What would you say if you had to abstain from sex for six months?
Is this an intolerable scenario for you or did you just have a momentary thought: "Wow, I can do so many things with the free time"?
How many people do you think would answer this question honestly?
For us it went rather under the radar (after all - elections, an attack once a week, inability to close the month and a host of other distractions) but it turns out that in the US there was not long ago a mini storm around the actress Drew Barrymore precisely because of this question.
It all started when a few weeks ago the actor Andrew Garfield (who you may know from the Spider-Man movies from the previous decade) said that he once abstained from sex for six months in favor of a role in some movie.
When the subject came up on Barrymore's talk show, she said: "What's wrong with me that it hasn't seemed like this for a long time? Like - well, then?".
The host next to her, Ross Matthews, said: "Here's our headline - Drew Barrymore can go six months without sex without a problem," and she replied: "Oh, years."
"Drew Barrymore hates sex!"
cried the headlines, prompting Barrymore to post a text on the subject on her blog.
I don't hate sex, she wrote, but I see it completely differently than before.
She said that since her divorce from her husband, in 2016, she has not been with a man.
Six years where she preferred to focus on herself and her daughters and sex was simply not her priority.
Even now, she admitted, she doesn't really feel like she needs him.
"Drew Barrymore is a 'person who doesn't need sex'!"
More Tik Tok - less sex (Photo: screenshot, TIKTOK)
It's really not that common to hear women say that they don't need sex or don't want sex, even though it is known that libido, also among men but especially among women, has quite a few low periods.
In fact, throughout life, most of us treat the amount and frequency of sex we have as a kind of status symbol: at younger ages they testify to our abilities in the field and make us more desirable, at slightly more mature ages they are a test of the quality of our relationship, and at even older ages - I still don't know Telling from personal experience, but from my acquaintance with humanity, I assume that even in the shelters, comparisons are made as to who has more sex and deserves the title of "youngest old man".
This measurement of how much sex we have is of course also relevant for men and in some ways even more demanding, but the difference is that men are expected to have sexual desire to satisfy themselves while women are expected to have sexual desire to satisfy their partners.
This, at least, is the mindset of the world in which Drew Barrymore grew up (today she is 48) and so did I and probably a large part of you.
But the world we knew is changing in many ways, and it may be that the willingness of women to adopt this mindset is also changing.
The post on Barrymore's blog was followed by shares from other women, mainly in their 40s, who said that they too have not had sex for several years, that sex is not really a priority in their list of priorities, that as they grow older their attitude towards sex changes and that they do not need a partner or Sex to be complete and happy.
You can't draw a sweeping conclusion from this, of course, but it totally got me thinking.
After all, studies have been published for years, more or less based, which claim that "today's young people have much less sex".
Could it be that the women of today are no longer interested in sex as much as they were in the past?
Iris Yotbat, 74 years old, is one of the pioneers of female empowerment and tantric sexuality in Israel.
For about four decades, she has been accompanying women and couples from their 20s to their 70s and 80s, in all matters related to sexuality, femininity, intimacy and marital communication.
We conducted the marital contexts in our conversation with reference to heterosexual sexual orientation, but the things are of course relevant to relationships of any kind.
Oh, they call it "menopause" because the libido passes? (Photo: ShutterStock)
Yotabat points to three periods in a woman's life when a decrease in libido is expected: the years of pregnancy and childbirth, when libido decreases for a variety of reasons related to quality of life and general health, such as recovery from childbirth, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, and more;
Entering menopause, around the age of 50, following which there are hormonal changes that affect libido but also sexual boredom, especially if the woman has been in a relationship for many years;
And starting at the age of 70, a period when libido may not be on the decline, but its rhythm changes and becomes more moderate.
Beyond the changes in a woman's personal life, do you also see any difference in the level of general libido of women in the past compared to today?
"I can't say that I see a big difference, but I can say that existential anxiety, which has been present in the last decade much more than before, and has been increasing in recent years, affects the libido. The order of priorities changes according to the existential situation, and this is shared by both men and women."
Maybe that's why today's "young people" have less sex, but you're not worried about it.
First, because according to her, it is not necessarily true.
"I can't testify for the entire public, but I don't think that young people today have less sex. I see that some of them are actually doing more and experimenting with all kinds of experiments like polyamory and BDSM and all these interesting and fascinating things, and this opens up the whole spectrum of sexuality and tests limits. Maybe they try To have sex more consciously, but this is also not true for all young people and that's fine. There is one and only rule in the whole issue of sexuality and that is to do no harm. Neither to myself nor to others. Once you keep this principle, which is actually a tantric principle, everything is fine."
Second, she says, even if there is a decrease in frequency or quantity, there is definitely an increase in quality.
"The world grew and developed, tantra entered the picture, many other things entered the picture of Western sexuality," she says, "today it is possible to learn many more things that allow the act of love to be very high quality, very invested, very satisfying, filling and not empty. And then it creates a desire For the next time. Because what is desire? It's a desire for more. If it's just a matter of "marking a V" because we need to or because the body wants to or because we want to cum, it doesn't make us want so much for the next time."
Could it be that it is precisely from this place that today there are mature, mature women who stop "marking a V" and compromising on lower quality sexual relations, whether they are in a relationship or not, and give priority to other things, to their relationship with themselves?
"That's pretty much the reality. When you're young and you're experimenting, before you have a partner and when you have a partner, there's great enthusiasm and also some kind of feeling that the number of acts of love we do a week says something about us. When we get older we realize that it doesn't mean anything about us, that there are other things that say about us something. Also, what's important to remember, and this might sound a little too gendered, but I think that unlike men, who think about sex much more than women during the day and make it their top priority, women have a range of things that give them pleasure and satisfaction, and one of them is Sexuality. They can watch a good series or meet friends and it will create oxytocin in their brain and will be no less satisfying than sexuality. I think that women in recent generations, in their 40s plus, accept themselves more like this. Agree to see themselves like this, not to be subjected to measurements According to the amount and number of sexual relations they have per week, and they certainly don't let the man they're with or the partner they're with determine what's right and what's good."
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A post shared by Drew Barrymore (@drewbarrymore)
Do you think it is also related to the assimilation of feminist messages and the Me Too revolution?
Women actually stop measuring themselves according to the male point of view?
No longer interested in feeling dependent on their partners?
"Of course it's related, it's a transformation that includes the Me Too and the initial feminism and today's advanced feminism, it happens slowly and takes us out like a butterfly from the cocoon. The cocoon says: this is how you should feel about your sexuality and your femininity, and the butterfly says: there is A multitude of colors, you can be like this and such and such. When I was a young girl, it was impossible to walk around the world and feel sexual desire. You had to hide it. Today's generations understand what it is to feel sexual desire, and in such a situation I believe there is more room for the truth of each One, and each one is different, of course."
Even a few years of lack of desire is okay?
When does it become abnormal?
"It really depends. The fan of "no desire" can be made up of several things. It may be that I have no desire for a man, because I don't feel like all the emotional, sexual entanglement, etc., but I have a desire for myself. So I masturbate and I watch sexy movies and love myself. There are many women who live like this and it's okay for a period of time. And there are women who feel that without the man and his penis it's not called sex, and then they suffer from having no desire for a man. It depends on that - whether you suffer from it or not. Lack of desire Sex is not necessarily a bundle of trouble. Absolutely not. I also say the same to men, there are also men, you'll be surprised to hear, who sometimes have periods when they don't feel like it."
Can this be taken care of?
"Certainly. There are two options: if it happens within a relationship, then in my opinion the treatment and work should also be a couple. Because many times the lack of libido of a woman who is in a long relationship depends very much on what happens between her and her partner. If it happens in the path of a woman with herself So you have to check how she has been all her life, what she wants to continue her path, and then of course there are tools - from the world of tantra, medicines, alternative medicine. The main thing is to decide whether you suffer or not. If you suffer and get down on yourself and you are not well with So of course you should take care of yourself, as with everything. But if you don't suffer from it - leave it alone and it will come by itself."
Are there things that everyone can do at home too?
With herself or with her partner?
"If it's in a relationship - don't be afraid to have fun with your partner in erotic playfulness. Small gestures, small messages. Play in the erotic space but on the condition that you know in advance that it's not going to be sex. Because many times the lack of sexual desire in a relationship is not a lack of desire but a fear that if I now I'll caress and kiss the back of his neck, he'll think it's going to be sex and it's not right for me right now. If it's a woman with herself, I think the first step is to love your body. As it is. Many times the lack of sexual desire depends on the body image and the feeling we have towards our body. So Start by caressing yourself, loving yourself naked and not looking only at the flaws, the pounds or the wrinkles. Loving what you have is the first step on the way to feeling sexual and sensual."
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sex and relationship
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