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(CNN) --
You've been dating someone for a few months and you've agreed to take the next step by committing to a long-term relationship ... then you hear something that takes you by surprise.
He wants to quit his job in a year and live off the grid, whereas you have planned to work in the city and stay close to your family.
How come you didn't know this crucial information?
And now that?
"When people first fall in love, when they feel the infatuation, sometimes logic goes out the window," says Deborah Carr, professor of sociology and director of the Center for Innovation in the Social Sciences at Boston University.
"There's a lot of data showing that logical thought patterns are sometimes lost when someone is really very attracted to a person or is in the throes of passion."
Depending on how far along the relationship is, failing to assess certain areas of compatibility early on can have complex emotional and practical consequences, says Jeremy Nicholson, a Massachusetts-based social psychologist and contributor to Psychology Today.
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If you find that you and your partner are incompatible, "either you stay in a relationship with someone you love but who makes you miserable because you can't have a healthy relationship with them, or you break up with someone you're deeply in love with," Nicholson said .
Although having conversations about priorities seems difficult at first, it's much easier on the emotions in the long run, she added.
Also, as commitment increases, the practicalities of a couple's lives tend to become more intertwined, "particularly financially," Nicholson added.
"So it becomes more of a problem for you if you haven't had these conversations and then they spend the rent money, and they can be homeless."
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Breaking up a relationship "can also be costly, like when you have to get a divorce. Cohabiting and then finding a new apartment is very disruptive," Carr said. Sometimes, "it can really create a hardship for people and their family and friends when dissolves a serious relationship. So I think it's important to go in cautiously and have as much information as possible."
By the time you consider committing to a serious relationship with someone (or several), you probably already know their COVID-19 vaccination status, political affiliation, or religious beliefs.
These are the questions you should be asking yourself and your love interests to assess red flags and overall compatibility every step of the way.
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long-term commitment
When considering commitment, ask yourself why you're with this person, what benefits you're getting and what makes you happy about them, Carr says. "Sometimes the answer is, 'Well, I'm lonely and I need someone.' (But) That's not really reason enough to jump into a relationship."
"The couples I work with who are new and just getting to know each other often don't pay as much attention as they should to their emotional compatibility, to the degree that they're really comfortable with each other, or if they're just crazy. in love and attracted," said John Duffy, a psychologist who specializes in working with adolescents, parents, couples and families.
Emotional compatibility is feeling like you can share anything with your partner, versus feeling cautious and having to put up a front, Duffy added.
"Being willing to commit is pretty easy," Nicholson said, but does your partner want to commit to a short-term or long-term relationship?
And what do you understand by a long-term relationship?
For some people, that means having a partner, getting married, or having children.
Is it a monogamous, open or polyamorous relationship?
Do you like, and do they like, the idea of living together one day?
Compatibility
In addition to knowing the type of relationship you want, it's important to know how practically aligned you are in other values, finances, and sexual activity.
Pay attention to values-based or character-based red flags, such as a lack of financial generosity (as evidenced by behaviors like not tipping waiters), excessive spending, or extreme restraint.
Paying attention to early signs of financial compatibility will pay off if you decide to live together, Duffy said.
"It also shows up in other areas of the relationship over time," such as a partner's generosity with their time and attention, including when it comes to your physical needs and desires, she added.
Some people have lifestyles or medical conditions that can influence what they need from a partner.
Does the person you plan to engage with have a substance abuse problem or sobriety journey that they will need support for?
Or do you have it, and have you communicated it to him?
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How does your partner treat family members, people of the opposite sex, and people with whom you have strained relationships?
Has he revealed signs of violent or aggressive behavior, such as aggressive driving or outbursts of anger over a small event?
Do you argue using healthy, open communication, or do you feel cold and abusive?
“Part of growing up is disagreeing in a healthy way and learning and growing from it, growing together even through disagreements and finding your way to reconciliation,” Duffy said.
"That's a really important thing to consider when gauging the potential longevity of a relationship."
Determining sexual compatibility includes asking which types of physical intimacy are okay and which are not.
"That can be anything from toys to oral sex to all kinds of foreplay...then we get into fetishes and fantasies and things like that," Nicholson said.
"If someone needs a particular thing and the other person can't stand it, then that's kind of a red flag that needs to be worked through or the relationship might not be able to progress."
When it comes to sex, the main questions are what kinds of activities both partners enjoy and how often each wants it, Nicholson said.
People also differ in their beliefs about whether satisfying one's sexual needs is the sole responsibility of one's partner.
Also, what is your partner's sleep routine like, if they have one?
"The greater the disparity, the more things they will have to resolve," he said.
"It's in people's best interest to discuss sexually transmitted infections as soon as they are sexually active," Carr added. Couples should discuss sexual health, including birth control and who will be responsible for it and any assumptions about.
If your loved ones are not supportive of your partner, will you protect your relationship and set boundaries?
How is your partner's relationship with his own family?
Nowadays, thanks to dating applications, it is possible to know from the beginning the life goals of a person, such as if they want to have children.
If not, for adults, three to six months of being together is when children are worth talking about, Duffy said.
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Live together
Sharing a home with your partner can raise additional considerations in each of the important areas of compatibility.
When it comes to finances, assess the couple's ability to be conscientious and meet their obligations, Nicholson said.
How do you plan to pay high debts?
Do you have a savings account?
It determines whether "they lead an immediate and impulsive lifestyle, or whether they are able to delay gratification, save and basically plan ahead," Nicholson added.
He also considers who is going to pay what and why, whether contributions depend on each person's salary, and whether they want to keep separate or joint accounts.
Housework expectations can become conflicting if they are not discussed early.
Sometimes people make assumptions based on their cultural background or their beliefs about gender roles, Nicholson says.
Partners should get a sense of each other's beliefs, and then discuss what they feel comfortable with.
Carr said that he usually recommends that each person do what he likes.
Asking about long-term career goals is also critical, Carr added. If your partner anticipates a major change, like moving to get a new job, does she expect you to move in with her?
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Before saying "yes, I do"
Many of the same compatibility assessments that are made for cohabitation also apply to marriage, but in the latter case, the expectations become more serious, Carr and Nicholson say.
It's possible to be somewhat flexible with someone's spending habits while you're living together, but if he's racking up debt and you're marrying him, his debt will become yours, too, says Nicholson.
As your life becomes more and more linked to theirs, you need to make sure that you are comfortable with who they are and what they do, because it will affect you more than before.
Plus, "it's very hard to change people," Carr said. "When people get older, they become an amplified version of their younger selves. So if there's one trait in your partner that stirs you up when you're 25, That trait will get bigger and it could be much, much more annoying when you're in your 50s, so really ask yourself about the good, the bad, and the ugly and what you're willing to accept and not in a relationship."
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