bed she sits on the sofa next to her husband, as tired as she is.

As they watch the series on duty, she is so exhausted that she struggles to stay awake, although he usually falls asleep within five minutes.

From the sofa they go to bed to rest for six or seven hours and start again.

On the first day of vacation, the expectations are enormous.

However, Andrea can't sleep the hours she wanted because the children run around the apartment early in the morning.

They take the car to go to the beach, but they find a huge traffic jam.

She is behind the wheel and her husband recriminates her that she should have chosen the alternative route that he suggested.

Why does she never listen to him?

This is just the prelude to a high-tension August.

After several days of constant friction, the family begins a

of Italy.

There they expect new early risers, queues under the sun at museums and daily scuffles over any trifle.

After returning home, more tired than when they left, an atmosphere of confrontation has settled between the couple.

The remaining 15 days of vacation will be very long.

Andrea thinks of the Anglo-Saxon saying “

”—He's okay in small doses—and she realizes that she can't stand her husband.

She complains about everything and never assumes when he is the one who does things wrong, being the king of disorder.

When she talks to him, she is absent, and has zero patience with children.

Perhaps for all that, they are hardly having sex.

Will they survive this vacation?

Although fortunately many couples experience more pleasant situations during the summer break, let's see five keys to reduce tension in this relational intensive.

Lower expectations.

Pretending that vacations are always a party and a balm will make us more intolerant of small setbacks and differences that will undoubtedly arise.

Find the middle way.

This Buddhist concept helps us to agree in a balanced way when there are different visions on how to spend free time.

If one of the parties would be on the beach all day and the other is in favor of reading in the shade of a pine tree, it can be combined to find a point of comfort for everyone.

Know when and how to debate.

If we address the problems accumulated throughout the year in the first days of vacation, we will turn it into hell.

You have to bring up the issues slowly and in propitious moments of serenity, communicating what bothers us from affection and mutual listening.

Practice humor in everyday problems.

The heat, the screams of the children, the defects of the hotel or the poor quality of the paella that we have just been served on a noisy terrace can be experienced as a drama or as something that provokes laughter.

Humor is the universal solvent for bad vibes.

Don't try to do everything together.

After 11 months sharing time pills with fatigue in tow, we can't binge on coexistence.

In fact, including small “retreats” in your day-to-day life to do something individual will be good for everyone.

Francesc Miralles is a writer and journalist expert in psychology.

The 'solosophy' vaccine

— In her book

Nika Vázquez addresses the importance of knowing how to be with oneself and affirms that couples who try to do everything together suffer more wear and tear than those who preserve their secret gardens.

— In his words, "a secret garden is anything that helps us meet again, where we can be ourselves freely (...) without our partner having to be present."

— The one who takes care of his secret gardens is nourished there and then gives himself to the couple with renewed energy.

Thanks to that, he always has something new to tell and share.