How to make it easier for children to accept their new stepfathers and stepmothers

Classic tales, like

or

, have done a disservice to the fame of stepmothers and stepfathers.

There are even studies in this regard, such as that of Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist and disciple of Sigmund Freud, who wrote the treatise

In his work, he concludes that stepmothers and stepfathers (but, above all, the first ones) have a negative connotation for the child, since the mother-child attachment is deeper than in the case of the fathers, due to the bond that is created from the very beginning. pregnancy.

“The general dynamic that usually occurs in this type of reconstituted family is that the bond between the child and the parent who no longer lives with him is broken and a dynamic is created in which the stepmother or stepfather wants to be loved to guarantee the commitment with the partner, which creates rejection in the minor”, ​​explains the child and adolescent psychologist Pilar Muñoz.

Each family in which a new adult is integrated (the new partner of the child's father or mother) is different and follows its own process of adaptation to the new situation, but there are factors that facilitate or complicate this family restructuring.

Muñoz points to them: “The personality of the child influences, because there are more reticent.

And there are also more complicated ages, such as adolescence.

Other issues that facilitate a more fluid coexistence are the social skills of the child, such as their communication skills and their empathy, as well as the fact that there are other children of a similar age in the new family”.

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For the expert, adults play a fundamental role in the constitution of the new family nucleus: “The better the agreement between the biological parents, the better the child adapts to the stepparents.

The type of bond between the child and her biological mother also influences.

If it is a healthy attachment it is easier, but also more difficult, because they will see the stepmother as a figure of complementary authority, but not a substitute”.

Becoming the stepfather or stepmother of a family that already has its own history and previous biography is not easy, but it is possible to achieve a good integration.

“Everything is easier when the biological parents do not want to destroy or attack the new partners of the father or mother of their children.

It is convenient to have the approach that each part fulfills a precious and precise function to raise the children”, continues Muñoz.

From the evil stepmother to a valuable support

A common mistake of the new couples of parents with children is to want to fulfill the role of father or mother of the children.

For the psychologist, this function does not correspond to them, since they are not the ones who establish the norms.

"Their job would be to provide support or complementary help, which does not mean becoming a colleague of the child to get the approval of the couple," adds the expert.

She also points out the importance of patience with minors in the process of adapting to the new family situation and that once their trust is achieved, they do not betray themselves.

Communication is another fundamental piece to facilitate adaptation to the new family context, which comes from a previous separation from the parents that the children have to come to accept.

It is important that the parents have been able to reach agreements, regardless of how their relationship ends.

"It is convenient to focus on their tasks, such as upbringing, care, rules, limits, the residence of the children or economic issues, because they are no longer a couple, but they will always be parents," says Sara del Pie, health psychologist and family therapist, who emphasizes that the arrival of a new member to the family requires a progressive process of acclimatization.

Something that can be favored, initially, with playful group activities, such as excursions.

"Without forgetting," continues Del Pie,

For children under the age of seven, discussions about the new family situation can take place during playtime and daily routines, such as bath time.

In the case of adolescents, it is advisable to frame them at times when they are not aware of other activities, the psychologist recommends.

In addition, Del Pie argues that several aspects should be made clear: "The new couple does not come to replace the child's father or mother and that relationship is yet to be built, so each member must decide what type of link they want to establish with the other." ”.

The usual feelings of the child towards the new partner of his parents are diverse.

“There is curiosity, suspicion or guilt for believing that their mother or father has been betrayed and, although the children do not always have to like the newcomer, it is important that there is respect in coexistence”, recommends the psychologist Gema José Moreno, who highlights the difference that exists when integrating this vital situation according to the age of the child.

As he explains, minors tend to better accept the inclusion of a new adult in the family when they are younger —between the ages of three and seven—, but the situation tends to get more complicated when they grow up.

"In the case of preadolescents, they tend to feel mistrust, and young people aged 15 and over generally reject the situation, because they are in the process of developing their personality and identify more with their peers than with their family," he says. the expert.

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