How long do you have to wait to rebuild life after the death of a partner

This summer, some photographs were published in which the actress and presenter Paz Padilla was seen with who seemed to be her new partner.

As news it would be something happy in any case, but a part of the people who saw it on social networks was undone in criticism of the protagonist.

How dare she, it's still too early, she wouldn't want it that bad.

What these angry people were referring to was the fact that Padilla had been widowed “only” two years earlier.

A few days ago, in an interview on the program

— She went to promote the play

—, the Cadiz woman wanted to launch a reflection: "How long do you have to wait to rebuild your life?"

That is, at what point can a person who has lost a partner start a new love relationship?

A few decades ago, when the unwritten rules of mourning reigned over the lives of, above all, women, the answer was somewhat clearer: as explained in an article in SModa of April 2021, due to the death of a spouse they could being between two and five years old not only wearing black, but also giving up the pleasures of life.

Now those customs are a thing of the past, but something remains in the social perception and how it is reacted when you see a widowed person start a new chapter in her romantic history.

The brawls that centuries ago denounced widowed women who embarked on a new relationship are now comments that flood social networks.

Re-marriage after becoming a widow or widower is still not very common in Spain, and it is even less so among women.

According to a 2011 study, only 4.3% of widowed women returned to having a partner.

It is also known that the younger the widowed person, the greater the chances of starting another relationship.

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Help to overcome the duel

Paz Padilla, at 53 years old, falls into that segment of young widows (the average age of widows in Spain is 77 years old) who are more open to new relationships.

On the other hand, among women over the age of 65 there is a generalized refusal to re-pair, as Juan López Doblas, a sociologist at the University of Granada, who has done a lot of research on older people who live alone, explains to EL PAÍS.

“When the topic comes up, there are discourses differentiated by gender and women don't respond with a 'no'.

They respond with a 'no, no, no, no, no'.

The rejection is deep and widespread, and it doesn't matter if they are 66 or 96″.

What they reject, in reality, is more coexistence, and the youngest are somewhat more open to relationships in which they do not share a house (what in English they call

).

The reasons they give to justify why they do not want to live with a partner again are also different: among the older women there are more traditional arguments, such as not wanting to replace her husband or the fear of what they will say;

in the next generation, which may be 70 or 60 years old, there is more talk about not losing freedom or not wanting to care again.

About what there is no data is about the time that passes from the death of the couple to the beginning of a new relationship between those who do.

There is indeed a study published in 1996 in the

that paints a picture in San Diego (United States) that is very different from that of Spain: 25 months after the death of a spouse, 61% of men and 19% of women they were immersed in a new romantic relationship.

The sample was small and very specific, but the study also concluded that, in general, these people tended to show higher rates of emotional well-being.

Are those two years (or less) the answer?

there are no times

Deciding whether or not someone is ready for a new relationship based solely on time is meaningless, experts say. Morsa Images (Getty Images)

"There is neither a manual for the perfect duel nor a time for the perfect mourner, but rather duel is something individual," explains Valeria Moriconi, psychologist, psycho-oncologist and head of the Covid-19 Dueling Support Service of the Madrid Official College of Psychology.

"Clinically we could say that around the year is when the loss should be accepted and the emotions should be less intense, but we know that it is a general criterion, it must be adapted to the person and their circumstances," she says.

This is what the also psycho-oncologist and psychologist specializing in grief, Paloma Romero, emphasizes: all grief is unique, so it does not make much sense to talk about times.

“Grief is going to be conditioned by the present and past of people, by the circumstances of death, by their strengths, weaknesses, fragilities… All this is going to do is shape that mourning, a unique way that does not It looks like no one else's," he details.

Deciding whether or not someone is ready for a new relationship based solely on time is meaningless, she says.

As an example of those circumstances and that necessary context, Romero indicates that, in the case of Paz Padilla and her husband Antonio Juan Vidal —who died in July 2020 from brain cancer—, there was possibly also an early duel.

“People understand that she has been grieving for two years because, since her husband died, she has been a widow for two years.

But grief, when we talk about degenerative diseases with a poor prognosis such as oncological diseases, often begins earlier.

It is a disease that deteriorates the person progressively, they are small losses that happen in front of your eyes”, explains the expert.

If you have been living that anticipated duel and being aware of it, not blocking it, you have been accompanied by professionals and working on it, perhaps that moment of "rebuilding your life" comes sooner, she indicates.

More than times, both specialists in grief speak of an emotional adaptation.

“Grief is not a pathology, something that is cured or recovered, it is a process.

And it is not linear, it is more like a roller coaster ride, in which there are ups and downs”, explains Paloma Romero.

“The process is that if at the beginning there is more pain than love and you go through life with the image of the person in front of you, it is difficult to see where you are going, it is difficult to move forward.

When you integrate the mourning, all these particular little things that this relationship gave you, what happens is that the proportion of pain and love tends to invert.

There will always be pain, but above all there is the love of what that relationship has given you, and instead of being in front you have it next to you.

It is something that does not hinder, that accompanies you, that fills the sails and that is not incompatible with other things.

In mourning there is also a relocation of love and assumption of new roles.

“The duel is not over”, points out Valeria Moriconi, “there is an emotional adaptation to the loss, a relocation of the loved one in your life.

Although he is not physically with you, love does not end.

But it is redistributed and it is the axis that pushes you to re-engage in life”.

The person who has suffered the loss, the mourner, must learn to live in this new reality.

“One of the most difficult jobs is to rediscover the role within the day to day, tasks that were previously shared and now you have to assume them alone or share them with another person.

She stopped being a wife and started being a widow.

With this new role is when I can face society with other pillars and I can give space to others, "she elaborates.

peer pressure

In this very personal and unique process, social pressure usually appears when a moment comes, in one direction or the other.

"The feeling that the mourners have is that whatever they do, there are those who have to say something about it," says Moriconi.

Thus, just as Paz Padilla is criticized for having started a relationship, there are also those who feel the opposite pressure, that of having to get over it already, as happened to Hamlet when he was criticized for continuing to cry for his father when it had already happened. a time.

“From a certain point in grief, between six and eight months, it is common for patients to start receiving messages from their environment encouraging them to do things and they may have problems managing this pressure”, explains Paloma Romero.

“Sustaining the pain of others is very difficult.

A part of the social pressure perhaps aims to encourage the mourners to be better than they are, with perhaps very silly indicators such as going out or what they wear.

Because seeing them like this hurts them and they understand that they are doing it for their own good.

Or there is simply the lack of context that prevents empathy, ”she adds.

This pressure, external and internal, can also cause some to embark on a new relationship when they are not yet ready.

“If I get into any type of relationship as a way to avoid what I am feeling due to the lack of the person who is no longer there, that is a plug.

And there are no airtight plugs.

The danger of avoiding this duel is that sooner or later it will come back to me squarely in the face”, warns Valeria Moriconi.

On the other hand, rebuilding life does not necessarily mean finding a new partner.

Moriconi prefers the expression “rejoin life”, a new stage that can take many forms and that can be different from the previous one.

“The couple does not mean that the duel is more or less over.

It is not an index.

It's about opening up to the world again and having those roots of love with a person who has passed away.

New ties can be created, be they friendship, love, professional, personal... If you want to incorporate a new partner, great, but sometimes that means absolutely nothing, ”he adds.