Fear of Death: The Stressful Period of Paula Rosenberg | Israel today

world order

Every year I visit the hospital for a breast MRI.

My mother recovered from breast cancer, not genetic though, but I still require close monitoring.

Anxiety always jumps out at me a few days before the date of the annual examination, sleep is disrupted, thoughts go to places I don't like to visit.

Does this mean I'm anxious?

The breast examination was carried out the day after the end of a cursed period in which we experienced the deepest anxiety one can experience as parents: an unclear finding in our daughter's examination followed by a worrisome diagnosis, endless consultations with doctors and hospitalization, until a corrected and happy diagnosis that negated the worrisome danger.

That's why I was less worried than usual before my test, because I believed that reality would not throw another challenge at me at the moment.

I deserve some quiet.

But the morning after the test, the doctor called and said: "Paula, I saw the MRI, I'd like you to also do a mammogram and an ultrasound because you see a glandular mass in the right breast. It's not a cancerous lump, absolutely not. It could be benign. But come to the clinic." .

The practice of anxiety

I'm a practical woman, it helps relieve anxiety.

It turns out that people with a relatively high anxiety threshold (but not to the point of disturbance) react better to a threat and process danger more effectively.

The study also found that people who experience anxiety in the face of life's events are less likely to have fatal accidents compared to less anxious people.

I agree with this study.

On the road, for example, I am aware at every moment that an accident may occur.

The road scares me even without overtaking cars or speeding.

Does that mean I'm anxious or calculated?

If my daughters ask to sleep with a friend, I will find out who exactly sleeps there, who lives at home.

If I don't know the parents - there is a slim chance that I will agree, I read studies on sexual harassment and know that most of them do not happen on the street, but rather in domestic spaces.

Does this mean I'm anxious or aware?

I would very much like to go down to Sinai with Leon and the girls, as everyone is doing now, but there is no chance of a family vacation in a destination without accessible advanced medical services.

A real sting or dehydration from the sun without access to a fluid infusion is enough to make me regret that I "flowed" with the prevailing belief that "I'll be fine."

Does that mean I'm anxious or logical?

Optimistic anxiety

After the doctor called me to the clinic, I immediately got into the car, directed Wise to the hospital, but I could not start it.

My hand dialed the company without planning.

While sobbing, I explained that I don't deserve it because I'm a good woman, and that I didn't even manage to get any hours of sleep from the nightmarish month and running with Arbali to the hospital, that I'm scared, and what exactly is glandular enlargement.

In the waiting area there were signs on the walls: "Early diagnosis saves lives", "One of Nine Association - support and accompaniment for breast cancer patients", there was also an ad demonstrating how to perform a home breast examination.

I couldn't concentrate on the WhatsApp messages that kept flowing as if I had no glandular glomerulation, I tried to practice mindfulness, but I couldn't relax.

When I went in for the mammogram, the anxiety was transformed into a situation I didn't know, a kind of internal position that says: whatever happens - happens, I'll deal with it.

It seems to me that in the deepest place of anxiety was born a feeling that has less fear and more resilience.

Perhaps because the theoretical fear of the dangers of the world was replaced by an actual confrontation with the here and now.

I even managed to laugh with the technician about the design choice to draw a sky above the mammogram machine.

You watch the clouds and shades of blue while your demon is outside between two cold plates.

Is this what should calm me down?

An anxious woman may still see this as a sign that heaven is closer than ever.

When I finished the test I asked if it was possible to take a selfie with the device, she said it was the first time someone had asked for such a thing.

The mammogram came out clean, as did the ultrasound, but it was still decided that a biopsy was required because of the annoying glandular glomerulation.

The biopsy was scheduled for the end of July and I had two months to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty.

What is anxiety?

I turned to the wisdom of the masses on Facebook and asked for a personal interpretation of the word anxiety.

Many people responded to the post.

Some wrote "pressure", "lack of control", "chest pains", "lack of breath", some simply wrote: "children" or "missiles".

I continued to find out and wrote WhatsApp to people close to me, who know me and therefore are not surprised when I send a message with a strange question.

I asked if they defined me as anxious.

Most of the answers were: "Yes".

Some wrote "Of course it is!".

Tali wrote that I am anxious but brave.

Shira wrote to me: "If I compare you to me, you're more anxious. When the girl's leg really swells up from a sting, I'll wait a moment, and you'll already be on call after a round of consultations and long voicemails with the best experts."

she is right.

Leon wrote that there are areas in which I lack anxiety, such as regarding standing in front of an audience or regarding what will be thought of me, on the other hand I am anxious above average regarding health matters and actions that involve danger.

He's right, I don't walk around alone after dark, not even in the neighborhood.

Does that mean I'm anxious or cautious?

to precede anxiety to Mecca

The phrase "it will be fine" stresses me out.

is very.

In my opinion, there are two types of users of this expression: those who answer this way to convey optimism and to reassure, and those who really believe that things always work out for the best, even without special effort.

I feel judgmental and jealous at the same time towards those who are not pressured by the factual data regarding disasters, causes of diseases and dangers.

I won't deny that I invest energy, time and money in an effort to keep dangers away as much as I can: eat food rich in vitamins to strengthen the immune system, exercise to strengthen the muscles and bones, make sure to use sunscreen, keep a mobile phone away from the bedroom, visit the dermatologist to check for moles, perform blood tests, Pap tests , checking which accounts the girls follow on the networks, and many other actions that could fill the entire newspaper and not just the magazine - all for the sake of it being as orderly as possible, in the face of the threats that attack from all sides.

The preventive actions do not eliminate the anxiety, but they do provide a partial sense of control, because action is an effective way of coping, at least for me, with the knowledge that we have no control over almost anything.

But is my activity a sign of being anxious or proactive?

Anxieties as usual

During these two months, ironically, I was able to continue my life almost as usual: we went on a family vacation, I submitted the daily program, lectures around the country, I cooked, I walked the dogs, I scolded the girls for always being on their cell phones, Leon and I fought and made up, I recorded podcasts and even started write this column.

But alongside the function there were other thoughts and feelings and behaviors: the desire to shop, for example, increased greatly.

I bought a new iPhone (even though I've been on Android all these years), I bought a tablet on a spur of the moment decision, shoes and clothes, and all kinds of crap with express owners.

There was a difference between the shopping in these two months and the shopping in other periods: the constant feeling of guilt that accompanies me when I don't follow the strict rules I set for myself, has almost completely disappeared.

almost.

Thank God, there is still enough of it, but my psychologist says I am on the right path.

It may be a compensatory reaction to the anxiety I felt deep inside, maybe it was a suppression mechanism that worked to soften the pain and fear, and it's possible that when the uncertainty becomes concrete, you're less busy feeling guilty - and more about feeling life.

Tell me if something bothers you

On 27.7 in the morning I came for an examination.

The staff expressed genuine concern for my well-being and explained each step: enter the device, feel cold, a bit of a sting, tell me if anything bothers you.

The practical Paula wanted to say that it doesn't matter at all if something hurts or disturbs, the main thing is that we finish and get soothing answers.

But the new part of me that grew in the last two months, decided to stay with the anxiety instead of finding justifications, excuses or refutations for it.

The nurse repeatedly emphasized that I should not exert myself during the week and lift heavy things, so that the stitches do not open.

I think this is the first time I haven't tried to prove that I can.

When I came back from the supermarket, the new part of me called and said: "The bags are in the car, I can't pick them up because of the biopsy, please come."

On 3.8 at 12:08, I received a call from my doctor that marked months of anxiety.

"Hello Paula, this is Naomi. I called to tell you that everything is fine."

I stood in the stairwell, leaned against the wall and let out all the air.

In the following days I tried to internalize and be happy.

It took me a while to get used to that anxiety being over.

In the meantime, the "Dawn" operation began, and helped me release that anxiety in favor of something else.

Am I anxious?

I still don't have an answer.

One picture, a thousand feelings.

The theoretical anxiety became concrete, and I had to at that very moment, between the anxiety and the uncertainty, to trust and let go.

and then - to wait,

do it to me

I would like to recommend a YouTube channel called AW, which contains parts of the lectures of the philosopher Dr. Alan Watts. Unlike other content found on YouTube related to Watts, on this channel the films are accompanied by Hebrew subtitles. Watts was one of the first to spread Eastern philosophy in the West. He is one of their ancestors of the Western gurus, mentors and guides of consciousness.

I transcribed a nice section from the lecture called "Who am I":

"If you take a beautiful, aesthetically pleasing piece of fabric, it looks like it was made in perfect order and symmetry. But then, if you take a microscope and zoom in more and more, you'll eventually find that same piece of fabric is made up of separate threads. The further you zoom in, the more you'll reach a certain point where you can no longer see the pattern of the fabric, but only a tangle of threads without order, complete chaos. The ordinary, everyday eye will only be able to see the beautiful fabric, the magnification will expose you to the chaos. But even the chaos will be replaced by a masterful order again, when you enlarge further and reach the fantastic structure of the molecules of the material, which has They have their own internal order. Chaos and order are intertwined in different layers of our lives. We are wrong to think that they are opposites, but they are actually two parts of one thing, which depend on each other. There is no order without chaos - and vice versa."

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