Couples in the era of liquid love

Our grandparents got married and their marriage was for life.

Nor were there many other alternatives, not even legal ones.

The average number of years of relationships that our parents had far exceeds ours.

We now spend an average of 16.5 years in marriage, according to the latest statistics.

Our society has changed, even though our need to be loved remains the same.

Now we can access endless possibilities thanks to dating applications or activities that exist to meet people, regardless of age.

We are likely to remake our affective life in different models and without the need to get married.

We could say that we live in the era of liquid love, where novelty, passion and freedom have gained more strength than the search for stability, according to the metaphor of the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman.

This means that, in many cases, and especially if there are no children involved, it seems easier to break up with our partner than to fight for her.

However, despite all this social transformation, our deep desires remain similar.

A part of us continues to yearn for the quiet pleasure of security that routine provides, and another part of us yearns for novelty and change.

Therefore, we need to redefine the concept of a couple.

We are no longer worth what moved our grandparents or parents.

Society is different and we are also different.

We need to find “the balance between security and stability together with desire and passion”, advocates Núria Jorba in her manual, Imperfect and Happy Couples (Editorial Arpa, 2022).

And the starting point is clear: let's stop looking for the perfect or ideal partner.

Many people fall into the myth of affective relationships.

We have grown up with romantic stories and movies, which ended in the meeting of their protagonists, but rarely went further in time.

The couple begins when the infatuation ends, according to psychologist Arun Mansukhani.

When we fall in love, our brain generates a chemical cocktail that leads us to idealize the other person.

Dopamine, serotonin or endorphins, among others, lead us to unforgettable sensations, even addictive for more than one.

But they are not eternal.

When they plummet, the real reality opens up before us: the differences that made us curious are now sources of tension, which is aggravated in the society of liquid love.

The emptiness after falling in love can lead us to replace the person with another,

in order to relive past sensations.

Therefore, we need to understand that the playing field begins when the romantic love produced by chemistry is overcome and the love of a couple is awakened.

Another important aspect is to identify what we want, what type of relationship best suits us and what depends on us.

Joan Garriga, in her book Good love in the couple (Destiny, 2013), suggests that the best couples are those in which the relationship flows without great emotional turbulence or wear and tear.

To do this, Jorba proposes a personal reflection for those who have or not a partner, which consists of answering what we would like from the other person in three areas: their personal profile (that they like sports, that they are empathetic...), the dynamics that are generated (play sports every week, emotional conversations...) and how we would like to feel (safe, attracted...).

After completing this list, we need to reflect on what depends on us for what we want to happen.

Many times a passive role is acquired in relationships.

We long for the other person to act or that, by the mere fact of appearing in our lives, everything we seek happens by magic.

However, love is a decision, as Erich Fromm would say.

Building a healthy affective relationship means leaving the passive attitude to a more active one where we make the other person also want to be with us.

The above is only possible if we understand that a partner can be an important part of us, but it is not everything.

Or as Garriga said: "The couple can give you happiness, but they don't have the power to make you happy."

The latter depends on oneself, self-esteem and personal security, as well as our ability to regulate our emotions.

On this last point, Jordá suggests an interesting differentiation.

When faced with problems, we need a balance between self-regulation (putting on music, writing, going out to play sports...) and co-regulation (chatting with a friend, talking to your partner right after an argument to solve it...).

When we only rely on co-regulation or when we constantly need external support to address our problems, we have a greater tendency to emotional dependence, according to Jordá.

In other words, in the era of liquid love, learning to live with loneliness is a good recipe for being in a good relationship.

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