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not objective
I will try to write as objectively as I can.
I can't think of him only in factual terms, because I love him.
When I sat down to write the column, I tried to remember the men in the media who dare to break the "man man" mold, men who are straight and considered successful by social standards (why only straight men? Because the rest won't be accepted into the dubious club of toxic men in the first place).
I also asked the editor of the column if he can think of any other men who challenge the stereotype.
He answered me: "Leon is quite unique in the Israeli landscape, after all."
I often talk about famous women who work to shatter the outdated and restrictive representations of women.
If we look at the male counterpart, the situation is quite bleak.
Nevertheless, I was able to name a few men who challenge the model.
Breaking conventions
Shahar Hason is, in my eyes, one of the most special and sharp people in the country.
I was at his show a few weeks ago, and beyond the fact that he is really funny, I was most moved by how through the laughter he challenges the male narrative and is not afraid to share his dissatisfaction with parts of his body.
Discourse on body image is illegitimate in a model of toxic masculinity.
There was a touching moment in the performance, where Shahar shared that he had only recently been able to tell his father that he loved him.
It is not obvious that a famous and successful man would speak honestly about the difficulty in the relationship between father and son, and about the fact that he was not taught to speak his feelings.
Shahar also tells about his sex life in a completely honest way, which shatters the model of toxic masculinity.
But to hear it you'll have to go to the concert.
Ben-el Tabori, for example, you might be surprised that he is on the list (I don't want to discuss his publicized behaviors, but only his clothing style), but the fact that he chooses to wear a skirt and sequins - it is not obvious in our society, to be a man who expresses his taste in extravagant clothing.
It's reserved for women and gay men, according to toxic masculinity.
Ben-El receives teasing and ridiculous comments about this.
According to the stereotypical model, men in the media are supposed to wear a T-shirt or a suit, and not engage in "vanities" such as fashion.
Assaf Amdorski also deviates from the "masculine" pattern in clothing.
And in general, he has the courage to express unconventional opinions.
I don't even want to think what would happen if a woman dared to talk the same way while watching a record.
Women's sarcastic speech gets much harsher reactions than men's.
When I talk about Amdorski and Ben-El Tabori, I mention them because they break the male model in Israel.
So it's true, they won't appear in an evening dress and colored nail polish smeared on their nails like Harry Styles, but we have to remember that we live in a largely religious and traditional country.
But before them all is David Bowie, the undisputed king.
In the recently released wonderful film about his life, you can watch interviews conducted in the British media at the beginning of Bowie's career and learn about the mocking and disparaging manner in which his clothing and appearance were treated before he became financially successful and gained worldwide publicity.
When you become so strong according to the male model, no one will dare to mock you anymore.
Price Tag
Let's talk about the price of the pressure to "be a man man".
When a boy is required to demonstrate only strength and authority, and not reveal that he is offended or jealous or needs help - he will not be able to develop as a person with a wealth of experiences and feelings.
Such a man is condemned to a prison of superficial relations with the world.
This male presentation is called "toxic masculinity" - behavior that includes physical or verbal aggression, inability to admit weaknesses, indifference and of course misogyny, homophobia and transphobia.
Men who adopt toxic masculinity tend to make sexual comments or tell sexist jokes ("Come on, what are you offended by? We're laughing at you") and invade women's space in the public sphere by force, words and actions.
Men with toxic masculinity will also diminish and humiliate other men who undermine their already low confidence.
Non-straight men and straight men with a gentle or sensitive demeanor - will be a punching bag for the aggressive behavior of toxic masculinity.
The men also pay
According to the American Psychological Association, conforming to stereotypical male ideology has been shown to adversely affect men's physical and mental health, as well as limiting psychological development and exposing them to the dangers of depression, anxiety and addictions to alcohol, gambling, sex and drugs.
Because the price of toxic masculinity itself is a little less talked about, many believe that it pays to shrink themselves and fake toughness and imperviousness, than to risk humiliation.
Every man has a story
Every man I know has more than one story about how he was humiliated and hurt by toxic masculinity that was demonstrated, whether by a father or grandfather or an older brother, whether by a child who was stronger socially or physically, whether in the army or in the workplace.
For many men, these stories are repressed and hidden, but not forgotten: they are the internal red lights that warn them against expressing weakness or emotion, because they have experienced firsthand what happens when they become victims of toxic masculinity.
So this is it and this is it?
Toxic masculinity is not natural or innate.
We are weaning her from the male models in the family, society and the media.
Imagine a little boy who observes the men around him, the family members and the heroes of movies and stories.
This is how behavior is shaped.
This is how we learn, not only in childhood, how to behave in order to progress and succeed.
What is this child learning?
He is exposed to men who act aggressively, but are forgiven for it because they make a lot of money.
They see who are the male models who receive the most respect, and not only that, they discover that society hardly punishes those who are strong and those who control the family, the kingdom, the classroom.
Representations of women and men in the media are widely studied.
One of the studies, for example, found that one of the most insulting statements towards a boy in series is "You play ball like a girl".
Comparing men to women is the ultimate insult wherever you turn.
The media is indeed lying to you
The computer games that the children play, the series and even the cartoons are saturated with toxic masculinity.
When researching the descriptions of gender roles in the media, the following data emerges: male protagonists are presented as dominant, powerful, with low emotional intelligence, tall, athletic and muscular, while positive female protagonists are presented as submissive, emotional and generous who work for others, demonstrate modesty and do not demand anything for themselves .
And of course they are thin, young and smiling.
Negative female protagonists are presented as domineering, as having an unattractive exterior, and will usually live on the vine without a relationship.
When teenagers watch the stereotypical gender messages on the screen, they learn from the heroes how to behave towards a girl on a date, how to respond to a friend who cries and how to get ahead at work.
Put on a skirt and sit quietly
Toxic masculinity leads to violent behavior - also and perhaps especially on social networks.
Leon absorbs a lot from her, for example when he said in an interview that he had difficulty accepting the fact that his wife earns more.
Leon tells honestly in interviews that he grew up in a patriarchal home, and about the trials and difficulties of tearing away from himself the patterns he absorbed from society and the environment.
He recently posted and shared that this is the first time he has stayed home when one of the girls is sick, and that he is proud of himself for breaking the automatic pattern in the relationship, according to which it is my responsibility to take care of the girls when they are sick.
Anyone who thinks to himself, "Well, what's the big deal, it's clear that he should be a full partner, what's special about that" - welcome to read a partial sample of the responses:
"He's like a poodle", "Put on a skirt and sit quietly, Paula's slave", "Singer of the house", "Smertoton", "It seems to me that at home he makes carpet noises".
A thought experiment
Let's play a game: let's say it was true, and really Leon is a weak and helpless man who is in an abusive relationship with a domineering woman, a witch, who holds him by force within the relationship.
Let's say it's true, flowing with you for the thought experiment.
I have a few questions for the men and women who wrote these lovely comments:
1. Let's say it was true.
Let's say I was a violent woman and Leon was the victim: is a person's weakness a reason to tease him?
laugh at him?
If the commenters do believe that Leon is the victim of a sick relationship, why are you attacking him?
Is weakness a reason to mock?
Who taught you to attack a person when you think he is in trouble?
The answer: this is exactly the model of toxic masculinity, according to which weak men are the punching bag of the "strong" men.
From childhood, boys laugh at a friend who is offended and say "ya shemale", "ya gay", "ya female".
That's how you learn that those who are weak - steal.
2. Let's say that Leon is in a relationship with an abusive woman (which is me): would you write these horrible comments to a woman who is in an abusive relationship?
Try to find out why you allow yourself to write like that to a man.
The answer: when a woman is the leader, obedient and submissive in a relationship, the one who is being abused, she does not arouse the wrath of those who have a toxic perception of power relations between men and women.
3. Would you write to a woman who publishes a post boasting that she chose to stay at home with her sick child while her husband went to work "you're a house cleaner", "a rag", "you're like a poodle"?
The answer: of course not.
Because according to toxic masculinity, a woman is supposed to stay with the children when they are sick anyway.
According to the toxic masculinity model, you can be proud of your motherhood and the fact that you take care of the house.
Just "don't make the man your Sanger".
so what are we doing?
To combat toxic masculinity, healthy masculinity must be presented.
True, the media has a responsibility to convey a message that there is no "right" way to be a man or a woman.
But leave you alone, don't put Netflix in charge of your and your children's health.
Show them a personal example at home of how a real and decent man behaves.
Talk to them about the problematic images they see.
Do not tease and speak ill of men who dare to rebel against the model.
Toxic masculinity is a learned behavior, passed down from generation to generation - we can stop it.
My female sisters, don't give a hand to sayings like "a man doesn't change diapers" or "why does he always come to the parent meeting, don't the children have a mother?"
It's time to destroy the phrase "he helps at home".
The way to create a new model is to learn to develop critical thinking towards what we are taught, and above all to agree to feel all the emotions.
A man puts dishes in the dishwasher!
For the avoidance of doubt, this is a photograph that is not an illustration,
Do this to me:
Psychologist Amnon Tolidano's book "From masculinity to freedom" grabbed me from the first moment.
He describes in fluid and accessible language the changes that occur in the gender balance of power, and authentically describes the trap that many men feel.
The book tries to find a way and tools to a new masculinity, which will free women and men from the burden of stereotypical masculinity and its costs.
Info@paulanatural.co.il
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