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Mourning for lost friendship: a silenced process?

2023-02-15T09:48:31.953Z


Friendship is a fundamental bond. Although it may be underestimated, it is necessary to grieve when a fight or other circumstances put an end to this relationship.


From Roberto Carlos with his “million friends” to Los Enanitos Verdes describing them as “a light shining in the dark”, these

links

are so important that they were represented countless times through the different expressions of art.

Last December Netflix premiered the second season of "

The Dance of the Fireflies

", a series based on the homonymous novel by Kristin Hannah.

There, the close and old friendship between Tully (Katherine Heigl) and Kate (Sarah Chalke) is shown, but also the consequences that the breakdown of this relationship generated in each of them.

An example of mourning for a lost friendship, a silenced process, even though it is a central link in everyone's life.

There are different alternatives or external support to face, for example, the death of a family member or a divorce.

But, what happens when a friendship ends? Is there a name for this? Is there time and space to go through this

duel

? Is the suffering caused by the loss of a friend minimized?

"The dance of the fireflies", the Netflix series that shows the consequences of the end of a friendship.

Photo: Netflix.

"Mourning for the loss of friendships is greatly underestimated"

Marina Alfie

is a psychologist and creator of the Tinder community of friends, an Instagram profile that since 2019 invites people to group according to common interests in each post.

For her, "the issue of mourning for the loss of friendships is greatly underestimated, it is something that is rarely talked about."

In general, he pointed out, the bereavements that come to light and receive accompaniment are those linked to sexual-affective ties, or to the death of a family member, "although friendship ties are often the ones that mark us the most" and, therefore, therefore, they anguish when breaking.

"Many times the bonds of friendship are the ones that mark us the most," said Marina Alfie. Photo illustration Shutterstock.

The specialist stressed that "the emotional intensity that is played in these ties is very high."

When explaining it, she mentioned that "friends are like a kind of Ram memory of oneself, they store information that has to do with our family history and our entire life history."

The level of intimacy with this type of affection is so great that, if it ends, "we feel like a part of our body is being torn off, because no one knows those things that only they knew."

In the case of childhood friends, Alfie added, one of the causes of suffering is that "they saw something of you that no one else is going to see again."

Talk until you can process it

Diana had -among others- a friend with whom she shared more than two decades.

Three years ago they had a fight and the bond was finally broken.

At the time, she said, she felt "quite alone," without the accompaniment she would have wanted.

Talking, a central point in duels for lost friendship.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

"Duels due to distances in friendship are never taken into account, attention is always paid to those related to the love of the couple, but not to the other loves that are also so important," he mentioned.

Alfie (on Instagram, @tinderdeamigas) explained that “

it is something traumatic and you have to process it step by step

.

These duels are one of the most difficult there is, and the fact that so little is said about it does not help, that is why this pain paralyzes ”.

The psychologist assured that the healthiest thing is to talk about it with people who understand this suffering, whether in therapy, with other friends or with people you trust, "

talk about it as much as you have to talk about it

."

Sebastián said that one of his best friends from adolescence stopped talking to him “from one day to the next”, which made him suffer a lot.

“I felt that we grew apart until he directly blocked me from social networks and stopped answering my messages,” he said.

There is no certain age to make new friends.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

His friend's decision, in reality, had not been sudden: "For more than a year, every time he asked me out, I told him that I couldn't because I had other plans, I answered him short and dry and did not ask him anything of his life”, he later understood.

For a long time he felt very sad, since despite the apologies offered, the link could not be resumed.

The key to traveling this path was the accompaniment he received: “I talked about it with other friends who also knew him.

Also, my family knew him, so when he stopped appearing they asked me about him.

There was a lot of talk."

The role of friends

For 15 years, Agustina shared all the important moments of her life with a friend.

“What was happening is that over time one grows and the projects, the objectives, everything changes.

That, far from bringing us closer, kept us further and further apart, ”she recalled.

"It started out as a difference that was not a hinge in our friendship, but over time it took on more prominence and caused the relationship to break off altogether."

The young woman mentioned that they were very difficult times: "I had a hard time deciding whether or not I wanted her in my life, but once I got out of that toxic bond I felt a lot of peace."

Alfie: "The emotional intensity that is played in friendship is very high."

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

The help of his environment, meanwhile, was vital: “Everyone accompanied me and set limits.

All my friends put on '10'.

There was not one that did not put itself in my place.

Everyone accompanied me as what it was: the loss of someone I loved very much, ”she closed.

Marina Alfie assured that

the role of friends is essential

and that they affect people's quality of life.

"You have to pay attention to that vital need to connect with others, they are links that cannot be replaced," she added, while stating that "building these links is a process that takes time, it is not instantaneous."

In this regard, he emphasized that

there is no specific age for friendship

.

“It's important to think about making friends as an adult, because friends aren't just made in high school or elementary school.

People make friends and social ties throughout their lives.

And the friendships of adult life are just as valid and important as the ones we make at age 15.”

look too

How the Tinder of friends that is already a success works

Why sending a message to your friends is more important than it seems

Work or start a business as a family: everything you need to know to avoid damaging ties

Source: clarin

All news articles on 2023-02-15

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