From 'helicopter fathers' to 'sandwich mothers': how hypervigilance creates fearful children without autonomy

The journalist Eva Millet tells in her book

(Editorial Platform) that her grandmother recommended acting before children "as if they were furniture."

That is, ignore them until the tantrum passed or they stopped bothering.

Now, she Millet considers that she goes from the "chair or table model" to putting them on an altar.

“Hyperpaternity is the type of parenting that consists of constantly being on top of the boy or girl, attending to or anticipating each of her wishes, structuring their days, leisure included, and solving every problem that arises,” she details.

In thousands of homes they are the absolute center of the family, the pole of attention and care, as if the world revolved around them like the sun.

The concept of a

father comes from those parents who fly over the existence of their children in all contexts.

As the journalist recounts, the first time the term appeared was in the book

, published in 1969, written by the psychologist and educator Haim G.Ginott.

"My mother flies over me like a

," lamented a teenager in her office.

It is not very difficult to detect them: they are the very dedicated and hyper-suffering fathers and mothers, whose function is to avoid any accident or small scratch.

What used to be normal and natural, like climbing trees, is now a string of: "Better not", "Get down from there", "It's dangerous, the devil is going to get involved".

More information

'Helicopter parents' raise disabled and dependent children

to be genuinely Spanish

: "Those who chase their sons or daughters in the park with snack in hand or, if they are less active, limit themselves to being their patient shadow."

The opinions of the psychologist Maribel Martínez are collected in

: "This type of parenting, based on always carrying children between cotton wool and solving their problems as a rule, what it does is render them useless both emotionally and for pragmatic things."

Maybe the message they receive is “you just can't”.

And, as Millet affirms, what they are told between the lines is: "You are not capable."

"Having someone who doesn't allow you to make mistakes prevents you from learning from the mistakes made, and this is key to development," Martínez writes.

It might seem that life is made easier for them, they are educated and accompanied, they are pampered in a healthy way, but they are being deprived of the acquisition of autonomy.

The teacher and educational psychologist Estefanía del Pozo Asensio, known on social networks as Mi Pizarra Educativa (she has 32,500 followers on Instagram), believes that excessive pressure or excessive care can only bring negative consequences: "We have to educate boys and girls to that they are autonomous, that they are capable of solving their problems, that they have their times and spaces, that they reason and develop their imagination and creativity”.

For Del Pozo, a child is autonomous when they are able to carry out the tasks that correspond to their age: "This allows them to better see their abilities, they learn to make mistakes and not only seek excellence, with the pressure and anxiety that this entails”.

Hypervigilant parents also disrupt the self-efficacy of children, that is, their ability to trust their abilities to achieve goals.

“If they see themselves as capable of resolving different situations, of finding several solutions to a problem, it directly affects their self-esteem”, affirms the teacher.

Overprotection is also directly related to fear and fear.

It prevents learning to look for life, manage frustration and deal with setbacks.

For the psychologist Marta Segrelles, growing up with excessive fear can lead to not knowing how to differentiate an alert from a real danger.

“As adolescents and adults, they can feel tremendously overwhelmed by everyday situations such as decision-making, a change of plans or an unforeseen event in the social context,” she says.

Fear is an emotion that protects us, and that in relational situations appears by inheritance or personal experience.

"What we frequently observe has to do with heredity, since this style of parenting based on fear can affect children in the form of more concerned, demanding or avoidant behaviors in new situations," says the psychologist specializing in childhood injuries. .

Children need security, not control, in their relationships.

"Having been raised from overprotection means that in adult life they can wear a kind of glasses with which to look at the world and with which they see threats in all places," says Segrelles.

Hyperpaternity makes it difficult for them to trust their abilities to face situations, as well as to doubt their own resources to sustain emotions or situations.

“When they grow up they often feel like a burden and don't want to bother, they are comfortable obeying and being of service to others,” she concludes.

Frustrations are part of life, that is why the family task is to help them fit in, not avoid paperwork and provide them with shells or establish them in the center of isolated crystal balls.

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