Necessary or harmful: the two faces of loneliness and 5 tips for living with it

I feel like the turtle got away.

It happens that in my newly printed book and soon to appear in Argentina (already circulating in Spain),

, I did not talk about loneliness.

Loneliness, an experience

that today it takes on a special meaning socially after the pandemic!

Loneliness, that

that compares us with the absolute vulnerability and weakness of being human beings initially alone, helpless.

But that can also invite us to connect without filters or deceit with the depth of ourselves, outside of labels and deceptive facades.

Our 5-day silent retreats have, for example, the experience of being alone, of solitude.

It is a strong moment at the beginning, because it is not allowed to talk to other people in any space and people rest in individual rooms.

The food is in silence, the practices only have the guidance of the instructors, and the space in contact with nature must do without everything: cell phones, talks.

The first two days are usually the most difficult, until one enters into the

, of contemplating, leaving a bit of doing.

But it is a solitude with meaning, with purpose: that of self-discovery.

And it is "accompanied" loneliness because, in some way, other people are searching and experiencing similar processes to ours.

.

The word "solitude" comes from the Latin solitas and means "quality of being without anyone else."

Photo Shutterstock.

With no one but yourself

The word "solitude" comes from the Latin

and means "quality of being without anyone else."

Its lexical components are: solus (only), plus the suffix -dad (quality).

This is how my mother, Mirtha Godoy, who has a degree in philosophy and lives in Córdoba, explains it to me.

Regarding its meaning, according to Mirtha, "we can say that it is double: there are those who seek it because they feel good in it or for some special reason (religious, for example) and others who suffer from it either due to the loss of a loved one or other personal matters.

Philosophy and psychology deal with it mainly, but it is also very important in literature, and clearly that reminds me of one of my favorite books,

, by the teacher Gabo (Gabriel García Márquez).

"In philosophy it has always been a very important topic -continues Mirtha-. I usually repeat that in the work of the authors their life, their experiences are revealed. I read a phrase there that expresses it by saying: 'All those who have written about loneliness they have ever felt. That is why loneliness is a human philosophical problem. That is, it is man who poses the problem and existentialist philosophers speak of it as

."

As I read your message, a reflection on that dichotomy of

, of withdrawing into the privacy of oneself-turning outwards, as some of the great ways to contrast loneliness with other very human experiences as well. .

"I think the position of Ortega y Gasset, a current of vitality, which has a very particular vision, seems important. It says 'human life, because it is non-transferable, is

,' Mirtha points out.

"This radical loneliness turns it into a drama from birth. This loneliness is always the loneliness of someone or something, it is being left alone and missing. What is missing? The company of others. And this can be overcome through

. Only in this way can one see the positive aspect that allows the humanization of the spiritual subject open to love and to the encounter of others", he concludes.

Many people "live with their partners or families, but alone," says Dugarte.

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Loneliness and its evolution in the cycle of life

I tell you that I studied stand up and prepared a performance related to my recent 50's. It's called "I'm a new teenager".

There I explain that after raising my children, developing my professional activity for several years and living the profound experience of half a life ,

myself, transform myself, because I still have a lot to live (I hope so).

Several philosophers and psychologists have talked about this.

Harari himself says that human life has undergone such profound transformations that today we have been able to extend our life expectancy incredibly and that makes us go through more existential crises.

But the stand up and many other things were searches associated with that new version of mine that I'm building.

In a moment of crisis and uncertainty, I felt

and mental patterns that kept me in an unwanted place.

Loneliness has that gift: it violently tears you from the comfort of your mind, from your alleged certainty, but it is not subtle: it is

and, if you don't find a way to navigate it, harmful.

That is why after the pandemic we have observed how cases of anguish, anxiety and depression have increased in our patients, and it is there where loneliness is an inevitable part of these symptoms.

When we receive a person who is feeling lonely, we have an immense opportunity to help them change their mental patterns and perhaps explore new behaviors for their lives, because they are

.

However, it may also be that this person, if he does not have a secure base of trust in his resources or his ties are very impoverished, sees himself slide endlessly down

.

loneliness and depression

Loneliness can be very close to transformation, but also to depression, isolation, pain.

Human beings are social beings, we need the tribe and reciprocity (some brain theories say that the human frontal lobe expanded from

beings of the species).

There are stages where this can feel very special.

One of them is adolescence, where the

that begins with the body but continues through the mind and social ties puts each young person in the face of the great dilemma of moving forward confidently on that path or zigzagging it in fits and starts without a clearer purpose or destiny.

The adolescent has this enormous challenge of facing himself through the incredible budding potential that is his biology and his brain.

But that itself can overwhelm you.

Being alone in the face of this challenge is

, and for this reason groups of friends and your family are key in functioning as support and support for this unfolding process.

Another moment where the experience of loneliness makes itself felt is in

, the one that I mentioned that it is my turn to live.

My dear friend Sandra Dugarte, who is in charge of the MOONSIS space (a space to prepare and accompany women over 40 in their transition to menopause), a native of Colombia, first gives us something that has to do with the condition of being a woman and then that itself added to the climacteric, where the experience of loneliness that hurts is sharpened.

"We know that women have a longer life expectancy than men, which will bring in those additional years more health problems, worsening economic conditions and

", says Sandra.

​"An important aspect is unwanted loneliness in women, since it can increase due to inequalities from the gender perspective, due to their

, which can be complicated if that woman exercises alone or mostly alone the care of her children after a divorce, or the care of their parents, which can even reduce the chances that that woman, if she wishes, can establish a new relationship," he continues.

And he acknowledges that "unfortunately the role of caregiver is not always reciprocal for the moment in which they need to be cared for, either because many do not allow themselves to ask for help or because they will not find someone who offers to do it."

With regard to menopause, she adds that it is a normal stage in women's lives that brings

the second part of life, "but that is known in a good part of the Latin American community as the sunset of the life of the women".

And to close, she whispers to me with her personal wisdom, not to forget that many women and men "live with their partners or families, but alone."

Solitude can be very good and necessary if it awakens a healthy search.

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Final advice for living with loneliness

Let's summarize up to here:

1) Loneliness is an

, in a condition of vulnerability in front of life, in front of the universe, and somehow withdrawing into our intimacy looking for ourselves more deeply.

2) Solitude can be

if it awakens a healthy search for new resources, new paths and brings light to unknown or dark aspects of ourselves,

3) but it can be

if it is a feeling of being disconnected, detached from the world, or if the compass is simply (and no less) lost with respect to life purpose, my place in the world and what I want from myself same.

Therefore and depending on our situation, we should at least:

✓

, as Pascal maintains: "When I consider the short duration of my life, absorbed in the preceding and following eternity, the small space that I occupy and even that I see submerged in the immense infinity of spaces, I am astonished and terrified."

However, he later adds that "the universe is infinitely bigger than us, but with thought we encompass and understand it, placing ourselves above its vastness. The greatness of man is in his thought").

✓

, with our dark parts, tolerate them so as not to feel miserable, take care of them, be compassionate and work lovingly to change them.

✓

that we need to live fully, because the more open-hearted we are and the more connected with ourselves, the better and faster that experience will change.

✓

for our lives.

If you do not have them, know how to ask for help so as not to be isolated or defenseless.

Being close to other human beings is powerful and very healthy because we practice our solidarity, empathy and reciprocal help.

Perhaps this happens not only to human beings, as Eduardo Galeano recounts in the book of hugs: "One day, along with her classmates from school, Tracey began to throw lit matches into an anthill. They all really enjoyed it. this wholesome childhood recreation; but Tracey was struck by something that the others did not see, or pretended not to see, but which paralyzed her and left a mark on her memory forever: before the fire, before the danger , the ants separated into pairs, and two by two, very close together, very close together, they waited for death".

✓

.

This can be key in moments of deep pain.

*Martín Reynoso is a psychologist, director of Train Your Brain Argentina and author of "Mindfulness, scientific meditation".

***

Do you want to read more about loneliness and depression?

These notes may interest you:

➪Loneliness in older people: "They don't teach us to plan a life that lasts 30 more years," warns a gerontologist

➪What is "prolonged grief disorder" and why it generates controversy

➪Depression: what it is like to live with dysthymia, a type that is persistent and difficult to diagnose

➪Depression in the elderly: causes, when to consult and how to find motivation and purposes

➪Is it useful to talk about our dark parts?

➪A neuroscientist explains how to change your brain and your emotions with a simple resource

***

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