What to do if I think my child is a victim of bullying?

If there is something that characterizes bullying, it is that, regardless of the figures, it is not limited or stopped at the walls of the school.

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It is already multiplatform because, in addition to what happened in its facilities, what happens later on social networks, outside of school hours and far from the reach of teachers and, many times, families.

The threat is not trivial: the increase in the use of digital devices has resulted in a significant growth in cyberbullying on social networks such as WhatsApp, Instagram or Tik Tok, to the point of accounting for 22.6% of this type of aggression .

The age of access to these terminals does not help either: minors use their own mobile, on average, at 12 years old and with little parental supervision, according to the data offered by the

of the Anar Foundation and the Mutua Madrileña Foundation.

From the perception of the students, it can be deduced that bullying still affects 15.2% of minors.

Other percentages are also relevant: one in five students admits having been able to participate in a case of bullying or cyberbullying without realizing it, while, of the cases detected, almost half were not resolved, and even 17% of students think that the center did nothing to solve it.

Teachers, for their part, point to the lack of resources (78.8%) and training (51%) in the teaching staff, as well as the difficulty in differentiating bullying from other coexistence problems as the most relevant barriers when it comes to to intervene in the centers.

"The first thing we must do is distinguish bullying from what it is not, because it is true that children fight and sometimes hurt each other if they play rough, have unwanted behavior and disrespect each other," says the child psychologist Silvia Alava.

"When we talk about harassment, there must be an intention to harm in a completely intentional, deliberate and continuous way, and that it is always directed at the same student".

And that there is also an imbalance of power between the harasser and the harassed, that they feel inferior to the other and that they see how the situation of harassment seriously affects their self-esteem.

The most frequent types of aggression, according to the Anar report, are insults, nicknames or ridicule (86.3%);

spreading rumors (46.9%);

the pushes or collejas (45.3%);

isolation (44.9%), blows and kicks (38%);

1. Prevention

Acting against bullying necessarily begins with prevention and, therefore, any preventive action must encompass the entire school community, from the classroom climate to that of the entire school and even families.

And do it without forgetting that talking about harassment is talking about the victim, but also about the harasser and the rest of his classmates, who often adopt the role of silent witnesses in the face of aggression.

For this reason, the first factor that must be worked on is respect: “One of the problems with bullying is that it does not only involve one child bullying another;

there are also the colleagues who see him and say nothing or even reinforce him, applauding him from behind”, explains Álava.

At the first sign of disrespect in the classroom, he says, it is necessary for the affected student to be able to stop it;

that the companions can also stop it;

and, if necessary, tell the responsible adult in the classroom.

“We have to think that most bullying is covert, because it happens behind the backs of adults,” he adds.

But prevention is a process that must begin at home, working on the autonomy, assertiveness and emotional intelligence of children from a very early age, "so that they are able to say what they want, think, desire or think, but without imposing it;

and that they don't remain silent or inhibited either”, recommends Álava.

This will not only help reduce casualties;

it will also cause fewer stalkers to emerge.

Now, how to work on that assertiveness at the family level?

“The first thing to do is create a climate of trust, where children dare to share what is happening at school.

They have to feel heard at home, and that they see that their family cares about what is happening and that they are going to listen to them.

And that implies creating spaces where to talk”, she adds.

It is often said that you have to lead by example, and this is more true here than ever.

The model that children have at home will directly influence their future behavior, because they tend to copy their reference adults: their father and mother, their teacher... And if we want them to be assertive, it is important that their parents are too.

“But if I am a person who tends to disrespect, and I speak disparagingly since I turn on the TV, what happens?

That my son or daughter will think that this is normal, ”explains Álava.

And beware of overprotection: minors raised with an overprotective educational style are more likely to end up being victims of bullying.

How to act with respect to social networks?

It is important not to make the mistake of rejecting them, because the digital environment is an essential part of their lives that we cannot pretend to ignore.

But, to avoid the abuse of them, “what we can do is, from a young age, accompany them in their correct use.

Depending on your age, put a time limitation;

and at first we will have to sit next to him, see what pages and social networks he gets into and what kind of comments he is leaving, so that they learn that respect and tolerance must also be present on the internet.

2. Detection

What factors can indicate the presence of bullying?

Although there are many individual differences, it is clear that

will always be a tremendously distressing and anxious situation for the minor, and that will transpire in her behavior.

“We are going to see many symptoms of anxiety: from being told in the morning that their head or stomach hurts (that is, somatic pain), even vomiting, to experiencing changes in habits, such as not wanting to go to the school or take the school route or insist that you accompany them.

Or when, for example, there is a school trip and they make excuses not to go”, argues the psychologist.

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Changes of a very diverse nature can also occur, ranging from character to eating or sleeping habits.

“You may, for example, be more irritable, more withdrawn, more anxious or sadder;

that suddenly he has fits of rage or that he bursts into tears, but that when you ask him, he makes excuses and says that nothing is happening”, Álava reels.

It may happen that, at night, it is difficult for you to fall asleep, and that during the day there is excessive sleepiness;

who experience changes in appetite, either due to excessive sleepiness or because, on the contrary, they eat with too much anxiety;

or to be more distracted, forgetful or with low security and self-esteem.

"And we can even observe aggressive behavior at home with younger siblings, where they reproduce that type of behavior,"

3. How to act in case of harassment

First of all, do not waste time assigning guilt: neither to you as a father or mother, nor to the child or adolescent.

This is not the time to blame, but to listen and have open communication.

“That is to say: tell me what has happened.

Try to ask as open questions as possible;

not closed, so they can hear you and count you.

It is time to validate their emotions, not to give solutions.

And in that 'I listen to you', I listen to you and I ask you how you feel today;

I understand that you are frustrated;

I understand that you are angry;

I understand that you are sad and that you are afraid... The last thing you need is for us to yell at you or for us to tell you what you have to do, because surely you are not in a position to do anything”, Álava reveals.

Ultimately, it is about generating a climate of trust.

The next step, continues the psychologist, would be to get in immediate contact with the school and request the help of the teachers: “You have to maintain fluid contact with the school or institute, so that they tell us what is going to be done or is going to be done. is doing.

And, in parallel, it would also be good to ask for outside help to help you be more assertive.

Teach him to defend himself, but not from aggressiveness or violence, but from 'I'll stop you' or 'I'm capable of telling you that I don't like this', and that he can even, at a certain moment, ignore the harasser: 'If the aggression is making you angry and itchy, teach him to ask for help and talk to the school”.

And, finally, try to open his circle of friends, or at least favor other contacts beyond that environment through extracurricular activities, the neighborhood...

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