The strangled voice of grandmothers
The invasion of women's personal choices is wrong and irrelevant, because you do not see a significant part of what builds "strong" women: we carry on our backs the pain of the women who were before us, the strangled voice of the grandmother who could not leave the man who did not treat her with respect, the frustration The unspoken of the mother who was ashamed to ask for help when she felt bad, the shame of the aunt who "didn't find a man to take her", the loss of the aunt who was known for her sharp wit but her father did not agree that she should study at the university, "because men don't like women who are too smart".
They had no choice whether to work or study, whether to marry or divorce.
I feel that they live inside me, the women imprisoned by the dictates that crushed them under the duty of absolute devotion to the role of giving, nourishing, serving, on all levels, not only towards the children.
They even gave their bodies even when they didn't want it, because they were taught that "one should respect the husband", after the children have gone to bed and the house is clean and tidy of course.
The strong women you see establishing companies on the stock market, leading social struggles, the politicians, social workers, doctors - are the daughters and granddaughters of women who did not allow themselves to choose out of fear that they would be ostracized, that they would not be able to belong.
Bubba Celia is the nucleus of the rebellion
The late Bubba Selia, my dear grandmother, used to tell me about her strong desire to work even after she got married. My grandfather, who was a respected businessman in the Jewish community, dismissed the idea: "Mr. Wissemberg's wife will not go out to work!
This story came up again and again in our conversations. After years, I realized that the stories she shared with me about her life as a woman instilled in me the desire to tell a different story to my daughters and granddaughters when the time came. My wise grandmother realized that a window of opportunity had opened, and she prepared me for it. of societies in the world women still need approval from the man under whose protection they live.
Touched a sensitive spot
The responses to Jordan Harel's post touched on a sensitive point.
Harel shared on the network that she was filming abroad, her smiling figure sprouted from the post. There were encouraging comments, and alongside them appeared those who know better than her what she should do: "Next time, take someone single.
It's sad that Jordan is leaving her children, in the end they will have abandonment anxiety." The response that particularly annoyed me: "It touched you a little and pinched you.
It touched you in a sensitive spot and made you jump."
Any working mother who dares to develop a career and enjoy it swims against the patriarchal current of our society.
Even when we are confident in our choices in balancing work and motherhood, this does not contradict the fact that this is often accompanied by feelings of guilt.
This is the package deal for those who want to fulfill themselves also in the professional field that was reserved for men until a few decades ago, this is the most open secret there is, I didn't understand the purpose of waving it in front of a woman as if it were an indictment.
Don't need your comments
A negative comment about maternal choice is blatant, rude and unfair.
In the soul of a woman who devotes hours to her work, there are millions of moments of negotiation about what to give up and what not.
We all know the popular social position towards a mother who goes to work and "leaves the children", and also know that you would not apply it to men.
Double standards are applied to us - not only by criticism, but also by impossible maternal representations in series and advertisements.
The social norms place the responsibility for the home and children mainly on women and consider men's careers to be more important even in 2023. While writing the column, despite the determined message I threw into the home space that I must finish writing and will not be available in the near future, the girls approached to ask where the sweatshirt came out of the laundry and who was collecting it from the circle.
I admit that I also got up, without being asked, to make sure that Shihli took food before she went out dancing for long hours.
The claim that there are mothers who "find it difficult to let go" is not unfounded, but the struggle is not about the forced release of what I want to hold on to, but about the free choice.
Leon is a present and caring father, needless to say, but it's not just about me and Leon, because we're not just our nuclear family.
Unwritten codes that have been passed down from generation to generation live with us.
It is true that there are also houses where the responsibility is completely equal, and yet - they are few compared to the general trend.
The good women, the brave men
It is not obvious that women today are growing resilience in the face of the barrage of accusations and stigmas that are hurled at them.
I draw strength from open conversations with other women.
From studying equality theories we learned that the "good woman" we grew up with in movies and commercials and the "good women" who raised us paid a heavy price.
The change also comes from the support of brave men who understand that oppression is not worthwhile for either side.
The strong women
I am not talking only about career women, but about women who do not apologize for their choice, whatever it may be: whether it is to work in a job that requires traveling abroad, or the choice to raise children and not work, to wear a shirt with cleavage even though you are a "mother of children", or to choose to wear a headscarf. If it's not to apologize for not being in a relationship even though you're 35 and every acquaintance dares to tell you "Well, what will it be?". And if it's to choose yes or no to dye your hair, yes or no to "get back to yourself" after giving birth, Yes or no to remove hair. And the list goes on...
permitted
I need reinforcements and support that I am fine and that I am allowed.
And not because I'm weak, but because for many years I was told that it was forbidden.
The common experience of all the women I meet is the search for evidence and examples that I am allowed, that you are allowed, that we are allowed.
Jordan Harel's post is another such testimony, and her response, in which she explained that she is a good mother, is not an apology - it is a statement that still needs to be said, because not everyone has understood yet.
I need confirmation that I'm allowed to go to work without having time to cook a hot lunch for the family.
This does not mean that I am weak or guilty, but that the basic patterns are strong and an even stronger countermovement is required.
Sometimes I go to the morning program and from there to a lecture and then to another lecture.
On the days when I didn't have time to cook in the morning, this news will blow on the back of my neck all day.
No one should scold me, the voice has been embedded in me since I can remember.
Even if I receive wonderful feedback on the lectures that day, I will always remember the price the house paid.
It is very possible that in those moments that I will be tormented, Leon and the girls will enjoy the Asian stir-fry they ordered.
It has to do with what I learned from the day I was born how to be a good wife.
It is not affected by the reality of their takeaway joy.
I am learning to tell a different story, and the accusing voice no longer guides me.
Even if he emerges, he doesn't paralyze me like he used to.
Poison in the guise of empowerment
I grew up in a patriarchal home.
In the reality I knew, the woman was solely responsible for the housework, cooking, laundry, children's affairs and education.
My mother worked long hours, but did not officially ask us to share the housework with her.
What she didn't say was reflected in the sadness I sometimes saw in her eyes.
Today I know that neither I nor my sister nor my father properly appreciated the hundreds of transparent works she did for us every day.
My mother, and millions of other mothers, also did not dare to ask us to appreciate, because their effort was sometimes transparent to them as well.
Like many mothers, my mother did the strenuous and difficult work believing that this is what a good woman does.
For years it was obvious to me.
I think for her too.
Sorry about that, mom.
Waiting for someone to say: you've done enough
As soon as I became a mother myself, I suddenly realized that I expected myself to work, take care of the girls, and host Leon's family and my family on the weekend and serve dishes I made by my own hands, put on a big smile, serve to the guests without, God forbid, showing the fatigue.
I tried to be the good woman according to the model I knew.
I understood the trap that my mother was living in, and gradually the desire to break free from the mold was brewing.
Many mothers live a kind of hidden depression that often turns into resentment that no one sees them.
After a few years of trying to be the woman of that model, who is both active in the Kindergarten committee and brings a pie and not a sleeve of glasses to the graduation party, and also earns an equal living at home and also feels guilty for having piles of laundry and dishes in the sink at the end of the day - the sadness and fatigue urged me to understand that this had to change.
I would not have been able to find the way without the support of emotional therapy, without the support of friends and sisters on the journey who saw themselves through me and who saw myself through them.
rescue force
I wouldn't have gotten out of the cycle of guilt and shame on the days when I come home after the girls are already asleep, if I hadn't read books written by brave women in which they gave a name to the shared female pain and explained why it's unfair.
I couldn't get out of the image of the good woman that was inherent in me without a supportive partner like Leon.
It took us a while to realize that we were both raised on the knees of the patriarchy, and it took time for us to digest that we had to dismantle beliefs that we carried with us from the past without real choice.
Until I was able to communicate with Leon openly and honestly the challenges that motherhood and career present to me, I did not really move towards change.
And we haven't even talked about the shocking criticism that kidnap men who want to take an equal part, who are proud to be with the children when the wife goes to work.
If you think my column does not fit the present we live in, you are invited to read the comments to Leon's posts to experience a little taste of the patriarchy.
Unwanted inheritance
Don't let any cheese commercial fool you: it's not always harmonious, the balance between career and motherhood is a struggle interwoven with moments of victory and feelings of defeat.
The two roles often collide, and they are still tearing from the inside to this day.
Less than once, and most importantly - I know how to recover faster.
The patriarchal beliefs will always be a part of my thoughts, because the effects of years cannot be completely eliminated, but most of them can certainly be changed.
Both Leon and I held the same belief that only I know how to do laundry and cook at home.
I was taught that only a woman should do this, and that a real man should not do this.
Today we know that these limitations are an inheritance that we do not have to carry on.
a new language
I am a feminist.
I mean, I believe in equal opportunities and equal choices for all sexes and genders (this is the real meaning of feminism, not hating men or burning bras), but the egalitarian concept is a language I learned at a late age.
I don't speak it fluently, I have the accent of someone who grew up with chauvinism as a mother tongue, and it comes out when I'm tired or upset or experiencing a crisis.
It is a life's work to make the new language more and more common.
I think I'll never leave the house to lecture in the evenings without feeling a twinge in my heart that I won't be home when the girls go to bed, but the trick is to stop for a moment and remember that there are other days of the week when I am there in the evening, and how important it is that they see the personal fulfillment of a mother, and that Not at their expense, for the mother, economic independence is important and they have a model for femininity connected to passions.
Not for all, for some.
It's all a comment, what's the problem?
The pressure and anxiety that comments such as the one received by Harel create for women may cause some of them to give up their dreams, their passions, the possibility of living their own way.
Will you call them cowards?
Definately not.
They are practical, not all of them are interested or able to live the struggle.
One can understand someone who prefers not to experience the loneliness or resistance of the family when she tries to break away from patriarchal values.
It's not easy, I just believe it's much harder to give up.
Criticism of mothers because they develop a career is one of the examples of social whipping, and it is harmful and weakens some women to the point of damaging their self-worth, which leads to depression and health and emotional damage.
Beyond the harm to the woman herself, the whipping of women for the choices of balancing career and motherhood reinforces stereotypes and the expectation of women to give up themselves, which makes it difficult for them to defend themselves against violence or harassment.
Jordan, you are not alone
There are many examples of the social criticism of mothers who invest in a career.
Perhaps one of the most famous cases is that of Marissa Mayer, the former CEO of Yahoo, who was criticized for cutting her maternity leave short and returning to work before the usual time. There is no need to encourage women to cut their maternity leave short, but we must protect the choice of those who choose To do so, as well as for those who choose to extend the maternity leave. And for those who are worried about the children's well-being, no research has been found to prove that a working mother is less worthy and good for her children, what is found in the studies is that women who cancel their desires in front of their family roles are more prone to depression and anxiety and medical problems.
So the next time you meet a mother who says she has a business trip, or see a post of hers on social media, when she is smiling and making a living, you are invited to like her or write: Do life, or simply move on with your life, realizing that you have no idea about the struggles and emotions that led to her decision.
do it to me
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We can be what we see, hear or know, what we are told is possible.
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Also recommended for children and men.
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