I've been pottery for a year and I'm terribly bad at it.
So far I haven't even managed to make a cup.
Recently, on the potter's wheel, the first piece of clay was supposed to be a bowl.
It turned into a wet, unformable lump.
The second almost resembled a jar until I mishandled it and it fell violently from the spinning disk.
So it went on, two hours of pottery, no presentable result.
What does that have to do with being a parent?
Suddenly I could understand much better where the frustration of my daughter, who slams her felting tool on the floor with the words "I can't do this!" and the anger of my son, who regularly shreds the leaves with his drawn flowers, comes from tears up because, in his opinion, the circles have not become round enough.
I realized how difficult it is to try things again and again, even though they always fail.
My friend, the mistake
Failure is difficult, supporting children in failure is even more difficult.
You know it as an adult: you should perform well at work, as a parent you should remain calm and relaxed - mistakes are rarely desired in everyday life.
Far too often it's much too similar for children: keep up at school, meet learning goals, the fewer mistakes the better.
Even handicraft projects in daycare should often have a result that can be hung on the window.
But it does not have to be like this.
"Consider mistakes as friends from whom we learn," writes Markus Deggerich in a text about school.
Sure, for 14 + 9 there is only one correct result, but many other areas such as crafts, art, music or movement should not have anything to do with perfect results, but with joy, curiosity and talent.
But how do you show your children the right way to deal with failure?
My reading tips: Talent-free and happy
Experts agree that parents should let their children make mistakes.
“I think a lot of people are afraid of doing something wrong.
In our society there is a particularly strong and apparently still growing effort by people to always do everything right.
We believe that we have to control everything and that we can explain everything with our mind.
But sometimes you just have to try something instead of endlessly talking about it,” says neurobiologist Gerald Huether in an interview with my colleague Marc Röhlig.
In an article appropriately titled "Why You Should Do More Things You're Not Talented For," my colleague Maren Keller, a psychologist at Stanford University, describes one possible strategy families can use to normalize failure studied people's resumes and found that there is a difference between parents praising their children for their abilities -- and for the effort they put in regardless of the outcome.
These children would learn that the important thing is to do your best.
In English there is the sentence “The process is more important than the result” – so just do it, no matter what comes out of it.
Accepting frustration and anger in children is difficult for many parents - for some perhaps because they have learned to suppress these feelings themselves.
»A lot can be behind a tantrum with throwing things at the wall.
Psychologists say that being able to name feelings helps.
am i offended
aggressive?
Unhappy?
Frustrated?
All of that is okay,« writes my colleague Alexandra Klaussner in an article in the children's magazine »Dein SPIEGEL«, which is intended to help children to better understand their feelings.
We're still working on that, until then we'll live with crumpled crafts.
A way that works for us: Don't present yourself as infallible.
We, as parents, should apologize when we were angry or unfair and tell what went wrong at work.
Or admit that the dinner you've cooked really doesn't taste good.
(If this happens more regularly, I recommend Verena Lugert's cooking column, there are also family-friendly recipes such as spaghetti with meatballs.)
I have resolved to show my children my own failures more.
I let a particularly sad example of my pottery experiments burn and took it home with me.
"What's that supposed to be?" my seven-year-old asked.
"A very shallow bowl," I said.
She looked at the thing: "Nice, Smarties fit in there."
Of miracle minutes and small moments
In my last newsletter I wrote about everyday life, its beauties and its pitfalls.
That inspired Myvatn to share a parenting moment with us:
"For five weeks at a time, one of the children is always sick and at home, in between one parent is in corona isolation for ten days, the other tears himself apart between days when the child is sick and working from home with parallel childcare, then gets two days of gastrointestinal problems, the craftsman rings the bell , because the washing machine is broken, the potatoes in the steamer are (once again) burnt, the boy takes off his fully-fed… Pampy on the living room carpet, awake for two hours at night because of the middle man’s coughing phases, important meeting the next morning… One of the many excellent results of being a parent: If you persevere, you will become a top team player, resilient, incredibly relaxed and patient, in addition to numerous other positive qualities.
And more wrinkled.«
We look forward to your everyday moments: When was the last time you failed, when did you record a win?
Please write to us at familie@spiegel.de – we can anonymize your submission if you wish.
Have a nice weekend and best regards!
Antonia Bauer
