Couples alert: the post-holiday period is coming, the most dangerous for the survival of the relationship

The holidays, the most awaited moment of the year, the respite from the crushing day to day, the paradise that sneaks into our lives for a few brief moments, can be a deadly trap for ill-advised couples, who anesthetize their lives with work, the chat of parents of students, the social life and Netflix.

But when all these things momentarily go into the background, there is only an empty space that amplifies conflicts, deepens differences and winds up those grudges that refuse to turn the page.

Holidays are the test of cotton in which happy couples come out much stronger and sick couples return with war wounds.

Sometimes curable, sometimes not.

"In fact, there is a very old joke that says: 'Is the holiday good, or with the family?'" says Raúl González Castellanos, sexologist, educational psychologist and couples therapist at the A la Par therapeutic support office in Madrid.

“It is a difficult time, where the problems that were kept in the backpack come to light;

aggravated, sometimes, by living with the in-laws, which is always a delicate matter”.

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Tolerance for trouble or disaster is greatly reduced on vacation, where everything has to be perfect, like in Instagram photos.

It is as if, for a moment, we forgot that these images are, deep down, tricked out, have a filter and show only the least damaged part of ourselves.

But, in addition, as Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies points out, “some new vacation models encourage fights or conflicts.

For example, the fashion of caravans, with very little space, especially if you have children, or the case of a couple who came for a consultation.

They were around 40 years old, they had two small children and they separated the tasks 50/50;

although leisure was managed separately,

to have each their space.

He was going away for a week with her friends and she accepted it, although the idea made her a little angry.

Generally, these things do not work because they were focused only on the children and the chores, and not on their life as a couple.

If the holidays have been like a declaration of war, couples can return and wait for routine and work to muzzle conflicts again, or face them.

"Actually, the people who go to couples therapy is a very small percentage, because there is still a lot of reluctance," says Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist and president of the International Society of Specialists in Sexology (SÍSEX).

“Many couples come looking for extreme unction, so that you confirm that the relationship has died and thus break with the confirmation of a professional.

Of course, a therapist does not advise or decide, her job is to make the situation visible and for the members of the couple to make decisions.

There are also those who confess to you that they do not believe in therapy,

but that they have come because their partner has given them an ultimatum ('either you go, or I separate').

These are generally men dragged into consultation by women.

And then there are those who really believe in us and think that we can help them”, says Larrazabal.

One way or another, therapy does its job.

"I always say that it always works, either because it has helped its members to recognize that they have come to an end, and contributes to a less dramatic breakup, or because it helps to find better ways to relate," acknowledges Francisca Molero.

Generally, they arrive at the consultation with demands and problems that they have already identified and that they want to solve: lack of sex, infidelity, loss of confidence, etc.

"Sometimes, they are not always the ones that we would identify as the most pressing, but the couple decides what is the priority and everything is planned and agreed with them," says Molero.

Communication is something basic and it is not always easy when the relationship is very deteriorated.

“I always talk about the importance of oral sex in a union”, says Raúl González, “referring to the ability to verbalize our desires, complaints, concerns and also knowing how to listen to them.

If communication is not a problem, the rest are just difficulties”.

In fact, as Larrazabal points out, “the difference between a couple that gets along and an unhappy one is not the conflicts, but the skills to solve them.

And when we talk about skills we have to know that they can always be learned.

In therapy we teach coping strategies, both cognitively and behaviorally, along with communication and negotiation skills.”

At this point, society, education and coexistence offer free and intensive courses on how to blame the other and survive in the attempt;

how to become a specialist in other people's defects, while developing a blindness towards one's own, or how to feel disappointed because the partner is not very proficient in the art of reading thoughts and fails to anticipate our wishes.

Esther Perel, Belgian psychotherapist and writer, specialist in couple issues, has a recommended video on YouTube where she talks about a different approach: “The most difficult thing to understand in couple therapy is that if you want to change the other, you first have to change yourself. you".

In it, the expert proposes to start by asking: “Am I the couple I would like to be?

Who have I been so far in my relationships?

How have I shown myself?

Francisca Molero connects with this idea and recognizes that one of the duties that she always sends her patients is to record the positive behaviors of the other and our response to them.

“Those everyday gestures, not always appreciated, especially when there is conflict.

I believe that it is essential to work on the eroticization of mistreatment (if the word mistreatment exists, its opposite should also exist);

to start thinking that affection, care, affection, empathy, understanding are very sexy things.

The idea that the seducer was always the scoundrel or the badass begins to fade.

An Australian study published in the

suggests that women have more desire if their partners share housework.

In addition to lacking tools to manage problems, many couples commit too high expectations of their

.

“We are looking for someone who does everything well: who is a good lover, friend, partner, father / mother, who is handsome, who has a sense of humor, the perfect travel companion.

We seek eternal and passionate love and when this ends we experience it as the greatest of dramas”, says Raúl González.

Esther Perel comments in the same video how couples have been perfected throughout the history of mankind.

What began as a mere survival union became a contract and then an emotional relationship as well.

We have been making the ideal concept of a couple more sophisticated and "the good relationships today are the best in history, but they are very few," says the Belgian psychotherapist.

What then do unfortunate unions complain about?

What are your most common objections?

According to Miren Larrazabal, what is heard most in the consultation are three typical phrases: "my partner does not listen to me", "he does not understand me" and "he does not value me".

"What we can deduce is that the star skills for a happy and lasting union are active listening, empathy and personal validation," she adds.

We have also heard lately this reiterated idea that you have to go to your partner with your homework done, without great needs to cover and not looking to the other for a lifeline.

All correct, but, as Perel argues, "I'm tired of that, of fixing yourself first and then go to a relationship, because the thing is interactive."

We grow at the same time that others help us mature and recognize ourselves, and a good partner is a great instrument for that.

On the contrary, staying in a relationship in which the expiration date has already expired can lead us, as Raúl González says, “in the best of cases, to a situation of anodyne, to losing the will to live and even to pictures of depression and anxiety.

A very expensive bill that is not worth paying.

Rita Abundancia is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website