The return of the Tinder scammer to our lives in the form of a two-part investigation by Chaim Atgar, made me wonder again what secrets people hide from their partners, and at what point the concealment is considered fraud or impersonation.
And what about me and my partner?
Until after our second date, for example, I didn't know that my current partner had children.
After he told me, I remember being scared, not by the children but by their very hiding.
That's also what I told him then.
Something like, "It worries me to think what else you are hiding, and if I see you one day at Haim Etgar's."
He laughed at me for being dramatic, and I laugh at him to this day, for introducing me to the tactics of crooks.
I still stand by the fact that "plus two" is information that should appear in the profile on the dating app, even before the first meeting.
Along with this, after searching and finding out what others are hiding from their husbands and partners, you can say that I got into proportions.
All the names in the article are fictitious, understandably.
Or as Tali, our first interviewee, told me, "After all, I cheated on my husband with Kokilid, I have to be seen in public afterwards."
Ice cream (Photo: ShutterStock)
When my husband and I met, he said he only dates vegans," says Tali, now in her thirties. But then she was 25 years old, young single in a tough dating market and vegan for a month "mainly for trend reasons." "I said to myself, 'I'm quite a vegetarian anyway, I'll try veganism,'" she says. "After a month when I started trying veganism, I registered on the website and wrote that I was vegan, after all, I've been vegan for a month," she laughs at herself, "so why not."
He was about the same age, a vegan from Gil 15 and a former human rights activist, and their dates went great. While they were skipping between the best vegan restaurants in Tel Aviv, Tali had no idea how much this commitment could complicate her later. Romeo and Juliet, Tel Aviv 2014.
The problem started when the relationship became serious.
"We talked about it, and he said that, in his home, he is not ready for animal products to enter," Tali recalls.
"That he is not ready to go out with someone who is not vegan, and that he actually found me because I listed that I am vegan, because he did a filter on OKCupid to find only vegans."
Oh, this man knows exactly what makes a woman feel special.
"I took a deep breath, and said that even though I started being vegan for other reasons, and it's not something I have a passion for or is particularly important to me, I'm willing to stay vegan for it."
But as is the nature of things we do and do for someone else, without an inner and deep commitment to speak, this hard diet was also going to crack.
Craving subdued her, and Tali began to sneak dairy products and eggs under the radar.
At the end of several months of secretly snacking, the secret was revealed in what will be remembered for the rest of the world as the Kokilida incident.
"Once I brought a coquilida and put it in the freezer, and I wanted to remember to eat and throw it away before it arrives," says Tali.
"But I forgot it was there, and a day or two later he discovered it in the freezer and had the 'conversation' with me."
Even before that, she clarifies, she felt bad about the concealment.
"I planned to tell him, and I hoped he would understand me, that I would apologize, make sure to be a 'good' vegan or that we would find some kind of solution," she says.
"I haven't had time to tell him yet - and he found out on his own."
As expected, Roy didn't take it well: "He explained to me that he was so hurt by my actions, and he doesn't know if he can trust me anymore, and he's not sure we can stay together, that he needs time to think about it, that he's not ready To be with a partner who eats things like that. He took it much harder than I could even imagine, it's like he stopped seeing me as a human being and was stuck on the fact that I cheated on him with Kokilid."
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I don't understand what your problem is with tofu (Photo: ShutterStock)
For two or three days, according to Tali, Roy became distant and withdrawn, and finally a circle of his vegan acquaintances also consulted on what to do.
"After a few days he spoke to me again, and said he was ready to forgive me if I promised I wouldn't do it again," says Tali.
"He listened to me and said that because it is so important to him, next time if I want pizza or ice cream or something, and it gets the better of me like that, I will talk to him, and he will make sure to help bring a vegan version of this thing."
Tali and Roy signed a sort of renewal of veganism vows, an agreement that lasted for two years.
"I was really proud of myself and my sacrifice for him, that's how I'm willing to be vegan for love, and if someone asked me if I was allowed something like this or that, a vegan doubt, I'd say, "Ask the rabbi - my husband." Cute or worrying, it's hard to decide.
And in truth, despite the harmony that seemingly prevailed between them, and despite the fact that Tali chose him correctly in all respects, her sacrifice began to ferment into a frustration that intensified in light of additional difficulties between them.
"I'm completely fed up with the concept," she summarizes simply.
"I decided to be a little more independent person, and not let him run over my desires or dictate to me what to do in this field and in others."
That's how you felt, that he was trampling on your desires?
Harsh words.
"I felt that he didn't see me in the relationship, what I wanted and needed. He would simply state one fact or another, and then - either I conform to it, or it doesn't fit. It seemed that there was only room for his way and how he sees things."
So how come you're still together?
What changed?
"We have been in the process for some time. Two years ago we started going to couples therapy, there are ups and downs, but we are trying. Yes, there is improvement, and it seems that the continuation of our relationship is not guaranteed, but we are really making a great effort and we see improvement. At home, the food is only vegan, and outside I I allow myself to eat other things as well and he knows it, even though he doesn't like it the most. I feel that over the years he has also moderated a bit and gained proportions, which is less terrible in his eyes, but it is completely not the ideal for him."
not be alone?
Margie, consider your words (Photo: ShutterStock)
When we move away from the story of Tali and Roy, beyond the cocooning details, at the end, we have here a classic marital rift on the background of ideology and worldview.
There is no shortage of such.
We also see this in couples where one party repents, initiates, switches sides on the political map or insists on raising the children this way and not another.
If you think about it that way, cheating with a coquillida doesn't sound so far-fetched.
But cheating with an apartment, you certainly haven't heard of that.
This is the story of Shay, who at the time hid from his partner the other apartment he owned apart from their shared apartment - just for Spice.
Today she is already an ex, but back then, they were both in a two-year relationship, live close and sleep together every night.
Moving to one apartment sounded like the obvious step, but Shay wasn't sure he wanted to.
"I tried to explain it but for her, it was either living together or breaking up," he says.
"I loved her, I didn't want us to break up."
Fears played a major role in Xi's decisions - both the fear that he would refuse the transition, and the fear of what would happen if he agreed.
"I tried to think what would happen if I moved in with her to the apartment she lives in, which is hers and not a rental, and then broke up. I would be left without a place and this unsettled me a bit."
She pressed, and finally he agreed.
Except for one thing: "I didn't tell her that I left my apartment in my possession. "I would stay at work to do 'overtime' or 'drop in with a friend to watch a game', when in reality I went to my apartment.
Once I even said that I was with friends on a trip to the Golan Heights just to spend a weekend alone in the apartment."
His partner's workplace at the time was very close to the same apartment, which made it difficult for him to realize the affair with his previous four walls.
"I would do a risk assessment - when does she leave work, when does she come back," he said.
"I had to make sure she wouldn't be in the area when I entered or left the apartment. It was something heavy to hide, but between me I loved the apartment and the time I had there alone. Because being alone in her apartment and being alone in my apartment - it was a completely different feeling."
Everyone and their therapy (Photo: ShutterStock)
When was the moment that you go for this crazy idea, to continue living in that apartment as well, in secret?
"Just before the move, she reminded me that next month I was moving and had to notify the owner of the apartment. So I knew I was continuing to pay rent as usual. I transferred some of my things to her, clothes and such, and I left the rest of my things in my apartment. I always told myself that if she had noticed If I hadn't transferred the books to her, she would have known that I still had my own place, because I had about 400 books and she never asked where they were."
This lack of attention in itself indicates a problem that was in the relationship, doesn't it?
"We had problems in the relationship, and maybe they led me to hide. In the end we also broke up because of gaps that could not be bridged, which were not related to the apartment. But yes, looking back with all the love and the time we were together, it was not a relationship that was completely good, and the fact that I did not trust The one that we would hold. Because the apartment was like insurance. That I would have somewhere to go if we broke up."
Today the ex knows, because Shay told her a little before the relationship completely collapsed.
"We had a serious fight," he recalled.
"I left in the middle of the night and didn't come back until morning. She asked where I slept and I told her, but she didn't believe me. I took her to the apartment, and showed her that most of my things were still there."
How does a partner even react when she finds out something like this?
"Anger, a lot of anger. Because it really was like a betrayal. Although not with someone else, but I hid something really big. In retrospect, I know it was an unhealthy relationship, and obviously if we got to this situation it would have been better to break up. With my current partner, obviously That won't happen."
Somewhat similar to the comic style in the story of Tali and Roy, a love between a coquilid lover and a turbo vegan, Jordan's story also sits on two opposite ends.
On the one hand, Jordan, addicted to theft ("not a kleptomaniac", she is precise, I have no idea what the difference is) and her partner at the time, Nimrod - a student of moral philosophy.
Sometimes I feel like kissing reality for the scripts it gives us by nature.
But when you get down to the bottom of the story, it is much less funny than its title.
You only steal a little, not in a professional way (Photo: ShutterStock)
"My psychologist defined it as a 'defense mechanism to avoid dealing with the trauma,'" Yordan explains.
At that time, Jordan was released from the "Eitanim" hospital for its horrors, being diagnosed as suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder due to an unknown and assumed childhood trauma.
For the difficulties that Jordan experienced, she found an outlet in petty thefts, without realizing at the time that there was a connection between the two, and unlike the story of the apartment, she did not excel at hiding it.
"He would see that there were new things and ask where the money came from, because I wasn't working at the time," says Yordan.
"Every time I would find something new and say, 'Buy it for me,' 'I found it on the street,' like that for a year, until we broke up. I would excuse it to myself as an active struggle against capitalism."
what would you steal
expensive things?
"The first theft was at the age of 17, a chain from a cheap accessories store. I felt terrible and threw it in the trash. The addiction continued years later, and I don't remember most of what I stole. I would go on a kind of therapeutic theft spree about once or twice a week, mostly books, clothes and pizza "Stupid chips. Not diamonds and gold."
In the end, the two separated, according to Jordan due to her poor mental state, but Nimrod never found out about the thefts.
She did not tell anyone about the thefts, ("maybe only one friend", she qualifies), least of all her partner, the Doctor of Morals.
"I'm sure he would give me lectures and try to get me to stop, and I didn't really feel like stopping," Yordan explains. "He really liked to talk about morality."
Beyond that, she says, she did not see the thefts as a real problem, one that had to be overcome.
"I didn't want the relationship to revolve around something that, for me, was so minor. It was totally a symptom of something that needed to be addressed, but I don't think it was a problem in itself. I was bothered by other things."
And what about today, did you stop it?
"The theft problem has been solved, I haven't stolen in about two years. I've become addicted to alcohol, but I no longer steal from the rich."
I am?
I was born this way (Photo: Giphy)
Compared to this, the secret that Naomi, in her late thirties, still hides from her partner, sounds completely light.
And precisely because of this, it is interesting to understand why it was hidden for so long.
Before they met, she says, she went to one of those laser treatments that remove seventy percent of the body hair and leave very specific places as is the way of nature, in case the fashion changes ("And thank God for that," she says today).
It happened in her early twenties, when, she says, she denied the treatments to maintain the impression that she was born that way.
"Stupid," she concludes.
But this is not the only reason why she hid the cosmetic treatment she underwent from her new partner.
"In the ultra-orthodox society in which I grew up at the age of 20, the beauty model is mega-western," she explains.
"Many times a conservative society adopts beauty models from porn because there is no sequence of real women, only imaginary ones. I haven't seen porn, but that's how they talked about beauty - a girl without body hair and blonde. I think I understood in Chick that he was pro-nature at all - he was a man of the hills From Gush Etzion, a man of the land who appreciates natural beauty - and I asked myself what I had actually done. There is a situation where the desire to hide began."
And what about today?
Why not tell?
It might even be a little funny, telling him you hid it, wouldn't it?
"Today it seems to me a bit of a stupid secret, but I'm in favor of private areas in a relationship. It has value in my eyes. He does share my thoughts of increasing lips, so here, it's not all a secret. I may be ashamed of the totality of my thought then, that a woman should remove hair Before a wedding or a sexual encounter, and that I actually went and put money on it. Not because I want to and choose to, but because that's what everyone does and it's not a question at all. Regardless of that, maybe there are other places in me that want him to think that I'm beautiful and stunning and perfect and not aging. And I want to Also embrace it."
Her latest things are easy to identify with.
Neither she nor I belong to the new generation, which prides itself on lip injections and lip lifts and nose jobs and showcases the change in a Tiktok transition video.
We, Orthodox or secular members of the millennial generation, were taught that "real" beauty is one that comes completely from nature.
If you paid for something, it doesn't count, it's cheating.
More than that, excessive preoccupation with the exterior makes you superficial and pathetic, and even though you are required to live up to a rigid beauty standard, you are also required to do so by the way, class with zero effort.
These perceptions are so deeply rooted in us that they seem like an integral part of us, and we notice that we have held onto them only when a new world is revealed to us, in which something else is allowed.
We are overcome with embarrassment, and seek to leave behind our previous incarnation, surrendering to the herd.
Naomi mentions this embarrassment.
On the other hand, it seems that she hid the secret from herself more than from her partner.
If she had told him today, she told me later, he wouldn't have made a big deal out of it at all.
Wow, how long I've been waiting for this cigarette (Photo: ShutterStock)
This is not the case for Sivan, who came from an ultra-orthodox background and she also got married at the age of 20, and moved into a shared life that revealed growing gaps between her and her husband.
In the years before that, she says, she had already taken her first steps into the outside world.
"I started with a shaved head, continued with discarded skirts that sweep the floor, did national service and smoked a long Parliament Light."
The cigarettes are the ones that broke her intended husband, we will call him Moshe, for understandable reasons that transcend religion and belief.
"He said his parents were sick from too many cigarettes, which was true, and that it was a deal breaker for him," says Sivan.
She stopped smoking on the day of the wedding, but several years later, with the start of her undergraduate studies, she started smoking again.
At first she was shot by others, and then she bought her own packs and hid them in girlfriends' bags.
She was caught smoking while she was, she later discovered, pregnant with her second daughter.
"It was a disaster in his eyes, a betrayal," she describes.
"I stopped again, after all a pregnant woman, but I came back again a few years later."
In retrospect, she says, the smoking breaks were an escape and comfort from a marriage she didn't really want.
"The next time I was caught, I was already ready: I told him I was in favor of a divorce."
He was frightened and stopped his threats, but at this point, anyway, Sivan wanted a divorce.
Not because of that, but also actually.
"We divorced because of what it represented," she said.
"This man never tried to really get to know me or love who I really am. He caused me emotional, financial, social and family suffocation."
Today, says Sivan, she is married a second time, and this time happily, "to a man who thinks I'm sort of God," according to her.
"Burnt on his ass," she adds from Lititz, "he is a tremendous gift in my life."
"I don't believe at all that we need to know everything about each other."
Today she only smokes an electronic cigarette, and occasionally also a joint, with the man and we sat down.
In front of him, she says, there is no hiding.
"However, in favor of hiding things," she qualifies, similar to Naomi's words.
And following Sivan's words, maybe you don't need to tell each other everything, but if you feel and feel that you are required to hide from your spouse a heavy secret that is weighing on you, maybe you should re-examine the relationship.
After all, a healthy relationship shouldn't force you to keep a secret apartment in order to survive it.
Be honest, also for yourself, but also for your spouses.
They don't deserve to find out after a long time that they went out with Simon Leviv.
Sheee
sex and relationship
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