In one of the scenes in the "Casual" series, the heroine sat with a strange man and told him about the anger she had accumulated towards her parents and the horrible treatment they gave her and her siblings in their childhood.
The same man answered her: "Behind every angry child who expects his parents to ask him for forgiveness, stands a parent who has been waiting his whole life for gratitude."
This sentence, from a rather banal series, sharpened my understanding that it is impossible to ask others to apologize to us, as long as they do not forgive themselves for their human flaws.
Each of us is fighting our own battle to achieve recognition, love, appreciation, visibility, and reduce suffering.
Each of us is triggered by our deepest wounds, and it is impossible to know whether the one who says something insulting to us or is not attentive to us at all notices that he is hurting us, or is actually busy licking his personal wounds and feels attacked.
To forgive is healthy
Studies show that asking for forgiveness contributes to health: asking for forgiveness is associated with reduced anxiety levels, improvement in depression symptoms, and even a reduction in physical pain.
Some studies have found that people who are able to ask for forgiveness have higher self-worth and greater satisfaction.
The explanation given for this is that as long as we are bitter, we remain imprisoned in a sacrificial experience that limits our scope of action and freedom, that is, we increase the suffering.
Asking for forgiveness or accepting forgiveness does not oblige us to stop being angry, but they indicate that anger no longer controls us and does not take up huge amounts of mental and emotional energy.
True forgiveness is an attempt to separate my part from the other's part, even if he has hurt me.
An apology does not always indicate that I am wrong and the other person is right, but that I consider the relationship with that person more than my desire to be just right.
close circles
One of the significant things I've learned about myself in recent years is that emotional circuits that remain open negatively affect the quality of my life, even if I'm not aware of it.
One of the effective ways to close circles that remained open is to apologize, because this is proof that we have forgiven ourselves and recognized the offensive parts of us.
I told the media many times about the end of my first marriage, that I felt in an inaccurate place for me.
I am the one who initiated the separation from the man I married, after prolonged arguments.
I went through great fear to dare to take this step.
I knew I owed myself the new beginning, but yet I felt it was unfair to him.
It happened more than 18 years ago, and I still feel guilty.
Over the years, the presence of guilt lessened in my day-to-day life, but I still lived with the feeling that I had hurt a dear person in order to feel better about myself.
It is not an easy burden to carry within our self-worth, even if we repress it or ignore it or find it offensive that we have made rational justifications.
The period after I initiated the breakup was accompanied by anger and mutual accusations, like most breakups.
As the years passed and the more I processed the experiences and built a perspective, the more I was able to see more sides of the story and contain within me a more complete and broader picture.
On the one hand, I truly accepted the fact that I had hurt him, regardless of the reasons for it, and on the other hand, I realized that the full responsibility in a relationship is never placed on only one party, and that the strength of my self-blame is exaggerated.
My first husband's wife
A few years ago I gave a lecture about my personal story and the change I made in my life, including the divorce, the treatment of health problems through a lifestyle change and the change in career.
At the end of the lecture, a woman came up to me with a bright smile and said: "I am Dekel's wife, your lecture was really fascinating."
In the first moment I was speechless, but a second later I shouted loudly (too much) in the direction of the people who remained in the hall and were waiting for a selfie or to exchange a word with me: "You don't believe! This is the wife of my first husband, whom I just mentioned in the lecture."
Ina was unfazed by my strange reaction, which made me like her even more, and then we chatted for a few more minutes.
After she left, I sent Dekal a WhatsApp message.
I wrote to him that I was excited to meet her and to see how good, beautiful and smart she is.
He wrote me back that he was really happy to read it.
After that I wrote to him, without thinking too much, that I apologize for the pain I caused him.
I didn't plan this apology, it burst out of me.
He replied that he really appreciates it, that his life is wonderful and that he is happy with his family and also told a little about his career, which developed impressively.
This correspondence happened 15 years after our separation, and I had no idea how much it would affect me.
Over the years, not closing this circle between him and me sank to the back shelf of my emotional storage.
Nevertheless, after our correspondence, I felt an inexplicable lightness and joy, and only then did I realize that a part of me that had been blocked until then had been released.
I don't think I could have done it before.
Meeting his wife, her smile and her acceptance allowed me to forgive myself.
More than an apology
Some see an apology as an act that erases the injury to another.
In my opinion, this is actually a dangerous part of asking for forgiveness, which causes some people to slip away from changing their ways.
Asking for forgiveness in contemporary relationships, unlike apologizing for an event that happened in the past with a person who is no longer an active part of our lives today, is only the first step.
Forgiveness does not always atone for the behavior or the act, but is more like a statement of intentions.
In order for an apology in a live relationship to be real, it should also include an operative plan to change the behavior for which I am asking to be forgiven, so that the apology ceremony does not become a ritual of abdicating responsibility for the actions.
You can always fix it
During the time of separation from Dekal I felt that I was the worst woman in the world, I felt that I was the most disappointing woman in the world, that I had broken the contract I committed to with the man who was important to me.
The times when we are unable to ask for forgiveness are related to events for which we are unable to forgive ourselves.
The lack of separation between the act itself and the seriousness of the guilt prevents the possibility of apologizing.
I mean, I may have hurt someone a lot, and it's still not an absolutely criminal act, one that makes me a terrible and irredeemable person.
Rosenberg.
To forgive is healthy, photo: Eric Sultan
I initiated the breakup that he didn't want at the time, and it hurt him.
That simple - that complicated.
Only after 15 years did I find the strength to apologize for it without being filled with guilt.
After that correspondence, a communication channel was opened between me and Dekal and Ina, and we even invited her to be a guest on our program as a yoga teacher and give us a live training.
When I need immediate rescue in computing matters, I call Dekal and he always helps me.
Sorry with interest
A few weeks ago, Dekal and I corresponded and got updated about a couple we knew in those days and who are now divorced.
Following this I suggested he meet to tell him the story of our breakup, from my side.
Dekal answered me that I don't need to share, that today he understands, and that he always tells Ina his wife that thanks to me he met her and that I did both me and him a great favor.
"If you didn't have the courage to go, we would become a boring and frustrated couple," he wrote to me.
I replied that I was happy to hear and that I felt that another significant part of the circle had closed and connected.
After a few more moments passed, I thought about it again and wrote him one more thing: "Tell me, Dekel, couldn't you have told me all these things a few years ago and saved me thousands of shekels and the beatings of guilt at the psychologist?"
Dekel gave a typical answer, half amused: "I was sure I already told you that, I was sure you already knew."
I probably won't forgive him for this delay, I'm even debating whether to send him the psychologist's invoices or simply send a request for payment in Bit.
never too late
My experience shows that if there is some kind of unclosed circle, asking for forgiveness can connect ends and provide relief that you didn't know you needed.
This is what happened to me.
There is a possibility that the same thing will happen to you.
worth the try.
Every year the atmosphere of Yom Kippur requires us to reflect on a topic that throughout the year feels heavy, or one that is not at all pleasant or that we want to touch on.
This is an excellent opportunity to ignite a part of you that you have extinguished so that you can move on, at the price of an unresolved story.
Just allow yourself to turn that part back on.
Paula recommends,
recommendation
Since 1973 Yom Kippur for many families is a complex day, when they remember their loved ones who were killed in the war.
Not only were a huge amount of IDF soldiers killed in this war; the fighting, like all fighting, also took a heavy toll on those who returned from it, wounded in body and soul.
I would like to recommend to you an exciting book written by Hila Florsheim-Brown called "A stranger will not understand".
Hila's father was captured in the Yom Kippur war, and a different person returned from there.
More than 300 soldiers were captured in the Yom Kippur War.
The book reflects a painful and very common reality of the war victims and their families, people who did return home, but some of them stayed there and will never return.
were we wrong
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