In the daily life of maternity and paternity it is normal and expected to notice the
blows that boys give when they are little
.
Although phrases such as "you shouldn't hit" or "hitting is wrong" abound, behind these reactions there are several issues to analyze.
The slaps and kicks are only visible expressions that something much deeper
is happening to that boy or girl
.
"Hitting is only a consequence: if we really want to know what is happening to our son, the challenge is not to focus on the behavior but on the cause,"
the psychologist, specialist in parenting ,
Sofía Lewicki explained to
Clarín
.
The four reasons why young children hit
Hitting is a visible expression that something much deeper is happening to that boy or girl.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
The specialist, author of
Tan mal si salmos.
How to stop educating to start raising
(Planet), she mentioned four fundamental reasons why young children tend to hit.
1- Their prefrontal cortex is not developed
: this means that boys cannot yet express their emotions in words.
So, they respond from their reptilian brain, whose responses are automatic and instinctive.
Sometimes they can hit because their basic satisfactions are not satisfied.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
2- Hitting is the way of expressing their emotions
: directly related to the previous cause, it means that when a child hits it may be because they are angry, frustrated, hurt, or annoyed, and they express it through an action.
For example, a child who is teething may manifest her pain by hitting and/or biting.
3- Their basic satisfactions are
not satisfied: needs such as eating, sleeping, being clean or being able to move are not covered.
4- Other specific issues
: this reason refers to more specific features of family dynamics.
For example, the child may be defending himself against something.
For children, hitting is the way to express their emotions.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
How to accompany children who hit
Not only is it expected that boys and girls use the hit against another person to express themselves, but they can also hit themselves.
In this context, Lewicki (on Instagram, @soymamaypsicologa) highlighted a series of actions that can help mothers and fathers in the face of these reactions.
1- Validate your emotions
By giving children's emotions an entity, what is being offered to them is the future possibility that they will be able to express their
anger or discomfort
in words .
“It is worth the effort, because you are teaching him to process emotions, to tell him that it is valid to feel what he feels.
The basis for a child to be able to trust their mother or father with their feelings, from the most banal to the deepest, is knowing that despite not feeling or having done what the other would like, they will continue to be loved and respected," said the psychologist.
By validating their emotions, what they are taught is the future possibility that they will be able to express their anger or discomfort in words.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
2- Be flexible and offer options
Faced with the blow, alternatives can be offered such as
hitting a chair or a cushion
, going for a walk or even dancing.
Many times, the specialist pointed out, they need adults to show them in the first person how to do it (for example, hitting the cushion themselves).
3- Do not punish
"When we punish, deny, respond in the same way or get angry with them, we are restricting something as valuable as being able to express their emotions," the author said.
This leads to boys and girls
losing the opportunity to recognize what they feel
, but it also leads to the fact that as adults they are offered tools to process their emotions in a different way.
Lewicki stressed that, "in addition, we lose one of the most valuable things that a father can have with his son:
trust
."
According to her, "today's tantrum is tomorrow's lie."
“In this act of not listening, of denying ourselves, of getting angry and punishing, we are losing the possibility of being a safe place for them, which can lead to when they are older they tend to hide their emotions and do not want to tell us anything about what What's wrong with them," he closed.
4- Go down to his height and understand
The child is learning and it is the responsible adults who must teach them how to react.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
A fundamental step is to understand that the boy or girl is learning and that it is the responsible adults who must teach them to react in a different way.
5- Be consistent as references
To address the situation, it is necessary to make an exhaustive observation of oneself and of all the members of the family, since sometimes a blow is not about the response to a frustration but about
reproducing what the child sees in his adult references
.
6- Put the body
If the boy or girl hits more and more, it is necessary to put the body.
This, explained the psychologist, means that you have to hold his hands gently, talk to him and contain him, either with a hug, upa or in the way the boy allows it.
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