It is often said that "raising a child is a hundred years old and worrying about ninety-nine years."
The 50-year-old father Jay has two daughters. Six years ago, the eldest daughter dropped out of school due to emotional distress. Since then, she has participated in various counseling programs and has made great progress.
This experience has taught Jay that the most important thing is to give the child more space, time and confidence, so that he can slowly help his daughter return to school, and the parent-child relationship will also be improved.
Written by: The Boys' & Girls' Clubs Association of Hong Kong School Social Work Service (Secondary) ("Changing Sun@Community" Project)
▼On April 11, the Education Bureau announced that schools will resume classes from April 19▼
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It is often said that "raising a child is a hundred years old and worrying about ninety-nine years."
The 50-year-old father Jay has two daughters. Six years ago, the eldest daughter dropped out of school due to emotional distress. Since then, she has participated in various counseling programs and has made great progress.
This experience has taught Jay that the most important thing is to give the child more space, time and confidence, so that he can slowly help his daughter return to school, and the parent-child relationship will also be improved.
The fuse of resistance to school
With a smile on his face, Jay gives the impression of a very kind father.
He described the two daughters as being very well-behaved from childhood to adulthood. Although they are relatively introverted and quiet, they are not good at expressing themselves, but the family has a harmonious relationship.
The daughters have consistently been among the best in their academic performance since elementary school.
However, something happened at the eldest girl's high school, which caused her to resist going to school.
Jay recalled that one day the eldest daughter told him that he was beaten by his classmates at school.
Later, the school contacted Jay to understand the ins and outs of the incident, and found that it was the eldest girl who accidentally slapped her classmate hard that day, making the other party cry.
"She (the eldest daughter) really wanted to slap her classmates, or she really tried her best. When other classmates saw you "beating people", they surrounded her. When she felt so unhappy, the pressure came out. "
Daughter diagnosed with Asperger's disease
After the "beating" incident, the eldest girl began to avoid going to school, and later hid in the library next to the school, refusing to return to the school.
At that time, the couple and the school social worker accompanied their daughter back to school. Noticing that she was very nervous and scared when she stepped into the campus, Jay said, "I can imagine how deeply it affected her."
The eldest girl continued to resist going to school, and the school social worker referred her to see a psychiatrist.
She was later diagnosed with depression and Asperger's, a developmental disorder on the autism spectrum.
Jay and his wife started reading a lot about autism and depression, hoping to learn more about their daughter.
Trying to force my daughter to go to school
After she stopped going to school, Jay described the eldest daughter as having "dishesed hair, sleeping until dark all day, waking up to eat, and dying after eating." Considering that her daughter was still young at the time, her mother had tried to coax her, but she "forced her to eat." Qu, ripped Qu to go back to school", but the eldest girl remained indifferent.
At the same time, her dissatisfaction with her parents, which had been accumulating in the past, also erupted all at once.
"Before I started counting, my mother put pressure on him, and I felt that he was not good to him, so I didn't understand him well. But he didn't know what to say before, and he buried it in his own heart, so I don't even know what happened to me."
The relationship between the two couples and the eldest daughter also deteriorated. Jay recalled: "The most difficult thing is that there is no answer. You keep talking to her and she doesn't pay attention to you. There is no reaction or communication."
Gradual changes after enrolling in a mentoring program
In order to help their daughter, Jay and his wife tried their best, including taking her to see a clinical psychologist, and also tried cognitive therapy and hypnotherapy, but it never worked.
Later, Jay's wife called the parent counseling hotline of the Boys' and Girls' Clubs Association of Hong Kong. Under the suggestion of the social worker, the eldest daughter joined the "Xianqing@Community" project.
Jay also sees his daughter's condition getting better.
"From the beginning, I saw that he was buried in his room all day long, his hair was disheveled, sometimes he wouldn't brush his teeth, and he wouldn't even wash his hands when it was cold. After I went to "Bring the Sun", I started to have a lot of motivation, and I didn't need us to take him after that. He was willing to take a ride out of the center himself.”
From the reflections of her daughter and social worker, Jay learned that during the activity, her daughter felt tolerance, acceptance and respect, and gradually opened herself up and connected with others.
After a gap of two years, my daughter is willing to contact the society again, and her mood has greatly improved.
Jay and his wife arranged for her to go back to school and transfer to a new school to re-read Secondary 1 to adjust.
Although the eldest daughter was still not used to it in the first year, but from the second year, she finally slowly returned to the right track.
Find the right communication mode
Jay's parent-child relationship with his wife and daughter has improved a lot, and the efforts of parents are really important.
Jay learned to give his daughter a little more respect and acceptance.
"And the family has a talk, and if they are interested, they will take the initiative to talk about it. For example, I saw that he was playing games online all day long, and asked him what he was playing. Although he didn't understand, he listened, and he told him. He will feel that you are willing to listen to him, and you will compliment him along the way." Jay found that as long as he was willing to take a step and try to understand his children's interests, he could open up the conversation box.
As the saying goes, "Every family has a scripture that is difficult to read." Every family's situation may be different.
But Jay believes that the most important thing is for parents to learn to let go of their "stature" and start from the child's point of view.
The goals and steps between husband and wife must be consistent and support each other in order to bring their children out of the predicament.
Listen to why your child is not going to school
Since the outbreak of the epidemic more than two years ago, schools have been closed from time to time. Ms. Huang, who is in charge of the "Xianqing@Community" project, said that the number of parents who have received help has increased a lot during this period, and most of them are children who refuse to go to school.
She pointed out that it is normal for parents to be worried and fearful in the face of these situations.
"Sometimes parents will use the methods of bullshitting, coercion, and arguing, hoping that their children will return to school, but be aware that there is a chance that there will be adverse effects such as scolding each other and physical conflict, which will worsen the relationship between each other. A young man once said that "emotional The troubles make me unable to return to school, which is actually very uncomfortable. I most hope that my family will understand, understand, and listen to my thoughts.” It is recommended that parents first understand the reasons behind the frightening of their children and not returning to school. When necessary, they can help others intimidated."
In many cases, children may not immediately reveal the reasons. Ms. Huang believes that parents should not face it with the mentality of "children are lazy and dragged", and "must calmly listen to their voices and communicate with them."
Sometimes I feel discouraged in the process. Miss Huang told her parents to have an optimistic attitude, as Jay said:
"No matter how discouraged you are, you won't be able to help things. Don't be discouraged, let's help them first. You said that children's health is the most important thing about reading? Personal health and well-being, no illness or pain, the most important thing to do is to turn around and read. It is more important to solve his emotional and psychological problems.”
About the Boys' & Girls' Clubs Association of Hong Kong's "Career@Community" project:
This project is sponsored by the Keswick Foundation and supported by the Hong Kong Council of Social Service, and will be implemented from 2018 to 2021.
In an atmosphere of tolerance and mutual support, through different crafts or sports workshops, we support a group of young people who have temporarily dropped out of school due to emotional distress, settle their restless minds, re-understand themselves, and find their way to continue their life.
The program also provides support to parents.
More about the Boys' & Girls' Clubs Association of Hong Kong "Children's Heart" parent hotline
