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Symptoms: Guilty, tired, and meeting only douchebags?

This is the diagnosis

Do you have a Mother Teresa complex?

If you find yourself managing "projects" instead of a love life, if every guy you date is a disaster and you are convinced that your love will save him from himself - the answer is yes.

On the occasion of the 25th anniversary of Mother Teresa's death, it is time to understand and let go

Anat Nissani

04/09/2022

04/09/2022

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Exactly 25 years ago today, Mother Teresa passed away: the woman who became a symbol of giving and altruism, who received the Nobel Peace Prize, was declared blessed by Pope John Paul II 6 years after her death, and 13 years later received a degree of sainthood from Pope Francis.

But it turns out that no man is perfect and that even Mother Teresa had a dark side.

Her extreme views against abortion and divorce, which she called to be outlawed, were already revealed in the letters she wrote over the years (and were published even though she asked to shelve them because, as mentioned, no one is perfect, including those who took care of her estate).

In recent years, testimonies of nuns from her order have begun to emerge, revealing a lifestyle that resembles the conduct of a cult and includes poor nutrition, sleep deprivation, denial of freedom of choice and access to information from the outside, creation of financial dependence, silencing of sexual assaults, and more.

Some also claimed that she was close to dubious types such as dictators and criminals and that she even kept some of the donations she received to finance her humanitarian activities.

But what are all these horrors compared to the phenomenon it introduced into our lives, a syndrome that so many women, including me, know personally: the Mother Teresa complex.

This is an unofficial name for the phenomenon better known as the Savior Complex, or The Savior Complex.

In men it is sometimes seen as the "knight on the white horse syndrome" - the man with the uncontrollable need to save the girl.

By the same token, women with a Mother Teresa complex will always feel the need to save the man by their side.

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Both sexes, by the way, are not always interested in whether the other party really wants their help, and here, just like in life, the dark side of dear Mother Teresa comes in again.

Because giving, with all the self-satisfaction in it, does not really help the receiving party if he is not interested in it, and as a result many times also comes at the expense of the giver.

This can be expressed in the fact that we attract the wrong people into our lives, stay in unsuitable relationships and generally give up ourselves for the benefit of others.

On the occasion of the anniversary of Mother Teresa's death, it is time to also send the complex named after her to eternal rest.

For the benefit of the cause, I recruited Adi Drori - actress, creator, singer, comedian and translator, whom I met through an episode of the podcast (funny and interesting - recommend!) where she was a guest: Tal Zolti's TALK OFF SHAME - she is also an actress, comedian and "relationship research enthusiast" , as defined.

The episode in question is called "Mother Teresa's Doshim Detector", it was recorded a little over two years ago and it includes quite a few insights into the complex, and even some advantages that come with it, such as the ability that Adi developed, to detect doshim from a distance.

But before we understand how to benefit from it, let's first talk about how to identify it.

Test yourself: Do you also have a Mother Teresa complex?

• To understand if you also have a small and destructive Mother Teresa hidden in you, answer the following questions:

• 1. Do you feel that you sacrifice more than the other party?

  Do you give more than you get back?

• 2. Do you have the feeling that you are taken for granted?

• 3. Do you feel drained and tired?

• 4. Do you tend to solve problems or give advice to others even if you were not asked to do it?

• 5. Is your sense of self-worth greatly influenced by the feedback of others?

• 6. Do you feel guilty if you spend time only for yourself?

• If you answered "yes" to most of the questions, you already know what the answer is.

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When "not enough" becomes "too much"

Adi, 35 years old, single, has separated from the Mother Teresa in her in recent years, but admits that it takes work.

"After I crossed the age of 30, when I've been quite single for a few years, including periods in Tel Aviv of being a bit debauched and all kinds of short and not the most healthy relationships," she says, "I tried to understand what kind of men I attract to me, what characterizes the relationships Mine and why they don't manage to mature into a relationship. I noticed this theme of being very, very inclusive, taking under my wing, in some place, the men I date, sometimes at the expense of personal boundaries or inclusion for myself. So after I got out of such bad relationships that also took I had some time to recover from them, I tried to understand what I was doing so that the next relationship wouldn't be like this, and the answer was to start looking at what I want and need in a relationship, and see if the person matches that or not."

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A post shared by Adi Drori (@adidrori66)

If you first look at what you want sounds trivial to you, you probably don't suffer from the savior complex, and likewise if you don't understand what can be wrong with giving.

Without a doubt, when giving is done from a balanced place it is wonderful. Our "complex" also comes along the way A group with great qualities such as love for others, a desire to help, openness, and the ability to embrace. But alongside all of these, at the core of every Mother Teresa there is some kind of lack that makes her feel that she herself is not enough, that she has to go out of her way to earn love, and only if she is needed - It really has value.

From this place, giving becomes satisfying and, absurdly, these are also exactly the places where you, who always feel that you are "not enough", become "too much". Too good, too devoted, too quickly expecting or Reaches great intimacy and also too much takes control and leadership of the relationship, especially with men who for their own reasons (depression, passivity, laziness, childishness, you nim it) are looking for someone to manage them.

"I can tell you about things I did in relationships," says Adi when I ask how Mother Teresa expresses herself in a relationship.

"Someone asked me to read him a diary, and then of course I couldn't help but bring up the things I read in the conversation, I made a list of tasks for the men I went out with, task applications, I polished up their resumes, I'm also a translator so I often do English polish as well, really one of my best services. Coaching, endless emotional support. I once had a breakup where we sat and talked and suddenly I realize what's going on and say to him: I'm not doing emotional support with you now on how to break up with me. Like, what's the purpose of the meeting? To contain you? I'm not available for that because you just dumped me in a horrifying way."

"That's the mind pack in this syndrome," she continues, "when you only sympathize and understand the other side all the time, you don't take the time to understand your side of the situation. All your frequency with yourself drops to second place, becoming something that deserves to be overcome for someone else. A place Of automatically containing things that are not true for you or giving justification for everything from a place that understands the other side, when in fact you are not supposed to justify it, this is not something reasonable that happens between human beings."

The fact that you stay in relationships that don't do you good, with men who don't do you good, begins to be attracted from the beginning to men who need "rescue", who are in crisis or who need a reset on their own lives, for all the reasons I already mentioned above and more.

Spoiler: you'll never really be able to save him, and it's really not your job either (and anyway if he's in such a problematic situation right now, he won't have any ability to contain the relationship with you).

But as far as you are concerned - he needs you, only you see who he really is, and only you can help him.

And what about the benefit that can be derived from the complex?

Let's say that when you are mainly attracted to men who are not good for you, in the end you manage to understand exactly who you should stay away from.

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A post shared by Adi Drori (@adidrori66)

Does that sound familiar to you?

Because to me it really reminds me of the need that almost every woman has, at least up to a certain age, to "domesticate" the flyer on duty.

To be the one to make the man who avoids commitment the most - settle down.

Why?

Because it makes her the unit that succeeded.

For women with the "Mother Teresa" complex, it's exactly the same, only with more effort, because you don't believe that just being you is enough to tame him.

But if you are the only one who will be able to help him?

Sister, he is yours.

To tell you that the comparison I made here is an established and scientifically proven theory?

she does not.

But what I can guarantee is that both the need to house and the need to save weaken over time.

In the end, you just get tired of working so hard, and as Adi says, it's not fair - neither to yourself nor to the other party:

"It's infinite. You can contain everything and want to save everyone, the question is whether in a relationship my goal is to try to save the other person. There is also a degree of not seeing yourself to the end and not seeing him to the end. Who said he wants you This? These are assumptions you make. I, for example, often feel that I recognize people with a kind of spider sense, because as a very sensitive person I am constantly taking in data. It sometimes creates such a feeling that I can understand him more than he can understand himself. So no . It is enough for me to understand him like that. As he is comfortable giving in his consciousness and in his words and in his actions. It is not my place to go all the way behind the soul."

To get rid of the complex, as we have already said, you have to do work, but there are quite a few ways: therapy, meditation, inner work, anything that will allow you to listen and give space to your inner voice.

In addition, it is advisable to practice saying "no", without feeling obligated to make excuses - you are allowed to say "no" even without a reason.

You should also: take time for yourself and do activities that make you feel good, stop apologizing, try not to help or advise without being asked to do so, and stand behind the decisions you made, even if they go against the decision of your partner, friends or family.

"It's very difficult and there's also a great loneliness in it at first, especially when it's in front of a group. It's suddenly just an individual in the world. But the bride always has to come with boundaries, otherwise you're not really inclusive. I have much more ability to help a person when I'm not just a container and not only You are drawn to identify with his place, because it really draws from you. So I just need to be a clearer container. Let's say the size of a glass. That's it. I can't go beyond that. There's no room. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a pitcher."

Adi concludes.

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