How do we get rid of our obsession with our ex?

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The obsession with the ex often spills over into a fantasy about a perfect relationship that could have been - but in reality, even if you hadn't broken up, it wouldn't have looked like that.

Here is a way to wake up on yourself - and also a tarot card to help you

Sagi Mendelboim

08/09/2022

Thursday, 08 September 2022, 00:10 Updated: 00:30

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Do you have an obsession with X?

You are not alone (Photo: ShutterStock)

There is a recurring difficulty that my students bring up to me in courses time and time again - and not only them, but also their clients.

This is probably an epidemic, if not a global crisis - the X-obsession epidemic.

In this day and age, we don't just base ourselves on mythological exes that we've known for years, with whom we spent time and did everything together.

I wish that was the case, but no.

The obsession with the ex flows into a new area which is "a guy we could have been together but he disappeared", which let's face it - is much more serious.

why?

Because here we are wasting energy on a person with whom we didn't even share a real relationship, but only a broken promise of a relationship and in fact, even though the loss is fake - it robs us of a lot of time, reflections and a bad mood in general.

So how do you attack the problematic epidemic?

This time I want to approach it from a different angle, from the angle of the avatar.

I need you to flow with me for a moment about a concept that entered our lives from the field of computer games and social media.

When I talk about "Avatar" I don't mean the movie Avatar with the blue creatures - nor the series.

So what is an avatar?

In general, this is a character that represents us in the virtual space.

In a computer game we are represented by a character who is our avatar, but among us in this day and age our Facebook/Instagram profile is also completely an avatar and why?

Because it represents a certain part of us - the part we choose to present to the world - and based on which people imagine who we are on a daily basis.

If we think about it, people infer who we are based on the image we present in the media - the information, the pictures and the posts.

You should remember this - because soon it will become a personal matter that affects all of us.

You imagine a perfect reality with her - but reality is not perfect (Photo: ShutterStock)

For example, if we see a profile of a handsome guy who uploads funny posts, we don't necessarily know what he's going through.

It is possible that he suffers from depression, or that the beautiful picture he took in Paris was taken after a sleepless night?

And vice versa: when someone hardly posts and her profile looks boring - we don't know that she might be smart, quite happy and just so busy - that she doesn't have time to bother with Facebook/Instagram.

The truth is that this is how our brain works even with exes, dates and short acquaintances - our brain tends to complete the picture.

We do "fill in the blanks" with our thinking and many times this leads to real logical and emotional mistakes and also an escape from reality.

A student in my course, Ron (pseudonym), knew an amazing girl named Ortel.

She is intelligent, very talented and they also have a lot in common.

Both have cared for a sick parent at some point in their lives and regardless, both are fans of French cinema and can talk about the subject for hours.

He felt this was it.

The most "it" he had in his life.

Unfortunately, at some point she suddenly stopped communicating.

It was painful and confusing, so we tried to figure out if there was still a chance for the relationship to continue.

The central card, three of swords, revealed to us that probably not - but rather one of the side cards showed us what the desired "medicine" is to overcome Ortal.

The Prince of Cups card showed us that Ron's main problem right now is that he tends to "continue the connection" in his imagination, that he is a fantasist.

He still thinks how pleasant they will be together, what beautiful children they will have and how they will spend Friday-Saturday.

He actually inadvertently created an avatar of the perfect woman in his head based on Ortel's character.

With the same imaginary avatar, he continues to manage this relationship, continues to imagine the situations according to the same incredible criteria - without taking into account the fact that Ortel cut off suddenly and that this is also part of the whole of who she is.

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"Our mind tends to complete the picture" (Photo: ShutterStock)

Tarot - Prince of Cups card (photo: Walla! system, Walla)

That's the thing about avatars: they are often perfect, beautiful, cool and live in our heads.

They are actually an act of imagination and we can recognize them because they have no shortcomings - unlike humans.

After all, in practice, he has no idea if this is what a relationship with a woman who suddenly disappears without explaining why will look like.

Maybe on the weekend she will actually run away to some company and not answer the phone? Maybe she will promise him that she will move in with him and suddenly regret it at the last minute? This is not part of the perfect avatar that Ro created, and this is precisely the dose of reality that he needs right now to understand that the 'Ortel' in his head - no really real

When we understand the Tarot cards, we learn the complete set of each card and understand which part of it we must distill in each situation.

Suddenly the cards come to life and we don't see just a few limited features in them, but a tremendous abundance and a real personality.

We can weigh the pros and cons.

The Prince of Cups is an amazing, therapeutic and interesting card - and the downside of this prince is excessive pentosis and an inability to sometimes come down to the ground and return to reality.

Once he reflects our questioner, we can begin to identify his problem, the blind spot he doesn't notice - and we can begin to free him from misconceptions.

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• an obsession

• a relationship

• Tarot