Summer (analog) TV binge

Every summer I shake off postmodernity and regress to a premodern, almost reactionary state.

It's hard to get used to, it's like bathing in cold water, but once inside, the body doesn't want anything else.

Little by little, the finger remembers the touch of the remote control.

Accustomed to going up and down through the menus of the platforms, it is difficult to press the number buttons, but it is comforting to see that they have not been deleted.

There they are, where they have always been, La 1, La 2, Antena 3, Cuatro, Telecinco, La Sexta and, for those who always try local specialties, the corresponding regional channel.

After a few minutes, the finger moves from one to another as when TVs were dumb and we called them that, dumb boxes, and not

.

If we make ourselves comfortable on the sofa, we will be ready to explore that territory of rehash, mediocrity and tacky called summer (analog) TV.

More information

Between news and low-risk bets: this is summer on free-to-air television

There is no vacation without relaxation of customs.

The criterion also rests in August, both that of the programmers and that of the viewers.

We have already spent the year browsing the platforms, lost in the endless offer of series, scoring, ranking, valuing and demanding even of the BBC.

If in summer we gladly drink the ditto red wine, we accept as paella the rice with eyes from the beach bar (so called, with eyes, because only the heads of the prawns can be seen) and we walk around the town in shorts and flowery shirts that cause epilepsy attacks, we must be consistent with our television habits, especially if we are away from home and the vacation apartment does not have Wi-Fi and we do not remember the Disney + password.

I do not recommend starting the exercise in the morning, but there everyone.

In general, the summer morning slot is like that of any other season of the year, but with other busts and some chatterboxes who pretend to care about current affairs while they look at the time on their cell phones to calculate how much time is left before going to the beach.

In

, in

, in

o'clock and in

they feel out of season.

They taste bland, like melons in February.

The only one that maintains its seasonal validity is Alfonso Arús, who in summer puts the surname

to his successful

, as an attempt to pass off as fresh the reheated merchandise that has been serving since the early nineties, when instead of TikTok home videos it broadcast them from VHS.

Arús is, along with the Tour de France (and, in another tone, Jordi Hurtado), the only eternal thing on TV, and that is because he was ahead of everyone and understood that the world of the future was full of gentlemen smacking each other on scooters and cute kittens playing with socks.

Jorge Javier (right) together with several collaborators of 'Sálvame'. Telecinco

Taking a nap with the

fruit trees that dominate Telecinco seems difficult to me.

Neither the

, nor the

nor the

, despite the freshness of the latter, go well with the torpor after eating, which begs for a good session of Turkish soap operas on Antena 3.

, it is not Turkish, but it lacks little and works well as a prologue to

, that

in Anatolia that, in turn, leaves the body ready for the magical and profitable hours that follow the evening news.

That's when the summer thickens, when the laziness of the programmers materializes in refried food labeled as "the best of" the star programs.

El Gran Wyoming and Pablo Motos reign as ghosts of past springs, winters and autumns.

They are not his best moments, but scenes cut randomly, as if someone had plugged the random mode of Spotify.

The good sapper knows not to spend too much time on these

, at the risk of discovering that both Wyoming and Motos have been reciting the same phrases for thirty years and are barely distinguishable from Alfonso Arús.

Before that happens, and the recorded loop breaks the charm of programs that benefit from the live feel (even if it's fake and recorded in the afternoon), the finger must jump to other channels.

In my case, I like to visit La 2, which at that time becomes a branch of RAI, with its Montalbano and Pizzofalcone.

Heat and tempo of the

that combine well with the summer climate.

More entertaining than the

of

in Cuatro or whatever is scheduled by La 1 (surely, a repeated

that stages the essence of summer: expired news).

Dinner digested and the frontal lobe stunned by so many hours of exposure to analog TV, after eleven at night it's time for the brave.

The sapper's finger then dares to explore the most infamous regions of DTT, those channels whose names are similar and confused (some belong to Atresmedia and others to Mediaset, but I'm damned if I know which ones belong to whom: Nova, Mega , Neox, Energy, Divinity, Be Mad, etc.).

The craziest and most scatological

shows on international television take refuge there , demonstrating that abroad is not an enlightened and free land, but rather that it is populated by bipeds as lazy and onlookers as the Iberians.

Reruns of Spanish programs also shine, such as

, with very old investigations in which the culprits have already served their sentences.

Image from a report of 'El punto de mira'.

If I felt guilty, that would be my guilty pleasure, but it's pure pleasure, pure batter on the most miserable side of human beings.

I especially recommend DKiss, a genuine cabinet of medical horrors, with wonders such as

,

or

, works only suitable for those who yearn for the program

of the first Antena 3, with Dr. Beltrán.

It is best to alternate this tele gore with reruns of

de Clan or

in Fiction Factory.

It is not convenient to anchor for a long time in the deep part of DTT, because the unwary can be cleared between aliens, unsolved crimes and disastrous cosmetic surgery operations.

DTT at dawn is not for fragile spirits, as is not that TV with flip-flops and overheated programs that we gobble up in summer as if they were squid from the beach bar.

They can go too far in consumption, they can be uncritical, but be clear that, in September, it will be up to them to heal themselves with a strict BBC and HBO diet to lose the extra cathodic kilos.

You can follow EL PAÍS TELEVISIÓN on

50% off

Subscribe to continue reading

read without limits

Keep reading

I'm already a subscriber