The parents of Rubén García [fictitious name] attend a tutorial that his teacher has urgently requested.
Rubén is five years old and is in the last year of Early Childhood Education.
He is sociable and calm... except when things don't go his way.
The parents are very surprised at the tutoring, since he is a model child at home.
Conflicts rarely arise.
The tutor is concerned about his behavior, since he is unable to comply with the rules and does not take no for an answer either.
If the adult does what he wants or desires, everything is fine, but as he encounters a limit or something that does not fit with what he wants, he can behave defiantly and aggressively.
Parents recognize in tutoring that they do not like their child to suffer and have a hard time.
Rubén only has problems in those places where limits are placed on him, he is required to comply with some obligations and where he receives no for an answer from time to time.
For this reason, his teacher sees him as a problem child and his parents do not.
In class he is treated like one of the others and at home his parents agree to everything he asks of them.
It is very likely that Ruben will be labeled at school as a capricious child.
In a technical way he could also be diagnosed with Emperor Syndrome.
As his name itself indicates, this manifestation implies having primary caregivers who agree to all the requests made by his son.
Parents are usually very afraid and distressed every time the child cries or has a bad time.
More information
Emperor syndrome: authoritarian and capricious children
There are many who get on the bandwagon of respectful upbringing;
more and more fathers and mothers are aware of the repercussions that good treatment in childhood has on the mental and emotional health of our children.
Sometimes, unfortunately, those who believe in and fight for respectful parenting are accused of spoiling minors.
They argue that tomorrow these children will be weak, spoiled, capricious, dependent and without resources to face the obstacles that life puts them.
By understanding and validating the emotions of your children, you are not making them weaker, but rather the opposite.
What the human being needs, at all ages, is affection, respect and understanding.
Human beings function better with cooperation than with competition.
Children need limits, rules, and to be told no when appropriate.
Attending and understanding them is not spoiling them.
It is not that it is advisable to set limits, but that it is a necessity.
In Rubén's example, he urgently needs his parents to put them on at home.
He must learn to respect them and experience the suffering that comes from not being able to do something he wants, although always in the presence of an adult who helps him digest all this.
Treating children well does not mean meeting all their requests.
Children ask for many things: they ask for needs, but they also express what they would like to buy.
The latter, for example, is not a need, but a desire.
Sometimes they need to feel they belong, protected or to be seen, but they are not aware of what they need and do not say it.
Furthermore, many of the behaviors that are labeled as challenging or disruptive have to do with an unmet need.
The only way for children to let them know they have an unmet need is by acting out and calling it attention.
In conclusion, not always when they ask for something is because they need it and not always when they need something they will ask for it explicitly.
The problem of what is known as the emperor syndrome or the
Dictator children, where parents serve all the requests of their children, is not in the minor but rather in their parents.
Once again, I reiterate that all parents do everything they know how to do well, but they don't always do it well.
A significant percentage of parents who cater to their children's whims constantly are overprotective.
They are fathers and mothers who find it very difficult to connect with the real needs of the child and focus on their own fears and anxieties, which is why they agree to everything their children ask for.
I often comment that parents and teachers must be at the service of the needs of their children and students;
The problem is that, if you stop being at the service of what they need to cover everything they ask for (needs and desires), you will be doing children and adolescents a disservice.
For this reason it is essential that adults are able to put their expectations, desires and conflicts aside in order to connect with the child.
Once you are in tune with your child, it is important to know how to differentiate between what she needs and what he wants.
Needs must always be covered and attended to, while desires and whims are sporadic.
Rafa Guerrero
is a psychologist and Doctor of Education.
Director of Darwin Psychologists.
Author of ADHD books
.
Between pathology and normality
(2021) or
Will you come with me?
(2022).
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