For Valentine's Day, we spoke to couples and sex therapist Dr.
Beatrice Wagner on routines, partnership and understanding.
Icking – Valentine's Day means a special challenge for florists and druggists.
dr
Beatrice Wagner from Icking is not only confronted with love on February 14: 15 years ago she opened a practice for sex therapy - at the time one of the first in the Munich metropolitan area.
In an interview with our newspaper, the 59-year-old speaks openly about what has changed in recent years on the subject of sexuality in couples - and she reveals Casanova's love secret.
Love, paint and boredom: sex therapist gives tips for breaking out of the bed routine
Miss Dr. Wagner, according to surveys, every second person in Germany is dissatisfied with their sex life. Are we Germans just uptight - or why is that?
dr Beatrice Wagner:
(laughs) That would already be a possible cause.
Uptight means we don't say what we actually want.
I don't know whether that's the case with us Germans in particular.
The fact is: Talking to your partner about what you really want in bed is extremely difficult.
Why?
dr Wagner
: At the beginning of the getting-to-know-you phase, everything is exciting: every touch, every look.
After a while, when the falling in love hormones are gone, it all calms down.
A routine creeps in during sex: couples have found positions and routines that both enjoy.
Then there are separate preferences.
If you don't talk about it, just focus on the common intersection, it gets boring.
Men are more about looks
Speaking of having fun: do men have different preferences in bed than women?
dr Wagner
: Overall, men are more into optics.
Women place more value on intimacy, the feeling of merging.
What exactly do you mean by optics?
dr Wagner
: A man is more excited than a woman by optics.
Of course, women also like it when a man looks good.
But that's not really the point.
When you love someone, you overlook a thing or two.
Keyword love: Which people come to you? couples only? Or also singles?
dr Wagner
: As a rule, they are couples in long-term relationships.
But a lot of single people also come to me: people who can't find a partner, have been alone for a long time and now have troubled self-esteem.
Many patients also talk to me about things that they can't talk to anyone else about.
Do you have an example?
dr Wagner
: A patient loves to dress in vinyl and leather during sex.
The partner is a bit uncomprehending.
Both fears arise: One feels misunderstood, the other feels left aside and thinks: "Maybe I have the wrong partner?"
You can read the latest news from Icking here.
The attitude towards sexuality is often found in childhood
How can you help?
dr Wagner
: Of course I can't train that away.
It's kind of a deep need.
But I can see: What is the real need?
In fact, in feeling latex on the skin - or is it actually about something else?
About slipping into a different role?
It is usually the case that the current problem gets its sharpness from an earlier situation.
If you like paint and leather, it doesn't have to come from the past.
But the way this person enforces it, maybe they do.
A man is more aroused by optics than a woman.
Women value intimacy more.
At the beginning it was said: 'We won't come until it's dark.'
I don't hear that anymore today.
dr
Beatrice Wagner
So from childhood?
dr Wagner
: Exactly.
I see and learn how the parents treat me and themselves.
The way you deal with differences and the attitude towards sexuality often lies in childhood.
Topic sexuality: How important is physical love in a partnership?
dr Wagner
: Important.
You can certainly get along well without sex and have a great life.
But in my opinion, what is missing is what you always use to confirm each other in a relationship.
Through sexuality you say to yourself: You are my partner, I have chosen you, I only want to share my intimacy with you.
Although I have to admit: I also experience that young people see things a little differently.
In fact?
dr Wagner
: There are more and more people around 20 who say: "No, that's too old-fashioned for me, I want an open relationship." They completely separate sexuality from love.
Having a relationship and taking the liberty to look elsewhere from time to time.
Young people say more often that they don't want to commit themselves anymore
Where does this development come from?
dr Wagner
: That really surprises me, I have to be honest.
(laughs) Maybe it's because young people are just more willing to experiment.
Maybe they've always done it and just didn't dare to talk about it openly.
Now they say with more confidence, “I don't want to commit just yet.
The idea of being with my partner forever scares me.
Then there might be an insane honesty behind it.
Back to the monogamous relationship: Do you have a tip for couples so that they can still celebrate Valentine's Day together in ten years?
dr Wagner
: Staying on the topic of sexuality: There are many books and audio books to get out of the bed routine.
And in order not to fall into this routine in the first place, couples can simply change a little thing every now and then during sex.
It doesn't have to be anything big.
Often one thinks: Sex, everyone can do that.
This overlooks the fact that sexuality is also an art.
Means: You can continue your education, become more skilled, bring in your imagination.
I don't have to explain that to anyone when I'm cooking.
The same applies to sex.
How much sex is actually "normal"?
dr Wagner
: I won't name a number.
It's actually like jogging: some days you have to overcome something to get started.
Jogging isn't great every time either.
Sometimes it rains and sometimes you don't really want to.
When it comes to sex, I don't always think: Wow, I've been waiting for this enlightenment for ages.
No, sometimes it's normal, well-known home cooking.
And if you go beyond that every now and then and experiment, you have the ideal mix.
If you look back over the past few years, have your patients and their problems changed?
dr Wagner
: The topic of sex therapy itself has become much more natural.
At the beginning it was said: "We won't come until it's dark." I don't hear that anymore.
(laughs) What has changed is the increasing influence of internet pornography.
Not a good development.
Can you please explain that in more detail?
dr Wagner
: Adolescents often saw their first pornography before their parents enlightened them.
They get an image that is totally unreal.
You don't learn how to conquer a girl in porn.
Only clichés are conveyed: what the man wants is always good.
The woman has to do everything.
Men are under pressure to succeed
How does this affect men and women?
dr Wagner
: Men are under pressure to succeed: They are confronted with achievements and sizes - they cannot keep up.
Also, they think that's how you treat women in bed.
In return, women have to teach men a little sensitivity again.
The treacherous thing about it: Everyone knows that such films are not real.
But our brains are wired to believe what we see is real.
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What can be done to counter the trend?
dr Wagner
: I'm for a classic: don't look at that anymore.
It's just not good.
Couples can think of ways to develop fantasies together.
For example, there are erotic films.
In which you can see how it crackles between two people.
If you take that as an inspiration, I think that's great!
Do you also have a Valentine's tip for singles?
dr Wagner
: The person I want to conquer has to feel unique and wanted in my presence.
I can do this by observing these people sensitively, responding to them and showing my sympathy.
I evoke the feeling in the person opposite me: "I'd love to meet him again." As far as I know, that's how Casanova's love recipe went.
(laughs)
Leap into the present. Are you still struggling with prejudices in Icking?
dr Wagner
: I've been living in Icking for 13 years now.
Especially at the beginning I felt prejudice and insecurity towards myself: What does she want here?
What is she doing in her practice?
Now it's partly partly.
I'm involved in the place.
Many have noticed that you can talk to her quite normally.
In others, I believe, one or two prejudices are still slumbering.
No malice, just skepticism.
I used to be in Munich.
I didn't feel anything like that there at all.
But in the big city you live more anonymously.
In Icking everyone knows everyone.
You take a closer look – and you are under observation.
(laughs)