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The turn for love: this is the most important sign to understand if your relationship will succeed Israel today

2022-08-12T14:33:50.791Z


Dr. Liat Yakir, biologist and ex-husband, wrote the book "A Brief History of Love" (Keter Publishing) • In an interview, she explains why there is no such thing as love at first sight • Why she ends her lectures with a hymn to monogamy • And discovers what our chances are of finding the "The One" • Special to the 12th of Av


Dr. Liat Yakir is a


biologist


who lectures and studies the biology of emotions and behavior. She holds a doctorate and a postdoctorate from the Weizmann Institute of Science in the field of genetics and hormone research. She participated in the panel of experts in the program "Wedding at First Sight" and is the author of the book "A Brief History of Love" (Keter Publishing)

***

Dr. Liat Yakir, against the background of Tu Bab our conversation will deal - of course - with love, against the background of your fascinating occupation and also your personal story, which to a large extent led you to deal with the biology of emotions and human behavior.

"I grew up in this legend of 'the one'. At school I had no romantic experiences, and I married at the age of 20 the first guy I fell in love with in the army. This is the love model I learned at home. Today I know that the falling in love stage can last from six hours to two years, and on average a year, indeed - After a year of marriage the reality seemed different to me and finally it ended after about two years.

"Later, I devoted a lot of time to research, and I decided to travel late on a big trip to India and Nepal. I fell in love there with a guy who was completely different from me, we returned to Israel and got married. I was 28 years old. We were married for about five years, but even there - after falling in love came life itself, and the differences between us did not play in our favor .

"After my first daughter was born, I slowly moved into the field of scientific education and its accessibility to the public, with an emphasis on love. I heard about many stories of friends who got divorced - and each time the story was the same: great love and a high degree of compatibility - which gradually faded, to the point of shock and divorce. That's how I set out on a journey of the study of love and emotions".

From the things you say, it appears that you fall in love quite quickly, which is of course related to the love hormone - oxytocin.

People will do anything for a few more drops of it.


"From the point of view of the brain, falling in love is a type of addiction. As mammals, we need oxytocin in a very strong way for survival. We do not survive alone, on our own merits - and therefore we are addicted to friends, people, compliments, praises.

"You can get addicted to fights because they also contain oxytocin. We are addicted to connection, in any form. Furthermore, the relationship of couples who fight effectively is ten times more stable. They don't hold back, and can be authentic. A relationship can also mean living between fights."

"When we cried as babies, they held us in their hands, rocked and caressed our backs, thereby also shaking the vagus nerve, the nerve of relaxation, which resulted in the secretion of oxytocin currents. Oxytocin calms us as babies, and in later stages of life - this calmer becomes the marital partner. This includes negative things as well."

Some couples are addicted to fights, for example.

"Arguments also have oxytocin. As absurd as it may sound - we are addicted to connection, in any form. In addition, the relationship of couples who argue effectively is 10 times more stable. That is, they do not need to keep things in their stomachs, and can be authentic, without humiliating or hurting the other party "A relationship can also be a life between fights."

In your book, "A Brief History of Love" (Keter Publishing), you recommend a naked fight.

"With the bonobo monkeys, the dwarf chimpanzees, every fight ends in mutual pleasure and reconciliatory sex. The problem is that sometimes the cortisol of the fight, the stress hormone, suppresses the libido. But when many are naked, the level of oxytocin and serotonin increases immediately, and the fight is expected to be calmer."

In what other ways can oxytocin be produced, thus preserving love and the relationship over time?

The last chapter of your book deals with the natural prescription for preserving the relationship.


"Look deeply into the eyes. The eyes are a window to the emotional brain and the gaze causes the immediate release of oxytocin and the activation of the vagus nerve; holding hands - an action that also causes the release of oxytocin. Especially when the partner is stressed or in pain - give hands. The recommended grip is interlaced fingers; caresses and touch; hugs of 20 seconds - at least in the morning and in the evening; of course also compliments, smiles, laughter and listening; and dancing together. In general, I believe that every couple should receive a voucher from the state for couples therapy every now and then. This happens in some Scandinavian countries.

"By the way, satisfaction with each individual's life has the greatest influence on a person's success in a relationship. When we feel good about ourselves, at work, it affects the relationship - and vice versa. This result came up in the research, and it is interesting: first of all, take care of your self-worth and your emotional state."

Let's talk about section 12, page 161 of the book. 21 orgasms in a month.


"Sexual relations are very important in strengthening the marital relationship.

During an orgasm, the highest level of the love hormone is released, and the number of orgasms directly affects the strength of the relationship.

Researchers have shown that to completely prevent the risk of getting prostate cancer, men need 21 orgasms a month because of the structure of the male reproductive system, which is also the reason why men think about sex on average five times more per day than women.

Orgasms are also very important for a woman's well-being and health."

The future: Commitment on Tinder?

Some people are unable to fall in love.

We've seen a few of them throughout the seasons of Wedding at First Sight.

What are the reasons for this?


"Both those who fall in love easily and those who do not, fall into the category of an insecure attachment style - anxious or avoidant. The avoidants - those babies and children who are characterized by restraint, coldness and indifference when parting from a parent, will in adulthood develop a tendency for short and casual relationships, which are not deeply intimate, and they will call themselves 'Don't fall in love'.

"The ultra-orthodox clung to their parents as children and tried to prevent separation. In adulthood, they will feel a fear of abandonment, and we will meet them in marital systems where they fall in love quickly. They will also be more demanding and dependent. Our initial relationships at home, the way we were exposed to oxytocin, have a huge effect on the wiring of neurons in the brain , which will shape our relationships later in life. There we learn what love is.

"On the biological level, some people suffer from the phenomenon of overproduction of oxytocin and fall in love quickly. This is a rare genetic syndrome called Williams syndrome: those children and people who bond with each other. At the other end, a lack of oxytocin production may belong to the autistic spectrum. This substance governs our social relationships."

Appropriate character traits.

Hagar and Nir, married, photo: Nir Pekin

Is it possible to change the communication style?


"It is possible, but it requires awareness, treatment. If we don't link between attachment experiences in our childhood and the things that happen to us in the present - then we will go between relationships, and the patterns will not change. Tragically, anxious people are attracted to those who avoid them - and this may end in tears. The solution to our anxieties within a relationship is To be with a person who has a secure attachment style, who knows how to regulate emotions. Through the security he gives us in love, we learn to behave accordingly."

Either way, even if we found a perfect psychological-emotional match, biology is against us.


"Yes. The attraction will decrease over time. Even when everything is perfect at the beginning and lasts for years, our genes push for sexual diversity. That's why cheating is so common. This is where the Coolidge effect, the sexual saturation effect, comes into play. It's an ancient and strong wiring in our brains, which is probably responsible for about half of heartbreaks in the world. A family is a safe thing, with routine and security - which turn off sexual drive. But biology allows us to create a discourse and put aside the frustration, shame and guilt, and communicate them to each other. Of course, in the end it's everyone and their biology. For me, for example, I'm good in a stable and safe relationship I end my lectures with a song of praise for monogamy. Even though I've been divorced twice - I'm in a wonderful relationship today."

Isn't it a little absurd that a researcher like you, who understands our biological Achilles heel, praises staying faithful to one and only one partner?


"It's wonderful in my eyes to stay with the same person all our lives, and yes - I believe that we are serial monogamists, because the amount of our emotional needs is enormous. The sexual need is there, but the emotional aspect is no less important. We live in high stress with constant worry and disturbing thinking about the future, and we need a friend A real person by our side who will accept us as we are. On the other hand, sex without attachment may be boring and may not satisfy more extensive needs over time."

On the assumption that no-strings-attached sex is boring, do you see between the lines that casual dating apps should disappear?


"I don't think that such apps will disappear so quickly because they meet the need for quick sex, and are also relevant for creating long-term relationships. There are people who got married through Tinder, yes? I hope that over the years apps like Tinder will create new algorithms that will try to help people commit to each other Either way, even in the world of non-stop dating there are difficulties, as well as in a relationship with one person for life."

"My lectures end with a song in praise of monogamy. The alternative is more and more dates, but each date destroys the chance of matching on the next date. When the brain experiences so many disappointments, even if the prince of dreams arrives on the 300th date, the brain will not recognize it. It is geared towards the negative."

And so we also see quite a few betrayals, which you referred to earlier.

The data speaks for every second couple.

What distinguishes the 50 percent of the population who do not cheat?


"The numbers do repeat themselves - 55-50 percent, there is almost no difference between men and women. In anonymous surveys, when people are asked, 'If you were never caught, would you cheat?'

Here the numbers are higher: 85 percent say they would try, or check it out. That is, the urge is there. Sex is an extremely powerful energy. Sexual desire gives a burst of hormones - adrenaline, testosterone, oxytocin and other endorphins.

"But the most important decision in life, in my eyes, that will have the greatest impact on our level of happiness, is with whom we have children. Unfortunately, this is an investment in which we invest too little and go with our hearts and guts, which will usually lead us to very pleasant places emotionally in the short term, but Not necessarily in the long run."

Every fight ends in physical reconciliation.

Chimpanzee Nancy, photo: Wikipedia

But in love it's hard for us to think rationally.


"Exactly. That's why I say - there is no love at first sight, there is sexual attraction at first sight. Sexual attraction causes the secretion of strong substances, which produce a feeling of excitement and falling in love to the point of brides. The emotional mind is in conflict with the rational mind, and many times it wins. Many of the people would understand this Already at a young age - they would change their lives."

The secret: understand who you are

As a former judge in Hatunami, I have to ask: Did you see Hagar and Nir's biological or psychological compatibility beyond normal?


"Not in an unusual way, but we were of the same opinion about them - a couple with similar status and education, and we realized that Nir's character traits could contain many aspects of Hagar's personality traits. She experienced quite a few disappointments, and he knew how to give a classic safe attachment style. It's exciting to see them together" .

You were sure that Elad Verli from the first season would be a great success.


"Not only me, there was unanimity among all the judges. They are from the same village, with many similarities. But there was the opposite case - they did not want the same village. I was wrong, and therefore I had difficulty with the format for a long time, because in some ways, in my eyes , it's a kind of human experiment."

Is that why you left?


"People go through a personality-therapeutic process in the program. What you see on camera is nothing. There are also friendships that are formed, not just official couples. But I felt that it was not an exact science, and after a while it felt pretentious to me."

What did you think of a wedding investigation published in "Israel Hayom"?


"I didn't feel in any way that they were trying to influence me. They asked me for my opinion as an expert, and that's what I did. In my experience, they wanted us to make the best adjustments, but of course they didn't promise us that everything we said would be done. I wasn't exposed in any way to further considerations."

"The chance of finding 'the one' is 1 in 562. In the end, it's about the ability to compromise. You have to remember that the 'one' at the age of 25 is not necessarily the 'one' at the age of 50. In my eyes, the best indicator of the success of a relationship is how you feel in your stomach with your partner the second. if this person makes me calm"

It can be said that your occupation today is not very different from mine.

Establishing a start-up in the field.


"We are in the fundraising phase, and want to create an algorithm that will connect biology and psychology; an artificial intelligence that will combine all existing knowledge on the subject of science, love, personality and looks. Today, you can enter into people's brain activity and understand what they are attracted to. The alternative is more and more dates, and we know Today, every date destroys the chance of a match on the next date. When the brain experiences so many disappointments, even if the prince of dreams arrives on the 300th date - the brain will not recognize it. The brain is already tuned to look for the negative. So this venture will be a bit like my wedding, only without the cameras , and without forcing people to be in a relationship for five weeks."

In conclusion, let's talk about the "one" myth with which we opened the conversation.

According to a study conducted in England, our chance of finding him is one in 562.


"In other words, the chance tends to zero. In the end, it's about the ability to compromise. We have to remember that we change too - and the 'one' at the age of 25 is not necessarily the 'one' at the age of 50. By the way, at the age of three, the odds increase in our favor, and stand at 1 to 304 The secret is to first understand who I am, because research shows that the more similar people are in their personality traits, but not the same, the greater the chances of success for a good and long relationship. Opposites attract sexually, but don't stay for long.

"Furthermore, in my eyes, the best indicator of the success of a relationship is how you feel in your stomach in the company of the other party. If this person makes me calm down when we are together. In the end, this is what predicts if this is our safe place, home." 


For suggestions and comments: Ranp@israelhayom.co.il

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Source: israelhayom

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