A surrogate, a sexologist and a teacher explain why we have such a hard time with vulva - voila! Sheee

The vulva post may have come up in my conversations more this week than any post ever published.

The reference is, of course, to the post put up by the Lyric sexuality instructor Amber Dewey, in which she proudly told that she exposed her vagina to thirty men in order to teach them, as a service to the straight public, everything there is to know about the female genital organ when they come to the bedroom.

"How amazing, wow," Sivan, my friend, told me when we met at the bar at the end of that week.

I was a little embarrassed, because my reaction was reserved, to say the least.

When I first came across the phrase, "This is me, showing 30 men my vulva," my eyes rolled back until they gave fun to repressed childhood traumas.

But Sivan wasn't scared at all.

"It's about time someone did it," she continued.

"Yes", I agreed with her, in order to preserve my liberal title, and then I added, cautiously: "Doesn't it seem a bit excessive to you, to expose your vulva for 'educational needs', so-called?".

"I wouldn't do it," Sivan shrugged her shoulders, "but still, how amazing she is!".

"And if the post was gender reversed," I asked, "would you still take it as fun?"

"No," answered Sivan, but not for the reason I thought: "Because it would be simply impudent on their part to think that we need to be taught how to manipulate this stupid organ of theirs. What else is there to learn?".

WTF?

Ofir Segersky (Photo: Courtesy of those photographed, Sharon Binyamin)

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During the conversation I went back to that post and read it again.

Strange, strange that it bothers me.

Bivalence is very strange.

After all, I myself, and I talked about it freely, go to parties and BDSM meetings, where it is not uncommon to find a woman exposing her genitals to everyone and also to see multiple sexual activities.

Beyond that, as we recently learned, this world is also not free from the destruction of the soul.

So what's the point, really?

Why do I accept public sexuality with equanimity here, and there it undermines my foundations?

Where did Puritanism come from?

In that post, consent was discussed more than once, as well as a detailed explanation given to each of the participants.

Everyone knew very well what they were coming for.

The sexual instruction does not include contact, and the stripper sits, according to the photo, at a considerable distance from the students.

She sounds lovely, to be honest.

If so, what bothers me?

Maybe it's the suddenness with which this vulva jumps forward, on the first sentence, without warning.

Maybe it's the multitude of vagina workshops that flooded my feed in recent years, as a full-fledged Tel Avivite, and I got a little fed up with it, a little to the point of nausea, like someone who came across a McDonald's commercial after a whole year of eating only McNuggets.

Bring a salad please.

Maybe it's disgust from me even, from my younger self that looks at me from the character of Amber-Dewey, who for years sat on the title "The Bold" and published sex accessory review videos, until this topic came out of all the holes, and no hole jokes, please, I don't have the strength for it.

And maybe it's something else, completely different.

I contacted sexologist Dr. Daniel Dray to find out what was so upsetting to me, us, about the vagina post, and whether we are simply too conservative - or is there a real reason for concern. Dr. Dray, for his part, looks at the uproar with amusement.

"My first reaction to the post was - it's amazing that even in 2023 we are still surprised and that nudity moves us so much," he said.

"Despite the massive use of porn, we still get excited about half a nipple escaping from a swimsuit. Also, it's amazing to think what the difference actually is between someone who models naked, which is exciting but acceptable, and someone who opens her legs in front of thirty men? What's the difference?".

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Dr. Daniel Dry (photo: yes)

I suppose that nude modeling, if we mean a nude-model, is still considered work for a noble cause - art.

To open your legs to explain about sex, it sounds different to us.

Perhaps unjustified.

"If we want to teach about the female genitalia, apart from the ethical problem, showing someone naked is clearly the best method. There is a big blind spot here for men, and also for women. By the way, she could have performed the same action in front of women, and they had a lot of What to learn. I'm not sure about thirty men, maybe a more detailed explanation would be more effective, but in my opinion it can be very, very helpful, a great method. You can also learn through pictures, drawings - but there is no substitute for reality. It's not exactly new either: there are also Tantra groups and spiritual groups, all kinds of workshops where they do things like that, where everyone looks at the other's genitals."

Dr. Dry's last words managed to touch, perhaps, the edge of the subject that bothers me. Tantra, spiritual groups, sexual workshops, all these words turn on a trigger warning for me. I like things that are clear, defined, without room for questions and interpretations. Therefore, among other things , the world of BDSM fascinated me, although again, we recently learned that even there boundaries are crossed, and that there are those who don't believe in them at all. I do, I'm a big believer in boundaries. Within them it's easier for me to break free and improvise, in sex a bit like in stand-up. About In any case, and without dismissing or detracting from the horrible experiences other women have gone through, my experience in the world of control felt mostly safe, and more than that, bright. In my few interactions with the world of sacred sexuality, however, I experienced a blurring of the boundaries that clouded peace. Never really It's clear what it is: treatment, study, sex - what do we do now? Everything together, there is no black and white, we are all one big, pulpy and sticky human tissue, God, keep where is the door to the outside.

"I would very much like to think of myself as a liberal," I tell the doctor, "but there is something that bothers me about mixing studies and treatment with sexuality."

"Obviously," he replies, "because there are all kinds of stories about tantra of 'peeling back the layers' and then they all undress and touch. And it happens that someone suddenly wakes up, and rightfully so, because he was not mentally prepared, and finally experiences it as an experience of rape. This also exists . That's why you have to do these things with a lot of caution. That's why I also say, the method of exposing the genital organ has the potential to be ethically problematic, but from an educational point of view, it can be very helpful. Even with doctors, sorry for the comparison, they learn about corpses."

I would like to break down the ethical problem into its components.

After all, on the face of it, if you go back and read the post after drinking a glass of water, the boundaries are clear and defined.

On one side of the room - exposing vulva, on the other side - pupils.

The distance is clear, the space is clear.

In a clarification post published by Amber-Dewey afterwards, she explains that each guide is accompanied by an assistant who takes care of her personal safety, and the two guides accept the participants after they filter them through a strict process that includes a written questioning and an individual phone call.

They do not please themselves during the demonstration and do not bring themselves to sexual stimulation.

So everything sounds fairly clean and fair, but Dr. Dry warns, "A feeling of exploitation can always arise in the patient or therapist, and there is no way to really know when this feeling will arise." According to him, in principle ("I'm not saying specifically about it," he emphasizes), it could be argued that she enjoys the exposure in a sexual way, so the potential for blurring the boundaries exists.

Because surfing to problematic areas happens very easily.

But there is no doubt that the concept she proposes is an interesting concept."

Maya the Surrogate (name, fake, even more fake photo) (Photo: ShutterStock)

Regarding the gender question, Sivan Socii will be happy to hear that the doctor's answer is similar to hers.

"Even if a man were to show his bulbul it would probably be interesting, but with the woman, all the systems are hidden," he explains, and anyone who hasn't heard Dr. Dry say bulbul in a French accent, doesn't know what he's missing. "The woman's genital organ It is special: most of the time it is closed, there are big lips that cover the small ones - and suddenly everything is open.

And then you find out that you still don't see much," he laughs. "You see a small part of the clitoris, 3% of it, and the rest is inside.

You can't see where the pee comes from, because you can't see the opening of the urethra.

You don't see the hole of the vagina, because it's not really a hole, so you don't really see there either - but you only see that you're next to the real thing.

So this is actually where another problem begins."

The discourse on the limits of training and treatment leads us to reflect on the surrogate profession, in which women are used as a kind of alternative spouses, for a limited period of time, for men who have difficulty maintaining romantic and sexual relationships with women.

As part of being "partners" they also have sex with the patients, which draws a lot of criticism towards the method.

In the eyes of many, surrogate women are practically escort girls.

Dr. Dray, for his part, strongly opposed the method when he came to Israel, sometime in the late nineties, when according to him the method gained great popularity. In a surrogate," he said. "On the other hand I say, we are a very puritanical country anyway, so who am I to say 'don't do it'.

Although it's a bit problematic in my eyes."

Maya (pseudonym) has been working as a surrogate for over a decade, within the sexual therapy center of Ronit Aloni, the pioneer in the field of surrogacy in Israel and, according to Aloni, also the only one who deals in the field according to global ethical rules.

She also came across the post in question, and according to her, she was deeply impressed by the courage and innovation.

"And although it's very positive in my eyes," she qualifies, "I agree with the voices that say it's too soon, too big for our conservative country."

explain

"In Israel there is a strong influence of religion, even on completely secular people who will not admit it. The taboo on sexuality comes from there. We are stuck a bit, and in my opinion it is not going to get better, on the contrary. I think she could have done it in a gentler and easier to digest way In terms of how she communicated it to the outside world, even though the workshop itself sounds amazing. The thing itself is sacred to me."

Why holy?

"Let's just say that where I am, I see how much suffering people experience from the distance we have from sexuality and the brainwashing we go through around it. We are told it is repulsive and disgusting. Which is strange, because we all love sex, right? But the first thing we are told when we are caught touching ourselves , the fact that it is dirty and not beautiful and yuck. And I think, what an amazing world we would have without all this poison around. Besides, the inequality between the sexes in my opinion creates a lot of problems in sexuality between men and women today. If women had the legitimacy to be more sexual, men would have less A yoke on the back - to initiate, do and pursue. In a more symmetrical and reciprocal world there would also be less violence."

I'm sure there are many raised eyebrows towards you, but not only out of conservatism.

There is also a real fear of exploitation.

"I came to this job out of love for her. I don't feel like I'm being paid for such and such acts, but for my time, and of course I choose whether to take a patient or not. And what Liri does, in contrast, there is no contact. She doesn't touch herself either, she Just shows how things look, so I don't see how there can be exploitation here. There were people who responded to her that it was dangerous for her, but I think it's just an excuse to be angry."

What, like the "you're fat and it's unhealthy" people?

"exactly".

Dr. Ronit Aloni, director of the treatment center where Maya works, which is part of the "Ishi" clinic for sexual and marital therapy in the Naut Afka neighborhood in Tel Aviv, reveals that Amber-Divy is her student. In fact, these days the student is still studying in the course taught by Dr. Aloni , "Sex, Sexuality and What's Between Them", at Tel Aviv University. "The first moment I saw the post, I was a bit shocked," admits the qualified therapist. "I read them and the comments, and slowly I came to terms with it." And what is her consolidated opinion? To the lecturer, Dr. Aloni's answer spans the world and begins in distant cultures.

"The more I delve into this, the more I see that culture is the main influence on human sexuality: the limitations that culture places on us or what it allows us," asserts Dr. Aloni. As part of her research, she also learned about Tirilinian cultures, where women form the center of society. , according to her, we see in women sexuality in its authentic form and less of the sexuality that aims to please men. "When we talk from this direction, we look at female sexuality in a completely different way than we know it in Western culture, whose purpose is mainly for sexual satisfaction, as part of the marital contract," she signs off.

Sr. Ronit Aloni (Photo: Courtesy of those photographed, Ruth Cohen)

It has a variety of meanings.

One of them is that sexuality in tertiary societies is not only used for sexual relations.

Take a moment to digest this sentence.

For example, on the island of Java in Indonesia, women conduct singing and sexual rituals called warangana, which aim to practice the ability of men to restrain themselves.

"The women sing and dress seductively, not in the sense we think," according to Dr. Aloni. "Everything is sexy - the words, the movements.

And the men who listen.

Their goal is to listen and not be tempted, and those who are tempted become ridiculed by society, and those who hold back gain fame.

It serves society in the sense that when restraint is practiced, society is less violent."

Just before I wonder out loud how this relates to our topic, Dr. Aloni closes the circle, and says, "I want to see this workshop in this context." Suddenly the ideas begin to connect with me, and I begin to get to the bottom of her mind. Women who mobilize their biological sexuality, and there are 30 men here who learn about female sexuality, study, listen, see and ask," she continues. "There is a kind of distance that is maintained, and a process of respectful social construction, which teaches people to see the other and not just themselves.

In that sense I give them credit.

They are two professional women who went through a process of learning and took the process to this place."

To teach restraint and listening, I understand that. But why is it actually important to you to demonstrate on the organ itself, and not be satisfied with, for example, a model?

"The living body is a different experience from a doll or a model, no matter how close to reality it may be. Today, men's learning is mainly through porn, and it is not close to reality in sailing. So here there is something that is real. In the color, shape, texture, shine. They see an organ not Tightened, not made up, not in Photoshop. Everyone sees porn, and it's garbage. Here you see two women who do something sensitively, thoughtfully, in the process. Why is it better to see distorted and engineered? We are two-faced, with a double standard."

You were also shocked at first.

Why?

"In the first moment, you're in the market - it's more reminiscent of a scene of sexual exploitation than an educational scene. But when you think about it for a moment, then you can get out of our templates and initial reactions and look at it more deeply and think more and get out of the stereotypes that we think in. And this is probably not suitable for all men, But at least for some of them it will clear their heads in a very positive way."

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• vulva

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