Prince Harry: My mum would feel sad that William and I are distant 3:34
(CNN) --
Now that Prince Harry has revealed his relationship problems with his brother, Prince William, in his book "Spare," you may be wondering if there's any hope left for such a frayed bond, especially if you're going through for a similar distancing.
Although strong sibling relationships have been associated with greater health and happiness, estrangement between siblings is probably more common than breakups between parents and adult children, says Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco Bay Area private psychologist and Council member. of Contemporary Families.
Parents are more inclined to repair these relationships because of the role they play and the shame and sadness that being estranged from a child can bring, Coleman explained.
"For siblings, you don't have the same expectations of keeping in touch," says Coleman, author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict."
"Siblings don't have the same kind of role violation that can produce shame that can serve as a motivator or push toward reparation."
Distancing or ending a relationship with a sibling may still seem difficult or embarrassing, but people who take the first step to walk away feel there are benefits, according to Coleman.
"Assuming they have exercised due diligence and the (other) sibling is still unable or unwilling to modify or change their behavior, ending the relationship may be better for mental health than continuing it," Coleman says.
For those cases that aren't so clear cut, Coleman has some guiding principles for when the relationship is worth saving and when it's best to cut ties.
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This conversation has been edited and abbreviated for clarity.
CNN: What are the most common triggers for sibling estrangement?
Coleman:
Typical reasons for sibling rifts or estrangement to begin include perceived or objectively differential treatment by parents, which may cause one sibling to become estranged because they feel less valued.
A history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by a sibling can be traumatizing, especially if they have not made amends or if the injured sibling has not been able to forgive.
Sibling rivalries—sometimes sparked by one feeling jealous or threatened by the other's success—can also drive a wedge.
Sometimes a sibling may start out by distancing himself from his parents, but if the other sibling doesn't side with him or criticize his distancing, it can lead to a feeling of, "Well, you're either for me or against me."
"People don't know the effort I've made to resolve this in private," Prince Harry says about his relationship with his father and brother
CNN: What is the first step in a repeated conflict?
Coleman:
You have to do your due diligence in the relationship, in the sense that you have to give people the opportunity to make amends and communicate your needs in a way that really invites self-reflection and empathy on the other person's part, instead of more pain and defensiveness.
You may feel hurt, ashamed, humiliated, criticized, or diminished by your sibling's behavior.
I think it's reasonable, then, to say, "I need you to change this to continue to have a relationship with me. I think what I'm asking is very reasonable, and I'd rather we change the way we communicate. Maybe there are things you want me to work on as well." But I'm starting to feel that if this isn't something that you're able to work to tweak, I need to be out of touch for maybe a significant period of time with you."
Altering or ending a sibling relationship can have painful consequences, so keep these factors in mind before you decide.
Credit: KMPZZZ/Adobe Stock
Certainly someone who is abusive is out of control and requires strong boundaries to counter their behavior.
That is not to say that they should never be given the chance to make amends or reconcile, but only after they have shown a willingness to commit to making amends and changing.
CNN: When is it worth mending the relationship?
Coleman:
When estranged siblings seek reconciliation, one person is typically more motivated than the other to heal and therefore takes a leadership role in mending the dynamic, showing empathy, being willing to make amends, or taking responsibility. , etc.
If the other person shows genuine empathy and is willing to not get defensive, to commit to change, to respect your boundaries or the requirements of a healthy relationship, those really are the key ingredients of any healthy relationship that needs repair.
Prince Harry says in his new book that his brother William is his "archenemy"
CNN: When is it best to cut ties?
Coleman:
I have a hard time answering that question because I think our culture is too supportive and too quick to cut ties, so each person has to make that decision for themselves.
When someone considers something this important, it requires a degree of self-reflection.
Are you too sensitive with everyone?
Are you constantly "ghosting" people in all aspects of your life?
Do you accuse everyone of “gaslighting” or manipulation if they disagree with your perception of events?
Are you leaving one more person aside because you don't tolerate conflicts?
Sometimes taking a break from the relationship can be helpful if you feel too caught up in it to be able to separate your own identity from what triggers you.
For some people, a period of distance where they are not constantly being provoked or reminded of things about themselves that they don't like or bother can be helpful.
Assuming you've gone through all the other due diligence steps, sometimes ending contact for a while can be a good wake-up call for that sibling.
CNN: How much grace or trial time should be given?
Coleman:
No one is going to be 100% perfect once new limits are set.
The goal is to agree that the new dynamic will work together, because perhaps the person engaging in the hurtful behavior is not aware of it or needs ongoing education.
Give it at least a few months, during which you can continue to discuss and report back after the interactions.
You can say, "I think it went really well. However, I get provoked or upset when you start defending Mommy and Daddy to me or get competitive with me about something."
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CNN: How should you distance yourself or end the relationship?
Coleman:
Say, "I feel like I've tried to explain to you the problems I see in the relationship, and give you the opportunity to respond or work on them. And I get the feeling that you haven't been able or motivated to do so, so It lessens my desire to spend time with you. So, for now, I'd like to take a break from the relationship. And I'll let you know if or when that changes."
CNN: What do people often experience after changing or breaking up a sibling relationship, and how can they cope?
Coleman:
Typically, the person who ended the relationship isn't in as much pain as the person they've been estranged from.
The person ending the relationship may feel relieved or happy.
However, it is not always all positive.
Ending the relationship means that we not only lose touch with the parts we don't like, but also with the ones we do.
There may be a feeling of loss or sadness at leaving or acknowledging that the person may not be willing to change.
They may also feel shame and guilt if other family members are upset with them or pressure them to get back in touch.
Remind yourself of the effort you put in and that if you feel ashamed of your decision, you are only adding insult to injury.
You gave that person a reasonable amount of time to do their due diligence, so it's not something you did capriciously or selfishly.
CNN: What if the estrangement causes problems with other family members?
Coleman:
Empathize with his pain, but say firmly that you have tried very hard to get your brother to respond to you in a different way, but he hasn't wanted to or couldn't, so this is not a decision you made lightly.
You cannot maintain a relationship with your brother because your father or mother wants to.
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