"Feel like a machine" – when dad is suddenly absent
Created: 01/16/2023, 10:48 am
Finding the right track together: After a serious loss, Nina Kandora (back) with her son Vin and daughter Davina (front) seek help from Heike Höhmann-Noll from the children and youth hospice service.
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Heike Höhmann-Noll from the outpatient children's and youth hospice service in Fritzlar/Northern Hesse has been with the Kandora family since 2022. The father of the family, Volkmar Kandora, died suddenly in 2021.
Fritzlar-Homberg – The life of Nina Kandora from Sondheim changed from one moment to the next in the summer of 2021: her husband Volkmar died suddenly at the age of just 49, reports hna.de.
As much as the loss hurts, the 34-year-old has to work: she has three children: Marvin (18), Davina (9) and Vin (7).
Vin, the youngest, suffers from a life-threatening illness.
Heike Höhmann-Noll from the outpatient children's and youth hospice service in Fritzlar/Northern Hesse has been with the family since 2022. She looks after Vin at least once a week, but is also the contact person for Nina Kandora and Davina's companion, who is also suffering greatly from the death of her father .
A conversation with Nina Kandora and Heike Höhmann-Noll.
Not only have you lost your husband, but now you have sole responsibility for the children. How are you with that?
Nina Kandora:
I feel like a machine that has to run.
In the past, everyday life was shared and decisions were made together.
That's all gone.
Davina suffers from fear of loss.
She wants me to go with her everywhere.
Vin lives in his own world, although of course he knew what happened.
The situation has now stabilized somewhat for us.
I can now go back to work for a few hours.
Homberg: Nina Kandora's husband died suddenly at the age of 49
Vin suffers from a life-threatening illness. How does it make itself noticeable?
Nina Kandora:
He suffers from the so-called Angelman syndrome, cannot walk and cannot speak.
There was also epilepsy.
This can occur at any time, even if it is well controlled with medication.
Vin doesn't sleep without medication.
It lacks the sleep hormone melatonin.
Despite the medication, he keeps waking up.
I can't sleep through the night.
But you have no professional help, such as a nursing service?
Nina Kandora:
No, I take care of him alone.
He's at the stage of a baby, you can't communicate with him.
He only eats with his hands, he doesn't want spoons and forks at all, he wants to take everything in his hands.
It is very typical of Angelman syndrome that these children laugh a lot.
That's why Vin is a sunshine and his laugh is contagious and brings a smile to your face.
Whenever he cries, there really is something.
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How did you find out about the outpatient children and youth hospice service?
Nina Kandora:
By Christine Wagner-Behrend from the “Intensive Living” association in Kassel.
She gave me advice and support, even when it happened to my husband.
Father died suddenly: He leaves behind three children
How is Vin currently?
Nina Kandora:
His condition is stable, he can't walk, but he can sit, and he rolls through the apartment and then clears everything that's in his way (laughs).
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
In the time that I've been here, progress can be seen very clearly.
With support he stands and he can sit alone.
I also have the feeling that he recognizes me and responds when spoken to.
Ms. Höhmann-Noll, how is the support, what are you doing with Vin?
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
He's at school in Homberg all morning, I like going out with him in the afternoon.
I have a feeling he likes it a lot.
I often sing something to him.
However, he prefers rap music.
Unfortunately, I can't help with that (laughs).
Vin loves everything that flashes or rustles.
And he loves lights.
In the summer we went on trips to the summer toboggan run and to the swimming pool.
Ms. Kandora, is the accompaniment a relief?
Nina Kandora:
Yes, above all I can deal with Davina because there is someone else for Vin.
Davina was a father's child - and suddenly he's gone... The whole family benefits from the company.
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
Davina's dad was very skilled with his hands and sewed, among other things.
When I told her that I have a sewing machine at home, she was very enthusiastic.
We'll maybe sew at my house now.
But you really have to let Davina decide for herself what she wants.
Nina Kandora:
She would also like to do things that her father did... She mourns him and sometimes she tries to test boundaries.
It's very difficult to find the right way.
And there is nobody left who supports the decisions, with whom you can exchange ideas.
A big concern is that I would have to stay in the hospital longer with Vin.
I don't know who should take care of Davina.
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
That's definitely an ever-lurking fear for Nina... what will happen to the children if I don't function?
After sudden death: Support from the outpatient children and youth hospice service in Fritzlar/Northern Hesse
When you meet them, you get the feeling that you have the right chemistry.
Nina Kandora:
(laughs) Yes!
We didn't look for each other, but we found each other.
It's super nice that Heike is by our side, in an almost motherly way.
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
That's a wonderful compliment.
I have the impression that we are very familiar.
We are on the same wavelength and accept life as it is.
I have great respect for Nina because she accepts her situation as it is and does not feel sorry for herself.
I want to be a good companion, but I don't interfere without being asked.
Nina Kandora:
Everything just fits!
I'm so happy with the situation.
Ms. Höhmann-Noll, what does the support mean to you, what do you take away from it?
Heike Höhmann-Noll:
I was looking for something where I could contribute my strengths.
I can deal well with children, am communicative and have something to offer.
That's the right job for me here in the family.
Nina and I often find parallels in our conversations and that connects us.
(Heinz Rohde)