Help and consolation: when life isn't dazzling

Do you know those moments when it suddenly comes over you, this irrepressible feeling of love?

Love for this person who robs you of your last sleep and your last nerve?

Of course you know them, but they are probably different than mine.

Sometimes our daughter isn't even there when I'm feeling it.

Then I only see their tracks.

See the king's son from Punch and Judy, who is covered with a doll's diaper.

See the bunny sleeping under a dirty stocking.

And I know our daughter put them all to bed.

"Have nice dreams," she murmurs every evening, and she would never forget a member of her family.

It's a ritual that keeps me pausing, although most of the time after 7pm I'm wishing the day would end, and quickly.

Why is this sight so touching to me?

Maybe because I think I see a trait in the scene about our daughter with Down's syndrome: her caring nature.

Another reason might be that I'm touched by how much she's trying to emulate what we're trying to do with the frog and the unicorn.

We, just like all other parents: to show our own child that the world is safe, at least safe enough to fall asleep in security.

Hardly anything is more strongly connected than the terms »ideal world« and »family«.

That's not just the picture the ad paints.

It's also the impression every family is keen to convey about themselves—especially to other families.

But of course children already sense, often without understanding, what is wrong in their world.

And it would unfortunately be wrong to say that this leaves no trace.

My reading tips

In our department, which is not called "Bullerbü" but "Life", we have therefore repeatedly dealt with what is not heartwarming.

My colleague Maren Keller has described how much we are shaped by attachment patterns from our childhood and how we often pass them on to our children, for better or for worse.

In various articles, my colleague Heike Klovert has explored the question of what happens to children when there were a lot of arguments at home, yes, when parents separate.

She also looked at how a family judge in Belgium tries to resolve conflicts.

A keyword here is mutual respect.

Many children of mentally ill parents who take responsibility early on and look after their father and mother instead of taking their own needs seriously also experience a difficult childhood.

And who suffer from the fact that it is often still taboo to talk about their family situation.

What helps

There are many ways that the pain that is part of life reaches our children.

A pastor once told me why grief groups and rituals can help when children are confronted with the death of a loved one.

And a girl who lost her brother.

"How does one actually comfort oneself?" I asked the psychology professor Hansjörg Znoj, who himself lost his parents at the age of 18 and, as a scientist, has dealt intensively with the nature of grief.

I remember his answer: "Ideally, you find someone who can put up with the suffering and who, through this endurance, lets you feel an existential security."

Perceiving the grief of others, allowing it to touch you, but that is not something that can be taken for granted.

In view of the earthquake in Syria and Turkey, our parenting columnist Fatma Mittler-Solak asked herself how schools in Germany can become places of help and support.

Perhaps there is a consolation in this for those who comfort them: If we cannot keep the pain away from our children, we can at least support them.

The Last Judgement

True, mashed potatoes cannot cure anything.

But a warm lump in the stomach can be comforting, I think, at least for ten minutes.

And so I was honestly happy when I found this recipe from our cooking columnist Verena Lugert.

And as a consolation for all those who no longer have the strength for pretty recipes: the lump that you can stir together from the pack is also warm.

Incidentally, my colleague Markus Deggerich has often traced the love that goes through the stomach.

On the other hand, my colleague Rafaela von Bredow was recently talking to a neuroscientist about what happens when love goes through the head.

my moment

How do you comfort your children?

Which words, which gestures, which dishes are there that heal the small wounds in your home?

And how have you tried to make your children strong for what can happen in life?

Feel free to write to me at familie@spiegel.de - we look forward to the exchange with other families!

And we are happy to publish your contributions, anonymously if you wish.

By the way, if you want to seek refuge from the world for seven minutes, then read this interview with Oliver Schaffer, who designs exhibitions with Playmobil figures and says: »I love Playmobil because it offers an antithesis to reality, a beautiful world, in which almost without exception all the characters are smiling.« The longing for healing, it seems, is deep within us.

Warm greetings from the real world,

Yours, Sandra Schulz