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A psychologist points out the seven signs of a narcissistic father: "It is a toxic way of educating your children"

2022-09-07T13:00:50.651Z


Many parents find it difficult to allow their children to make themselves or meet their own needs. These are the main traits of a narcissist and tips to change.


By

Ramani Durvasula

-

CNBC

Good parenting requires empathy, compassion, and a willingness to make some of your needs secondary — essentially, many of the traits you wouldn't find in a narcissist.

But as a psychologist who studies the impacts of narcissism on family relationships, I have noticed that many narcissistic traits, such as grandiosity, superiority, and the belief that one is inherently deserving of privilege or special treatment, are on the rise.

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Narcissistic parenting is not about bragging on social media or imposing rigorous extracurricular activities on children.

It goes much further, and is one of the most toxic ways to raise your children.

Narcissistic parents have a hard time allowing their children to become their own person or to meet their own needs.

You may know a narcissistic parent and not be aware of it.

These are the most common signs:

1. They see their child as a source of validation.

Narcissists often brag about their children when they score the winning goal or get the big part in the school play.

You may see them constantly bragging online or bringing up their child's beauty or talent in conversation.

Unless it is about his son's achievements, the father is oblivious, distant, and uninterested in his son.

They are often ashamed of their child's need for connection or validation, and instead see them as a tool to fulfill those needs for themselves.

2. They are emotionally reactive, but are ashamed of their children's emotions

Narcissists tend to get angry and aggressive when they feel disappointed or frustrated.

If they think their child is being critical or challenging, they may lash out at him.

These reactions can take the form of yelling, sudden fits of anger or, in more severe cases, physical violence.

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Meanwhile, the emotions of others can make narcissistic people uncomfortable and they can feel contempt for them.

They may shame their child into not sharing her emotions at all with statements like, "Get over it, it wasn't that big of a deal" or "Stop crying and toughen up."

3. They always put their own needs first. 

Sometimes adults have to put real-world problems first: maybe a night shift can't be avoided, or housework takes up an entire afternoon.

But narcissistic parents expect their children to make sacrifices so that they can do or have what they want.

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For example, if the father likes sailing, then his children should go sailing every weekend.

Or if the father has a permanent tennis match, then the father will never be absent, even for something important like a graduation ceremony.

4. They have few limits

Narcissistic parents can be quite intrusive.

When they don't feel like it, they don't interact with the child.

But when they want the child to validate them, they may feel like they can interrupt their child and ask them to do what they want.

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They may ask probing questions or be critical of your child in a way that also feels intrusive, such as commenting on weight, appearance, or other attributes that make the child self-conscious.

5. They have favorites

Narcissistic parents maintain their power by triangulating, or playing favorites.

They may have a golden child who they flatter excessively, for example, while bad-mouthing another child in the family. 

This can make children feel uncomfortable, disloyal, and psychologically insecure.

They may believe that they need to humor or impress the narcissistic parent in order to avoid his wrath and maintain good standing in the family unit.

6. They shift the blame onto their children

Narcissists have a need to feel perfect, so they shirk responsibility for their own mistakes and blame their children.

They can be cruel when they feel criticized, and their comments often sting.

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Common refrains from narcissistic parents might go something like, "It's your fault I'm so tired" or "I could have had a great career if I didn't have to deal with you." 

Over time, children of narcissistic parents internalize these comments and begin to blame themselves, believing: "When I have needs, I make others feel or perform worse."

7. They expect the child to be the caregiver 

At a relatively young age, the message from a narcissistic parent is that their child has to take care of them.

This often extends into adulthood, where the narcissistic parent can be quite manipulative.

A common phrase might be: "I fed you and clothed you, so now you owe me."

Many narcissists expect their children to provide care and support for them later in life.

How to change the narcissistic tendencies of parents

If it is related to any of the above traits, don't worry.

We all have a certain level of self-involvement.

However, there are several strategies you can use to change your mindset and habits.

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First of all, don't give your child gas.

If they say, "You're always mad at me," don't tell them, "That's not true."

This will only confuse you more.

Instead, approach the child with empathy: “I'm so sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

How you feel?". 

Another strategy is to avoid forced forgiveness.

Forced forgiveness benefits the parent by sweeping her misbehavior under the rug, but only fosters self-blame and confusion in the child.

Let the child live the experience of it.

Finally, consider going to therapy;

is one of the best places to explore your attitudes and tendencies as a parent.

Ramani Durvasula is a psychologist, professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and founder of LUNA Education.

She is also the author of '

Don't You Know Who I Am: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility

' and '

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist

'.

Follow her on Twitter

@DoctorRamani

.

Source: telemundo

All news articles on 2022-09-07

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