Olga Castanyer, psychologist: "If it hurts and blocks us when they blame us or censor what we feel, why do we do it with children?"

Olga Castanyer (Madrid, 60 years old) has a degree in Psychology from the Comillas Pontifical University, a specialist in Clinical Psychology and European Psychology, practices psychotherapy at the Sijé Center in Madrid and regularly teaches courses on assertiveness, self-esteem and social skills.

She is also the author of several books, including

Desclee de Brouwer).

In her latest work,

(Grijalbo), Castanyer analyzes alternatives to manage, from the family and the school, conflictive situations exemplified in the experiences of four children —called La Banda del Moco—.

Likewise, in her book the psychologist teaches guidelines that make it possible to educate in self-esteem and assertiveness and points out the importance of example, reinforcement, limits and unconditional love from parents to children.

QUESTION.

How can children be educated to develop self-esteem in a healthy way?

RESPONSE.

Leading by example: as we treat them, so they will treat themselves as adults.

The fact of checking how we treat ourselves will help them learn to treat themselves.

In addition, we must transmit to children unconditional love, security, support and recognition of their person and their worth.

More information

How to promote healthy self-esteem in our children and students

Q.

Self-affirmation means expressing opinions and complaints.

Do children have this social ability?

R.

The small child has a healthy predisposition to self-affirmation, which is nothing more than a survival mechanism to make his way.

It is necessary that parents know how to accept that need, listen to it and validate it and set the necessary limits when they have to be set.

Q.

Why is it so important how to talk to a child or explain things to him?

R.

Explaining things, talking openly about emotions and the reasons why we do something is very important.

By explaining to children we help them understand many things that adults take for granted, but that they don't necessarily know.

Moreover, this way we show them respect and trust instead of simply ordering them something.

Q.

There are signs that it is not easy for parents to interpret and that have to do with the responses of the autonomic nervous system, such as the child dropping something on the ground or refusing to answer questions that are asked.

What is she perceiving at that moment?

A.

They are reactions of the autonomic nervous system against stimuli considered threatening.

If the child reacts by throwing something or in a violent way, it means that he has been scared or feels threatened.

It is a fight-flight reaction.

Same as not responding.

The child will only perceive that he has felt scared and it is the parents' job to talk about it with him and put words to his emotion.

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Q.

In your book, you state: "Children take too much from us and have no space left to develop as an autonomous person."

Could you explain this statement?

R.

Many times we carry our children with a backpack that is ours and not theirs.

It is made of our frustrations, expectations, ideals about how to be... From there we model the child, without letting him develop independently.

Q.

How can a father or mother not censor their son's feelings or blame him for his actions?

R.

Remembering himself when he was little.

Putting yourself in the child's place and trying to see reality from his point of view.

And, of course, remembering himself as an adult.

If it hurts and blocks us when they blame us or censor what we feel, why do we do it with our children?

Q.

What are the mistakes that parents and educators make the most when treating the child?

R.

The most common errors are four.

The first is to distrust the child, to see him as if he is on the other side and competes with us.

The second is to forget that the child does not know, he lacks experience and he has to learn.

The third is to use language in which behavior is mixed with being (“you are…”, “always the same…”, “I don't love you like this…”).

And the last one is that many parents base their education on penalizing wrong behaviors or vice versa, they overprotect them or allow them to do everything.

Q.

How important is it to listen to your children?

A.

It is vital.

By listening to the child we are transmitting connection, trust, respect, validation.

We will teach him that he is worthy of being cared for and respected and, at the same time, to listen to and respect himself.

Q.

In the book, you explain that assertive rights are the basis of self-respect and a key factor in assertive communication — the ability to express opinions or comments respectfully, without anyone feeling offended.

Should parents be aware of them in day-to-day parenting?

R.

Assertive rights are very necessary and can and must be taken into account from a very young child.

They are a guarantee of respect towards oneself and towards others.

For this, a useful instrument is to introduce the term in our daily communication.

For example: "You have the right not to like soccer", "that child has the right not to invite you to her party", "your partner does not have the right to take your marker by force"...

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