“You don't do anything at home.
Shall I make you a video tutorial so you know how to put on the washing machine?”.
It is possible that reproaches like these sound like more than one.
Perhaps with another formulation, but with a similar content.
Well, if John Gottman heard someone say that he would throw up his hands.
And it is that in that simple sentence two of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are appearing in a relationship.
Gottman, an American psychologist, has studied couple relationships for 40 years.
He has defined and collected in numerous books which aspects ruin a relationship and which, on the other hand, help it work.
The first, which he has called inspired by the white, red, black and yellow horses of universal mythology, are destructive criticism, defensive attitude, contempt and evasive attitude.
Say “you do nothing at home”
It includes two negative aspects that, as they are repeated, undermine the good vibes at home.
To begin with, speak in absolute terms:
never,
always
or, as in this case,
nothing.
And to continue, a veiled accusation of laziness: if you don't do anything, it's because you don't care how the house is.
Here is destructive criticism, the first horseman.
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The second would be in the contempt that is reflected in the irony, coupled with a certain aggressiveness in suggesting doing that video tutorial.
The thing goes even further if the couple, instead of accepting the complaint, responds defensively and counterattacks:
"
Can I make you an Excel with the times I've taken the garbage out?"
Or even if she does it showing an attitude of indifference, shutting up, looking away while being talked to, giving no sign of listening.
The defensive and evasive attitude complete the four horsemen that lead to the Apocalypse in the couple.
The discussions that include these forms of expression normally appear progressively and gradually erode the relationship.
The more riders ride through the conflicts and the more times, the worse things get.
And while it is not entirely strange to fall into these types of attitudes in coexistence, there is good news: knowing how to identify them is the first step to changing these behaviors and avoiding the drift towards catastrophe.
Discuss well as a couple
All couples have discrepancies and it is utopian (or perhaps dystopian?) to think of a couple that never argues.
If there is no discussion, it may be because conflicts are avoided, and that is a potential conflict in itself.
Additionally, a 2015 Gottman Institute study found that couples who argue have a stronger relationship.
The question is not so much disagreement on some issues but the way in which they disagree.
In other words, arguing is not the same as fighting.
These aspects that badly affect the day to day have to do with how and with the way in which we communicate.
If we change that “You do nothing.
Shall I make you a video tutorial?
for a: “I wish you would remember to put the washing machine on.
If you prefer, we can plan the housework” it is possible that the issue will be resolved much better.
But it is difficult to be kind when the same suggestion has been repeated 20 times, something understandable, since the communicative work affects both parties.
Faced with a complaint in a friendly tone, the couple's requests must be taken seriously from the first time they are formulated.
Because the opposite implies that certain issues become a ball and enter a phase of stagnation, that is, it is always discussed for the same reason.
There are two keys to dealing with conflicts as a couple.
The first, understand that the two people are going in the same direction.
A fight cannot be conceived as a confrontation of one against the other, but both against the problem.
And the second is to communicate to resolve, not to fight.
If a couple believes these four horsemen of the Apocalypse are riding nearby and wants to keep them away, they can play a game: identify them in their discussions.
Get a red card each and take it out the moment you detect that one appears.
In this way, the accusations and reproaches can become something fun and a signal to change the way you communicate.
Gottman adds another fact to keep in mind: 69% of couples' problems have no solution.
It is necessary to solve those that do have it (putting the washing machine will surely be one of them) and learn to live with those that do not.
A sense of humor can be a helpful resource.
Basic rules for good communication as a couple
Don't use
always
or
never
.
The phrases "You always do such a thing" or "You never listen to me" can be interpreted literally and lead to conflict.
Things are not usually black and white.
Speak in the first person about what is happening.
“I feel this way” is a better formula than “you make me feel this way”.
This second way can be interpreted as accusatory.
Let the other person finish.
You have to repress the desire to interrupt or finish the speaker's sentence.
If the other person speaks slowly it can be quite a challenge, but you can.
You have to bite your tongue.
If something is not understood, you have to ask.
And ask if necessary.
Do not deduce or take for granted what the other person wants or thinks.
In couples, it is common for someone to think they know in advance what the other person wants or what is best for them.
And you may be wrong.
Arola Poch is a psychologist and sexologist.