Upbringing: Parents often give false praise to their children, therapist warns

Created: 08/13/2022, 08:00

By: Judith Brown

“Praise is like fertilizer – a nice addition”: Instead of praise, according to a psychologist, children primarily need time, attention and tenderness from their parents.

Children want to be seen by their parents and therefore crave their attention and approval.

Therefore, it often happens that parents praise their child in any situation.

Be it on the playground, doing handicrafts or doing homework: sentences like "You did a great job" or "Great", "Great", "Great" are part of the daily upbringing in many families.

However, excessive praise can also be harmful to children.

For example, the little ones can develop fears.

A psychologist and family therapist explains which mistakes parents should avoid when giving praise.

Parenting: Parents often give false praise to their children

Over-the-top praise is not necessarily good for children.

However, it is not the amount that matters, but the type of praise.

(Iconic image) © Sigrid Olsson/IMAGO

according to dr

Johanna Graf, psychologist and co-founder of the Institute for Strengthening Educational Competence, it is not the amount that matters, but the type of praise.

In an interview with Die

she explains that parents don't praise too much, but often only give the wrong kind of praise.

For example, if a child comes home with a good grade and talks about it beaming with joy, you often give praise to confirm it.

"But what happens if the kid gets a C in the next assignment?" Graf says, adding, "Over-the-top praise and praise that's related to the person's ability - you're good at math (or you are not) – does not lead to an exaggerated sense of self-esteem in most people, but to an enormous pressure of expectations.” A poorer grade from children is often regarded as a personal failure, which, similar to the upbringing of so-called lawnmower parents, may lead to panic and excessive demands can.

It is therefore better to praise the effort and effort of the child and thus strengthen their self-confidence.

For example, a suitable sentence would be: "I'm happy for you, I saw how much you practiced." In this way, children could learn to grow with challenges, which in turn contributes to the development of their independence.

This is also often damaged by the upbringing of lawn mower parents, as they want to remove all obstacles from their offspring's path.

Which, according to family therapist Anette Frankenberger, can turn children into "dependent tyrants".

But how can parents react appropriately if, for example, a child is standing on the slide in the playground and calls out "Mom, look!"

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praise children?

Parents should be happy with them - eye contact is enough for that

In such situations, praise is not necessary at all, Graf emphasizes: "A child of that age is probably just proud that he climbed up there alone and wants to share that with you.

What it needs from you is attention.” The psychologist therefore advises just looking the child in the eye and being happy with it.

Children then notice the joy of the parents through the look and body language, which increases their own joy even more.

If you still want to say something about it, you should describe the child's feelings that they are not yet able to express themselves, or what they are seeing.

This could be done with phrases like "Hey, you're way up!" or "Now you can look down on me!".

The psychologist believes that the widespread school practice of praising children for positive behavior and pointing out or even punishing misbehavior is manipulation.

"In behaviorism it's called conditioning: there is a reward for desirable behavior and a punishment for undesirable behavior.

Like circus monkeys,” says Graf.

This works on the behavioral level.

However, with both approaches, the child is taught that the love of the parents is conditional.

Now the child is always trying to behave "right" so that it gets the love of its parents.

This in turn can have repercussions into adult life.

Instead of praise, children need time, attention and tenderness

Instead of praising, Graf therefore recommends getting down to the emotional level.

“Acknowledge yourself and your child, put into words what you and your child feel about you.” Parents should also convey to their children that – like a safe haven – they are there when they need something.

Otherwise, parents should give their offspring respect for their own personality and give them enough freedom to develop.

The parenting style of so-called panda parents, who offer their children a framework to develop freely, could serve as a model here.

It is therefore more important that parents are emotionally available and aware of what their child needs at the moment.

So, should parents give up praise altogether?

“Praise is like fertilizer – a nice addition.

But young plants need good soil, sun and water to thrive,” says the therapist.

For children, this means that above all they need time, attention and tenderness from their parents.

The primary goal of parenthood is therefore "to love your child unconditionally and to express that, to treat them warmly, regardless of whether they behave well or badly." Experts pay attention to precision, honesty and credibility.

This article only contains general information on the respective health topic and is therefore not intended for self-diagnosis, treatment or medication.

In no way does it replace a visit to the doctor.

Unfortunately, our editors are not allowed to answer individual questions about clinical pictures.